Lucid Dreams & the "Delta Hum"

I remember one of the first times I experienced what I now call the "delta hum"; I was a young teenage girl laying in my bed at night and this sound began deep within my head, and it got 'louder' and more intense until I couldn't take it, and I shook my head and it dissipated. I thought nothing of it and forgot about it by the next morning.

This type of experience happened often in my teenage years, and I never told anyone about it, because I figured I was hearing things, and was "crazy". I was already quirky enough as it was, I didn't need my friends and family thinking I was even weirder than they thought. The hum stopped some time in my early twenties, and I all but forgot about it until it returned about 8 years ago. This time I was older, and somewhat wiser, and met the experience with curiosity rather than fear (though to be honest, it still did cause me anxiety to experience it).

Let me explain the hum a bit, and why I call it a delta hum. It's pretty hard to describe it, because I can't really compare it to anything else. Let's just say it's like having a pipe organ in the middle of your head, but all the keys pump out white noise instead of tones. The white noise is multi-tonic though, as there are different pitches and levels of sound. This pipe organ of white noise starts out so gradually and quietly that I'm not aware of it until it becomes "louder", and I use the word louder loosely because it isn't an auditory experience, I'm not really hearing the hum so much as feeling it and being aware of it in different ways. The hum is like someone has smashed down 20 different keys on the white noise pipe organ, and it gets louder and louder, until I can feel it vibrating within my head and eventually my body. I did a lot of digging and researching about 8 years ago when the hum returned, and began to understand that the only time the hum ever came upon me was when I was drowsing, and beginning to enter a delta sleep state - the state where you're crossing the boundary between conscious wakefulness and light sleep.

At that point in my life, eight years ago, I was meditating regularly on a daily basis, and once in a while I would find myself drifting off to sleep after a peaceful meditative experience, and one afternoon after an especially pleasant meditation I was drifting off, though still aware of my surroundings, and the sounds within my home. The hum began gradually and quietly and I thought to myself that this time I was going to 'go with it'. So I breathed deeply, relaxed further and just let the hum keep building.

It built up to the point that I thought my mind would go deaf (if that reference makes any sense to you then you're getting my point completely!) but I pushed the anxiety down and let the hum continue.

And then it happened!

I realized I was now asleep, but still consciously aware of my physical body and location. I focused on the hum and it lulled me into a dream and for the first time in my life I found myself in a lucid dream with the ability to direct it completely.

It was a beautiful experience and I began to realize that this hum was not physical at all; but rather was connected to the electro-magnetic energy within my body and brain. I believe some people are naturally able to lucid dream, as well as astral project, and as I continued to experiment with the delta hum I found that I could do both things, and that the hum was something like a gateway, or a nexus point for my travels.

To this day, when the hum comes upon me I let it guide me into a gentle state of awareness while sleeping. However, I don't experience the hum often at all any more, and I attribute this to the myriad pain killers I am on for my spinal diseases. These medications numb the mind and body, and the hum simply eludes me 99% of the time now.

I know that when I eventually have my surgery and am able to live an every day life without the need of narcotics I will be able to access the delta hum again, and as I get older I find more profound and intimate desires for my lucid dreams and out of body experiences. I am eager to communicate with various aspects of my Higher self as I have in previous experiences.

If you're interested in this type of spiritual experience, then perhaps you can see if you can tap into your own delta hum. It's very simple really, deep breathing exercises while laying in bed preparing to sleep can help you to relax enough to focus on your biology. Focus on your breathing, your lungs, your heart, and the blood flowing through your entire body, being pumped through your heart, pounding through your veins and arteries, and being transported into your brain. Become absorbed in the workings of your blood and oxygen, and then call upon the hum; it doesn't come from anywhere in particular, and in fact I now understand that this hum is always evident within our bodies. The hum is your energy, your frequency, the electricity within your body and brain, so all you're going to do is "listen" more intently for it. You may want to incorporate Chakra cleansing exercises into your breathing/meditation as this may help you to get into a delta receptive state.

If you're able to detect your hum you can expect a normal amount of anxiety at first, it's a new experience and it's rather bizarre, and it's quite natural to want to turn it off as quickly as you become aware of it. Don't feel dismay if you immediately shut the hum down the first few times you tap into it, it's okay to have this very human response. But if you stick with it, you may amaze yourself with how far you can take the experiment.

I'd love to hear the results of your own experiences with the delta hum, feel free to comment, email me or let me know via Twitter .

Here's wishing you lucid dreams and peaceful sleep!

Judgment: The Double Edged Sword

I feel compelled to talk a bit about judgment, and how harmful it is both to the person doing the judging, and the person feeling or being judged.

I've had experience with both spectrum's of judgment, as in my youth I tended towards making my mind up about a person based on externals, like how they looked, or what they did for a living. As I grew up I realized there was far more to a person than what is on the outside. And yet it seems to me that much of our world is so fixated on shallow surface level b.s. And it hurts me. I literally ache for those who are judged, and for the small minds which can't see beyond their narrow scope to see the inner beauty and truth of another.

I know a woman who is just so incredibly negative; everything that comes out of her mouth is a curse word, a negative connotation, a barb, an insult, or a complaint. I rarely hear her say anything positive or uplifting, and to boot she tells lies about her life on a virtual minute-to-minute basis; stupid small lies. I look at this woman and I wonder what it is about her life and herself that makes her so incredibly insecure? Because someone who is secure within themselves isn't going to waste their time by cutting other people down, or building themselves up with ridiculous white lies. And yet, there she goes, every time I am around her, just putting up a wall of putrid judgment, and I can't help but wonder does she honestly believe she is so high and mighty and everyone else around her is stupid or lowly? If she could see herself through my eyes I wonder if it would be enough for her to have a reality check, because what I see is a young girl who needed way more hugs and support and acceptance, who grew into a jaded angry small-minded and bigoted adult.

That form of judgmentality seems to stem directly from insecurity, and it's pretty easy to spot, it doesn't take a mind reader or empath to recognize when someone is puffing up externally in order to hide a weak inner wounded child.

What about judgment that stems from sheer ignorance? Our world is pretty much designed to program the masses into judgment. Programming on tv, advertisements in magazines, on billboards, even the music on the radio is all aimed at building a monument to beauty and pitying ugliness. I'm just so very tired of it. I have a young pre-teen impressionable daughter, and it horrifies me to know that every day I send her off into a society that expects her to conform to the masses ideal of acceptable. So I work hard at keeping her silly, off the wall, and out of the box as best I can. But in the end she will go through what we all went through in our own childhood experiences, and she will judge people for how they look, or where they live, or what they drive, or how they talk. And I hope she'll grow out of it fast enough to realize the folly in such exclusive behavior.

Do we stop for a moment, and really look at a person, into their eyes, past the surface level, and remember that these are living breathing human beings with histories and stories of their own... When do we stop expecting people to be cookie-cutter similar to us, and accept that our diversity is a beautiful thing?

I face judgment frequently, and am used to it, but to be honest it still guts me when I'm faced with it. To look at me from the outside you may see an overweight woman who wears ratty jeans and t-shirts, who gave up on doing anything "stylish" with her hair years ago. You may see a tree-hugger who wears crystals and sometimes looks up to the sky and closes her eyes and smiles to herself, and you may think "what a flake". You may see a scowl on my face, when in fact what you can't see is the pain I live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As I get into my used vehicle and you see the Handicap parking permit upon the dashboard you may think "oh my, she's so fat she needs to park in Handicap spaces?" and you may completely misjudge me. If only you knew my full story, perhaps you'd change your notions about me. Maybe you'd realize I have lived a full and very colorful life, having traveled, explored various religious and spiritual belief systems, and maybe you'd be shocked to know that my weight isn't the cause of my handicap, but rather a symptom. If you saw the scar that runs from my neck to just above my buttocks, maybe you'd probe further and learn about my spinal disease, or the four other conditions I've developed relative to my spine in conjunction with the first operation I had in 1988.

If you saw me walking with my cane, my head stooped over, as I was having a bad pain day and was having a hard time keeping the pain from my face, would you think "that woman is in pain" or "what a nasty fat lady".

I urge you to be really honest with yourself when you ask yourself that question, because believe me, we're all prone to impulsive negative judgment calls about people, on a fairly regular basis. And it's hurtful. It's detrimental to your own ability to grow in spirituality and self-awareness, and it is hurtful to those you are judging.

Just because I have spinal disease which severely limits my mobility, does not mean my house is a mess, or my child is not well cared for. In fact I have a very happy family life, and my home may not sparkle as it once did but it is clean, and kept. My spinal diseases do not keep me from working, much to the chagrin of my doctor and back surgeon, however it does cause me to have problems with my neck, my hips, my arms and legs, and I do miss a fair bit of time from work. To someone who doesn't know me well, like the negative lady I mentioned early in this blog entry, I may come across as lazy, or allergic to work. What you may not realize is there are days where I can quite literally not get out of bed, as my back seizes, and my muscles scream in spasm.

And I'll be honest, I am hurt by your judgment. I am a very sensitive woman, and when someone scowls at me when I'm limping with my cane, or I stoop over my shopping cart to let my back have a break, it hurts me deeply.

Next time you find yourself having some random negative thought about someone else, stop yourself, give yourself a good talking to, and then try to replace the negative thought with something kind, genuine, and generous of spirit.

None of us have had perfect lives. None of us have led charmed realities, we've all had hardship, have lost loved ones, have battled health issues, have fallen on hard times financially. We talk about ending the war in Iraq, and creating peace in the middle east. We visibly balk when we hear about highschool bullying, and it sickens us in our communities when we hear that someone has taken their own life due to feeling alone. And yet we don't stop the negative thinking. And so long as we're busy thinking nasty thoughts about others, and feeling superior to those we judge, nothing on this planet will change.

So stop judging, and replace those negative mind-patterns with positive loving vibratory blessings. You'll catch yourself thinking nasty negative thoughts about people or situations several times a day, it's normal, it's hard wired into you because that is just the way our society is. So when you catch it, don't add to it by judging yourself for it - just simply correct it.

Retrain your brain.

And next time you see an overweight woman using a cane, limping and looking miserable, send her a silent blessing for improved health. Next time you encounter someone who dresses differently, or smells badly, or talks differently, or falls into the category of "different" than you and what you currently find acceptable, send them silent blessings for love, peace, and prosperity.

Keep doing this until it is no longer a habit, or a goal, but rather just as natural as breathing.

If we can all take our energy and direct it towards loving others, rather than judging others, then we'll be ready to move towards peace as a global family. Until then we're just acting like a bunch of overgrown school children, pointing fingers at the weaker child on the playground, laughing at someone who we just don't even know, on any level. As grown ups we should be able to say no to gossip, to clique mentality bitch sessions. I know it's easy enough to fall into a pattern of judging others with friends, or peers, and yet it we could remember to walk a mile in the shoes of the one we judge... So make it your mandate to walk a mile, and tend to your own life.

Thank you for hearing me out, I really needed this off my chest and conscience. Judgment takes a heavy toll on every one of us. I promise to do my part, I hope you will too.

Awakening: What Next?

As someone who began to consciously awaken at a very early age, I sometimes take for granted that others will vibe with me, and understand what I understand. I forget all too often and easily that everyone has their own triggers for awakening, and that some people have yet begun to experience their own self-aware transformation of lucid understanding.

Today, a new fan of my Facebook page asked "what now?" It was such a simple question, and yet it is possibly one of the most important questions any of us can ask! There comes a time in each of our lives when we realize there is more to this existence than meets the eye, and we begin to process an influx of energy which can be overwhelming, beautiful, all encompassing, and very powerful. It's like realizing you've been sitting in a dark room for years, never noticing the light switch right next to you; you finally see the light switch, turn it on, and are engulfed by such a powerful bright light that you sit dazzled for a time, bathing in the glow of understanding.

And yet, what next? The light is on; we've made a personal discovery of Universal proportions, what do we do with it?

The answer to this is of course very personal, and will differ from individual to individual. However, I am happy to chart a course, or a guideline if you will, to share what has worked for me, and those I have known over the last couple of decades in the early stages of awakening to Universal truth and Love.

So firstly, if this can be delineated in any way, you will want to take stock. This requires a personal inventory of your own internal sense of self. You have seen or felt something larger than you can contain within your mind, and it can be a very confusing time, so I highly recommend the first step in any process of awakening be centered around understanding who you have been, who you are, and who you wish to become in light of this. This requires more strength and courage than you may yet realize... it is a rabbit hole of sorts; the first step towards authentic self-awareness requires you to be honest with yourself about ALL of who you have been, and who you are being. It is arduous and emotional and you'll face things about yourself that make you feel ashamed, guilty, sad, regretful, and possibly jealous of others. And yet, please know this part of your awakening is absolutely blessed, as you are now looking at your 3D human self through the eyes of an awakening Angel. Remember, Angels don't judge, nor should you. Look to your cycles in your history, your "flaws" as it were. For me, personally, this was my neediness, my fear of rejection, and all of the choices I made in my life to try to cling to love, or the illusion of it. I had to look at myself very clearly and see where I had given away my power to others, in order to feel as though I belonged; in order to feel valued. I had given my value to others, through their judgments of me, and indeed it is still a part of my personal journey of awakening, as it is part of my genetic programming. I've come to accept that I was heavily hard-wired as a small child to seek love, and yearn for acceptance, so I have to check myself regularly, and ask myself what my motives are when dealing with personal relationships.

While taking stock you may encounter weaknesses in your personality or disposition, which you can now begin to work on strengthening. And you will also begin to identify your own strengths, and this is where you will begin step two: loving yourself. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

It's not. It's very easy to academically understand the importance of loving ourselves, but it's harder to do than it is to think about. We live in a world where we're constantly judging and being judged, and we tend to be our own harshest critics. You may not see this, as you may see people who are full of arrogance, and yet I would gently suggest that anyone exhibiting arrogance is truly covering up insecurity and self-loathing on a deeper level. All acts of aggression, anger, hostility, self-righteousness etc are devised to build up ones own sense of ego, and if one is busy building up their sense of self and ego then they must not really feel great about themselves deep down within. Right?

So work on knowing yourself, and everything you explore through your taking stock, and then work on accepting what you can, changing what you cannot accept, and learning to see yourself through the eyes of unconditional love. It isn't about perfecting yourself so that you can then love yourself; it's about loving yourself warts and all.

This process is long-term my friend, and ongoing, there is no finish to taking stock and loving yourself - prepare to work at it day by day.

The next suggestion I'd make is establishing your relationship with the Universe, or God, or the Life Force... no matter what you refer to "it" as, your awakening will bring you to the knowledge that there is something out *there* which defies our current understanding.

Now at this point, I'd like to point out you don't need to be religious or spiritual to have an awakening... Yes, you read that correctly. An agnostic or an atheist can have a personal and all-encompassing awakening to self-awareness... it really all boils down to you anyways. Even if you believe in God, or Angels, or faeries and dragons... it makes no difference. Believing in yourself is the most truly "spiritual" experience you can have on Earth, while in the human body and mind.

Through establishing your relationship to the unknown, you familiarize yourself with it, making it less mysterious, which makes it easier for you to see your own infinite beauty and perfection. Whether you're a scientific thinker, a Christian, or a little of both, the process of awakening will have you questioning everything you've learned up until now, and tweaking your perception to better fit your ideal of who you'd like to next become now that you've had your grand epiphany.

The next thing I'd like to suggest is more of a "don't" than a "do", and it is the basic and simplistic K.I.S.S lesson - Keep It Simply, Silly. Sure, you can go buy tools of esoterica now that you've awakened to the state you're in, and use Tarot or Runes, or dowsing or crystals to help you experience deeper aspects of your own divinity. However, remember these are merely tools, and not the path to divinity itself. And this leads me to the final tip I'd give to the newly awakening person reading this: follow your heart.

Your intuition is hardwired to work with both body, and mind, and it will seldom if ever lead you wrong. So learn to cultivate your inner ears to listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to your gut feelings and reactions to people, places, and situations. If it feels wrong or off, then don't do it. If something compels you, ask yourself why, and if you establish that something special lays before you waiting to be explored then explore it.

Awakening is often referred to as Ascension, and I'd like to point out that all the word means is a literal rise upwards; this is what awakening is: you will be rising your awareness upwards, opening your mind, expanding your perception, and raising your personal energy and frequency. This process will feel good at times, and at other times it will be exhausting, so follow that intuition; when it's time for a "disconnect" and rest, rest.  Be true to how you are feeling, and be honest with yourself as you do feel emotions, noting what comes from ego and what comes from the heart. Work at observing your ego, without judgment, so that you can begin to truly understand who you Are, as opposed to who you've been acting like.

I would suggest browsing through this blog for previous articles I've written about Awakening and Spirituality, as well as Self-Awareness. There is a lot of information here, and should you wish to know something and can't find you, you are always free to comment below or contact me via the Facebook Page for The Divine Awakening. I am here to help in any way I am able to, and it is my honor to be able to lend my knowledge to anyone who feels drawn to me.

Lastly, I want you to remember to keep it light, and light hearted. Life is meant to be lived with joy, with harmony and happiness, and Awakening is not a job, there is no destination, and there are no prizes for those who work at it harder than others. We all have our own time and path, honor your own, and respect the path of others.

I wish you the utmost blessings during your own journey of self-awareness.

Spiritual Snobbery

Thanks to yogajournal.com for the beautifully apt animated image.

Ok before I head off on the impending tangent which lays just beyond these words... let me point out that this post will be closely related to a previous post I wrote here a couple of months ago called Spiritual Ego. In that post I explored the savvy and cunning ego many spiritualists develop during an Awakening, which they then unwittingly use to play polarity with their spiritual experiences.

Not unrelated to the spiritual ego, is the sense of spiritual elitism you can run into online, or in select groups, churches, houses of worship or even covens. Unfortunately, when people begin an Awakening, and realize how timely, divine and blessed their experiences are becoming, they can tend to put a polarity spin on it and start judging their experience as good - thereby judging the experience of other people and peers as negative.

It's only natural, and we all do it. And yet, one of the main factors in our spiritual awakening is honesty, and authenticity. We can not continue to grow, awaken and increase personal frequency while indulging the veil, whether knowingly or unwittingly. So I ask you to be really honest with yourself as you read on, and to not be defensive. Defensiveness is another human trait that we use to push away those who strike a nerve within us. If you feel yourself becoming defensive, challenge yourself to remain calm and keep reading. It's easy to have an awakening with like minded people, it can be a very charmed experience, like being in a warm cocoon while undergoing a metamorphosis. But when you emerge from chrysalis as a beautiful butterfly, are you really prepared to fly? No, those wet wings must dry first, as the outside world can be a shock. Rather than surround yourself with people just like you, seek your opposites - the polarities of personalities - and then face your inner turmoil as you react and respond to them.

Okay, let me get to my first point about spiritual elitism: lately I am seeing a whole heck of a lot of "me vs them" mentality online. I'm seeing a lot of very intelligent, spiritually gifted people making comments about "them" with regards to people who are in opposition of them, lumping "them" into a group which automatically takes on the connotation of "negative". This is detrimental to "them" and you - indeed all of us. There is enough segregation on planet 3D polarity Earth - awakening is about breaking down those walls, not putting more bricks in them.

Point two that I must get to before I implode: I am so tired of these "light vs dark" comments. Yes - everyone is comprised of both light and dark. It is fairly common knowledge in our spiritual circles, that light can not exist without dark and vice-versa. We are here on planet polarity to explore these dual aspects of light and shadow, good and bad, happy and sad, up and down... all of these polar opposites help us awaken to the truth of our Soul - CENTER. LOVE.

Just because you are an incredibly gifted spiritual being who thinks pure thoughts and meditates and feels blessed in all ways, does not mean that anyone who challenges you, disagrees with you, or has different beliefs and ideals than you is of the "dark"...

That really irks me. I've seen it for years, I played into it myself in my own experience. And I learned from it. And I urge anyone reading these words to learn from it right now and then let it go. We are 6.5 billion souls sharing an ever changing planet, with dozens of religions, belief patterns, socio-economic experiences, and personal upbringings. We are not going to agree on all aspects of awakening, ascension, chakras, kundalini, starseeds, or any other spiritual topic of esoterica. There are people who are here to explore their shadow side in detail, as part of their soul mission, and who are any of us to judge that as bad, or negative?

The dark is as much GOD and LOVE as the light ever was.

So - this spiritual elitism - it must end my brothers and sisters. No one is any better than another, more enlightened than the least enlightened, any further ahead on the journey, or any closer to the "finish line". Okay?

Now, breathe - with me, because I find myself riled up, as I generally do when I feel the urge to play devils advocate. I speak about what I know, and I know ego, spiritual ego, and spiritual elitism because these were favorite toys of mine during my own early awakening experience. It was wonderful to feel special, gifted, blessed above others, to believe that God hand picked me to have a more charmed spiritual life than others. I played that role to the hilt, until I realized it was just more dogmatic black and white polarity fueled bullpucky.

Perpetuating this ideology only serves to hurt you, and anyone around you. Ultimately it must be recognized for what it is: more of the same old same old. Awakening is not about polarity - or escaping ego - or moving to a different space and time; it is simply an internal experience of knowledge in bloom. To awaken is to remove the veil of 3D dogma and fear, to realize we are all One in the Love of our Cosmic creator. There is none better, none worse. There is no experience that is evil, and there is no experience that is bad. It is all blessed and good - even when it feels horrendous - because it is all coming to you through you for your own best intentions.

God does not make mistakes. Therefore, none of your brethren are on the wrong track - it simply doesn't exist. So if you think so-and-so is going about their spirituality all wrong, time to look in the mirror. There is no such thing as "doing it wrong".

There are simply infinite paths, fueled by the ultimate Love of the Mothers free will gifted to us to explore.

So let's come down from our ivory towers, and sit on the sand for a while, watch the sun set, and remember that it all boils down to perception: if you're seeing yourself on any type of different level than anyone else, then  you're still trapped in the illusion. There is nothing wrong with that either.

There is nothing wrong with anyone, until you assign it a negative value judgment.

So choose liberation - choose Love.

The Bonds of Judgment

Human beings are polarity infused beings from the core of our psyche - everything we see, and encounter on a daily basis is run through our internal filters and judged as either "good" or "bad", "safe" or "unsafe" etc. This is a normal function of the Human mind, as our ability to judge the duality in our life helps us make good choices, as well as assists us in assessing the world around us.

However, as a species we are also constantly judging other people; much of the time this is pointless egocentric behavior which we use to build ourselves up by tearing the other down. We learn this behavior very early on in our lives, on the playground and in the school room. As we mature and grow we continue to use this judgment of others as a tool to pad our own sense of self while comparing ourselves to others in a very polarized way. A lot of this judgment takes place on an unconscious level as it is so deeply ingrained within our behaviors that we aren't consciously aware that we are doing it. But we are doing it; all of us, as we continue to judge one another based on body type, skin color, clothing, socio-economic standing etc. The media plays into these judgments by continually bombarding us with concepts of "right" and "wrong" through advertising and television and big screen cinema.

Some people naturally have an ability to ignore the judgments others make of them, and I commend these people as they must know innately that the only opinion that matters is their own. However, many of us fall victim to feeling affected by how others judge us, and I have found through the years that most empaths are extremely sensitive to how others perceive and judge them.

As a lifelong people-pleaser, I have always been extremely attuned to how I perceive myself to be judged by others, and have always tried to go the extra mile with people who seem incapable of seeing me in a positive light. I have never reacted well to being misjudged or held in a negative light, and for many years I wondered why it would bother me so much if someone else saw me in a way which wasn't true of who I actually am. And as you know, the Universe will continue to give us ample opportunity to learn about the things we just can't figure out; so in my life I've dealt with a lot of judgment as I have never been able to rise above the petty or misguided understandings people have towards me.

It has actually made me so angry in my life to be misjudged by others; when someone insists upon seeing me through their own filter of egotistical self-righteousness instead of seeing me for who I am I tend to feel very anxious and angry! I present myself to the world as I am, I don't put on airs or pretend to be someone I am not, with me what you see is truly what you get. And yet there are some people in life who insist upon seeing me in a completely different way.

Recently I've had another opportunity to experience the inequity of someone elses negative judgment of myself, and this time it really served as an epiphany; by George I think I'm finally getting it.

I experienced someone judging me to suit their own need to feel victimized by me. My brother in law has not gotten along with his brother, my husband, since we met 9 years ago. For many years I held myself responsible for the gap in their relationship, as I knew that my husbands brother didn't like me, and assumed this was enough for them to be at odds. Of course, I let my brother in law's judgments of me make me feel lesser, guilty, and as though I should be doing more, being better, living up to his expectations. But circumstances in the last week made it crystal clear to me that this man has never once attempted to really know me for who I am - I was judged the first moment he looked at me, and I never stood a chance with him from that point on.

No matter what I may have attempted or done in the last decade, this man has built up his own vision of who he believes I am, so no amount of effort on my part will change his mind. And for a long time I tried to accept this. But now I have a renewed sense of self-awareness, and I realize that his opinion of me is truly none of my business.

I am none of what he accuses me of being, and each time I tried to evidence that to him he became angrier, and more sure of my evil nature, and my ruining his relationship with his brother. Each time I have tried to tell him that it was never my intention for him and his brother to become estranged, he becomes more certain that I have plotted to do so all along. It is quite comical really, when I take myself out of the equation and look at it from an unbiased third party position; this man has accused me of stealing his brother from him, and yet he can't see how his negative judgments of me have been what has pushed his brother out of his life.

So when someone chooses to judge you and believe you are someone you are not, are you responsible to change their mind? Of course not.

The only opinion that matters is that of yourself, and I see that so clearly now. The people who really know me know who I am to the core of my heart, and the fact that they see me clearly for who I am gives me peace of mind; and yet it doesn't define me.

No one else's opinion of me can define me, unless I allow myself to feel insecure towards their perception.

So I am thankful to my brother in law for hating me so fully; he hates a figment of his imagination. It isn't me, and never was me that he disliked, because he never gave himself the chance to really know me. It is a load off my heart to know that the person he blames for ruining his fraternal relationship isn't real. It frees me from feelings of guilt and obligation to know that I have never been the issue in the rift between these two men; I was a good point of contention in a relationship which my husband assures me was troubled before I even came into his life.

So when you feel judged by someone else, rather than pay attention to their judgment of you, pay attention to your response to that judgment. If you feel the need to fight the judgment and alter the others perception of yourself, ask yourself why? I have done a lot of this in the last few days, and come to the conclusion that it was my ego needing to assert itself to this man, my heart and soul knows who I am, and is at peace with myself. But my ego is a bear and wanted to claw him with my words until he realized how wrong he is about me.

But he isn't wrong; in his mind and understanding I am all of the horrible things he thinks I am. And until he sees me for who I am, instead of who he chooses to believe I am, I will be all of those horrible things he has accused me of - to him. But his opinion and judgment does not touch my life unless I let it. And I am not responsible for fixing his faulty perception; I am only accountable for who I am being, and how I myself am perceiving others.

So I let it go. And I forgive him for his need to blame others for his failed relationships. And I forgive myself for ever feeling that I needed to try to be more acceptable to him.

His brother is the one who loves me, who took vows with me on our wedding day; it is his brother who sees me clearly, and that is what love is.

I can't recall who said it, but it is an apt statement to end this entry with: "other people's opinions of me are none of my business."

Relationships & Awakening

Part of the spiritual awakening process involves the natural attraction of like energy to like energy. As we continue to delve into self-awareness and consciousness, people who were once very important in our lives may seem to become difficult to be around, and this can lead to feelings of turmoil, guilt or melancholy. It is important that you remember that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This is a spiritual cliche which is a simple aspect of the law of attraction. When you are operating on a certain vibrational frequency your energy will draw people to you who suit that resonance and who naturally vibe with your own energy.

This can lead to difficulty with personal relationships however, as we find ourselves growing in different directions than our loved ones. I myself have had to say goodbye to close friends in the past few years, simply because we stopped "clicking". Now, this isn't to say we stop being friends with people because we feel we are on a different level than them; this isn't about picking and choosing our friends. This is about friends simply sliding out of our lives for what at the time may seem like ridiculous or even hurtful reasons.

A couple of years ago I prayed to the Universe to send me a close girlfriend, I had moved from city to city so many times in the decade previous that I found myself without a close friend who I could sit and talk with in person. So I was really yearning for a physical friendship, and the Universe delivered. I met a woman who was so much like me in so many ways that we automatically became thicker than thieves. And the friendship nourished me in so many ways, for a while.

When the friendship began to demand more of me than I was equipped to give, rather than let it flow naturally I tried to bend, and be who I felt I should be in the relationship. I allowed myself to be bossed around at times, to have my life put under the microscope of a nosy friend, and ultimately the balance shifted to the point where I no longer felt comfortable in the friendship. I talked to my friend several times, in very low key ways, keeping it light and airy so as not to rock the boat, and for a while things would be good but eventually the balance would shift again and I'd find myself feeling somewhat choked by the friendship.

When the Universe began giving me signs that the friendship no longer suited me spiritually or mentally, instead of faithfully letting it ease into a gentle acquaintanceship, I fought for it. I felt threatened at the thought of losing my friend, so I tried harder to be who I felt she wanted me to be in the friendship. This was exhausting and eventually things just came to a head.

A few weeks ago the Universe just closed the door on the friendship, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks as my phone stopped ringing, and our nearly daily visits became a non-entity. I mourned for a few days, and felt angry for a few days, and tried to understand what I had done wrong. Of course, as a spiritual person this is what we do; we examine ourselves trying to ascertain our responsibility in a situation, to see where we can grow, how we can improve, to see if our ego is tricking us in some capacity.

In the end I have come to accept that the friendship was more work than play in the end, and while we had everything in common when we first met, we have nothing in common now. This is not to say I am better than her, or vice versa; we simply grew in different directions.

And this is a very common occurrence during awakening; you will find yourself quite like a magnet with some people being drawn to you inexplicably, and others being repelled. You will know immediately within your intuition whether a person is beneficial to your experience or detrimental to it. And if someone who has been in your life for a long time suddenly becomes less involved, perhaps this is simply the natural balance of relationships as you grow, evolve and walk your spiritual path.

So be sure to value your relationships, and yet do not cling to them. This was a lesson which was hard for me to learn, as one of my biggest issues in this life is a fear of abandonment. And yet in the last decade I have had a few significant relationships with people I love dearly come to a sudden and unexpected end. My usual response is to internalize and try to figure out what I did wrong. But in truth, there is no blame - people simply grow in different directions.

You may find over the next 13 months that many people suddenly drop out of your life, and while it may seem confusing or saddening it is imperative that you understand that neither you or the other person has necessarily done anything "wrong"; chances are the reason for you being in each others life has come to a close, and the season has ended. So give thanks for the time you've had together, and then release them from the bonds of expectation; let them move on their own path, as you continue down yours. And you never know, your paths may again cross in the future, as you grow towards one another again.

And of course, you'll find new people moving into your life, and it will often feel like kismet, and synchronicity as you meet people who you resonate with on a deeply connected level. This is the Universe providing you with a much more nurturing atmosphere within which to continue growing.

Let go of those who no longer gravitate towards you, and welcome people who are drawn to your glow. Know that relationships are also reflections of who we are in our lives, and sometimes when we make internal philosophical changes our dear ones may not understand, or tolerate these changes. You are not obligated to be someone you are not to please another person. So value who you are, and who you are continuing to become, by gently releasing old bonds of friendship which no longer nourish your soul.

All paths lead to the same destination inevitably, and yet the paths themselves are infinite, and we are each free to choose which path we take. Choose yours with love and respect for yourself, and let yourself be surrounded by people who uplift you, who value you, and who expect nothing of you that you don't expect of yourself.

Fortune Cookie Affirmation

The healing began middle of last week, and this weekend it has been fortified and amplified to the point of utter humility and gracious love.

I spent two hard weeks looking at myself in the most stark light of critical judgment as possible. It was painful; depression always is. It is also an isolating experience for anyone to have. And yet, it is important to go through it, and not just get through it. I had to face some things which I wasn't even aware of on an external level; Spirit gave me the opportunity to weed through some tangles within my psyche to get to a very guarded and dark spot within my heart.

I went to bed early last night, belly full of Chinese food, heart full of joy at a day spent with my family in peace, laughter, with joy. A day of efficiency and cleansing and winterizing together left me feeling quite satisfied, and I drifted off some time after 11pm. I woke this morning, realizing the clocks had been turned back an hour, so it wasn't actually 6am, but 5am. And I tried to go back to sleep but it was obvious within minutes that wasn't going to be an option.

So feeling somewhat irked I got up and went into the living room, and with nothing else to do turned on the television. I was just in time to watch a movie, which I've never heard of, which I figured would be some fluff romantic comedy. Quite the opposite; the movie was about me.

I watched myself through the character in the movie, as he helped others deal with trauma and grief, as he extended his loving patience and concern to people he had never met before. He built his life around helping others, and yet all along in the deepest aspects of his emotional self he had never truly grieved for his own losses, and was walking around with a lot of guilt and self-deprecating baggage. It hit home.

I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water, and saw last nights fortune cookies sitting on the counter. And as I reached for one my lip quirked on one side and I actually thought to myself "this is my movie moment". Indeed, profundity comes in small packages sometimes. The message my fortune shared was this:

"You have a deep understanding of other people's needs and feelings."

Tears slid down my cheek as I zeroed in on the most affecting aspect of the message - "other people's"...

So this last couple of weeks, as I have beaten myself up, torn myself down, slithered into the depths of fear and anxiety, languished in self pity and remorse and guilt... this has been such a profound time of healing for me.

You see, you can only go so long giving of yourself to others, before you find yourself empty. And as I said in my previous blog entry I have been busily giving of my resources to others, while near completely ignoring my own needs. And what have I been needing? Just to let go.

Sounds so simple; those three words. Just let go. Four decades of evading the letting go has proven it to be anything but simple for me.

So I'm going to keep this fortune in my pocket today, and keep reminding myself, that it isn't only other people's needs and feelings I should be understanding. My empathy must also turn inwards, and mirror my truth lest I begin to project a holographic image of myself which just isn't true.

Yes, I am frail. I am weak at times. I sob in earnest confusion not quite knowing why I sob. And I am capable of the most audacious shows of polarity. And I would forgive any human being their humanity. And yet I've spent a lifetime punishing myself for my own.

Today fortune graced me in the form of a cookie. And that alone makes me smile in such a way as I haven't in two weeks, and the peace settling within my heart now needs no words. And I am grateful.

Our Wonderful Differences!

I have some of my most profound thoughts at 4am. Everyone else is asleep, and I'm free to just be, the middle of the night/morning is my favourite time of the day honestly, I enjoy my quiet time alone.

Tonight's thoughts were rotating around my appointment with the surgeon two days ago. I've finally begun to settle down and accept that my situation isn't going to go away on it's own, and surgery is imminent, so I'm starting to see the bigger picture again; I really had tunnel vision for the last couple of days. 

I was so upset when I left the hospital, I kept saying "what an ass!" about the surgeon; his cold calculating and clinical approach just set me off and made me twitch from head to toe. I do not relate well to people like him, as I am oh so very sensitive, emotional, with my heart worn visibly on my sleeve.

I thought to myself  "I wish everyone operated from the heart, with compassion and generosity of spirit". And then I caught myself, and I laughed. And I'm still kind of giggling...

I imagined for a split second the world full of people like me. Are you giggling too yet? Picture it; a world full of idealistic overly sensitive empaths who have to identify every aspect of the psyche to understand the world better. Could you see how life would skid to a rapid halt?

I guess the world needs analytical type A personalities; we need people who think before they feel, who can keep their cool, who look at things like a scientific equation rather than a rose colored ideal.

I imagined myself seeing a surgeon who is just like me, and I realized I would love to talk to him or her, and would enjoy discussing my spinal disease and the prognosis, however... I have to admit (with a grin on my lips) that I don't think I'd want that particular surgeon performing my surgery. Why? Quite simply: I would rather have someone who has grace under fire, who can roll with the punches, who is calm and cool headed, and these are not my strong traits.

If the world were full of idealistic dreamy Piscean Spiritualists it would be a completely different place. Our society couldn't survive as we know it in that situation. Perhaps if the world were full of dreamy idealists the world would be a more peaceful place, but in regards to the world we do live in, we need people of all varieties and character.

So I'm grateful for people who don't operate under my personal parameters. I'm grateful I live in a world where people are not the same, because not everyone is cut out to do the things others do. I could not cut people open and perform surgeries. I could not work nurses hours, and endure the abuses they can. I could not be a politician, or a truck driver (I get vertigo when driving above 80 kilometers per hour or more). There are many things I could not do; the world would grind to a halt if we were all like me.

So I'll be satisfied to be the only me there is, and try to keep a more open mind about people who are different than me. When I see the surgeon next, perhaps I'll be more patient and accommodating of his own quirky arrogance, and accept that he is who he is for a reason, and while I do not particularly like him as a person, it is the traits I dislike in him personally which give me faith in him surgically.

In an ideal world, we'd all be of one thought, one goal, one dream. But we live in the real physical world right now, maybe the ideal thing to do is accept it, and everyone in it. I for one feel better for realizing how I myself was judging people who have a tougher exterior than myself.

Filling Your Own Cup First

Goodness gracious, I am certainly my own worst student, and best teacher sometimes. I have had a lot of time to think since my visit to my back surgeon yesterday; as my previous post indicated, I have been diagnosed with a spinal disease, which has been causing me a lot of spinal chronic pain for over a decade. Yesterday I jumped automatically to fear, panic and sorrow. I am a firm believer in letting emotions out, and expressing ones self honestly, this is just the most healing and natural thing I can think to do with the energy of our internal mechanisms in motion (EnergyInMotion: E-Motion).

Being the constant and incessant thinker, reflector, and contemplator that I am, I have cycled through so many feelings, thoughts and internal issues in the last 36 hours. It hurt, so badly at first; the pain was deep and just so potent. And as always, the hindsight that kicks in after a whirlwind experience gave me a huge sigh of relief and self-understanding.

When I spoke with my mother on the phone today we spoke of my initial scoliosis surgery in 1988. I was 16 at the time, and I honestly thought nothing of it. I had the courage of youth, and just knew I'd be okay, it wasn't a big  deal, I didn't let it phase me for a moment. Even the 9 month recovery period was simply "boring" to me at that age. We talked about how I am not a teenager anymore, and my fear became clearer to me as we spoke...

I mulled it over back and forth today, and then spoke with my family physician this evening, and came to realize that as an adult, I have never properly acknowledged the massive changes my initial surgery made on my life. As a Pisces, I'm naturally very emotional and sensitive, and very ready to move on and not hold on to things, I may become emotional quickly and with great fervor, however I let things go and move on quite wonderfully. And yet, I realized today for the first time in the 23 years since my surgery that there are things within me which I have held on to, and not let go of.

I was a competitive swimmer before my surgery; and during the 9 month recovery put on 30 pounds, which made me feel too insecure to get back into the pool. I can look back now and clearly see the spiral that insecurity created in me, as each year I put a little bit more weight on. Now I am nearly 40 years old, and extremely overweight. I hold regret within me for not getting back into the pool at the age of 17, getting back in shape, and back into competitions again. Before my surgery my swim coach was grooming me for Barcelona, and yet all of that fell to the wayside as I put on weight, and I just let those dreams go.

So I delved deeper into my psyche and came up with so much rich introspective information about myself, my life, how I feel about who I am, how I developed panic disorder, where my fears began to hold me back from truly living my life. And then the biggest truth of the day hit me:

I am so inclined and honored to help others, to give Tarot Readings, and lend Spiritual council and consultation. And yet, when it comes to me, myself, I feel rather selfish to spend time working on my own aches and karmic wounds.

So I thought about my cup;

The psyche is a deep and unfathomable thing at times, and to shine a light on an internal issue and glean a terrific piece of self-awareness is a gift. I realize with such tremendous force that I have told countless clients and friends and families through the years the importance of filling ones own cup first, lest they not have enough to share with those in their lives. The visual is simple; you see yourself standing at a fountain pouring out rich clear cool cleansing water. You stand before this fountain with your cup half full, and everyone you love and care for, everyone who relies upon you or requires something of you is standing behind you, holding up their cups begging you to give them some water. But if your cup is only half full, you will only be able to share so much of your water with a few people before your cup is empty. So it is imperative to fill your own cup first, so that you will be better fit to help those in your life.

I have not been filling my own cup, and it has caused me some great stress and disconnect.

So I am going to fill my cup where possible. I'll be honest, I am very frightened of having further back surgeries, I am not 16 anymore, and I know recovery will be difficult at my age. And I'll be even more honest, and tell you with all humility that I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. When I had surgery at 16 I thought nothing of it. Now I can barely think of anything but this, and how it will affect my family, my job, my online business, my clients, and the thought of all the cups I won't be able to help fill while I'm laid up really scares me.

And there's my gem. Do you see it? I know it's human, and normal and quite natural; we worry so much about how we impact everyone around us, we often don't put ourselves first. My fear yesterday had more to do with all of the expectations I have of myself as a wife, a mother, a reader, an employee...

So I stand here, cup slowly filling, as I promise myself that everyone in every aspect of my life will understand, and support me, and encourage me. I am not letting anyone down. And I am not a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, or spiritual facilitator, because I too AM human, and my physical body requires some tuning up.

And it is okay for me to take some time to prepare for this journey I'm about to take. It's okay for me to focus on getting into physical shape for the one or two surgeries I'll be having in the next one to two years. It's okay for me to have moments of anxiety and wonder "what if". It is more than okay to worry about the unknown.

In a nutshell, it is okay for me to be me. So I won't make any more excuses, or statements of apology for my honesty, or requests for your understanding when I feel I'm stepping on toes. I am embarking upon a new voyage and I hope you'll be here with me every step of the way, giving me your advice, your friendship, your insights and wisdom. I hope that you'll grow with me, as we move through the mysteries of each new moment. I hope we can begin to really look within ourselves together, as individuals, to the places we neglect, to the parts of our inner "child" who has some reckoning yet to do.

Because we're worth it. I love you my dear friends, followers and readers. I thank you for taking your precious time and reading my thoughts and ideals. And I cordially invite you to the next phase of this blog-venture, as each new entry is like a new day.

With all of my Love, I'm going to fill my own cup now.

The Big Picture: Greater Perspective

I often reference "the big picture" when I am speaking to people during Spiritual Consultations, or in my Tarot Readings. And every  now and again, a person will look at me uncertainly and ask me what I mean.

Perception being a personal and internal thing, "the big picture" can mean many different things, depending on your thought process. So I'll share with you my idea of "the big picture". Perhaps you'll see the irony in it, as I do; the big picture truly requires you to get "smaller" to really see it .

I will share my idea of the big picture through visualization, so please allow me to take you on a bit of a journey now. Relax where you are sitting reading, and take a couple of cleansing deep breaths.

Now look at your self and your life from a third person perspective. See your life from outside of yourself, as though you were looking at your environment and experiences as you would a TV character. Detach yourself, and un-bias yourself. See your life from a distance, and first begin by seeing everything directly surrounding you. See the room you sit in, in the house or apartment or flat you live in. See the other people or pets in your living environment, all going about their business, doing their own things. See your job, or school, and other daily obligations as something like branches on a tree; they are extensions of how you spend your time on a daily basis. 

Now move outwards a bit further, so that you see your house, apartment or flat in the neighborhood in which you live. See all of the other houses, buildings, parks, trees, cars and everything that take up space in your neighborhood.

Move outwards further now, and see your neighborhood in the city or town or village which you live in. See the totality of your locality; see how many people live in close proximity of each other in your area of the world, see all of the cars, and the fields, and the rivers and streams and lakes. 

Move out yet again, so that you now see your city or town in the province, or state in which you live, and then again move out to see your province or state in the country in which you live.

In your unbiased unattached perspective, see your country in relation to the oceans and seas that surround it, and the other countries which border it. Continue to widen your view to the point where you now see the entire world. 

Here you are, now looking at the Earth. And I want you to move again further out, so that the Earth becomes smaller as you move away, and eventually it becomes nothing more than a dot, and then inevitably a star shining far in the distance.

Seeing all of this widening of perspective, think back now to where you are sitting, at your computer or tablet, reading a blog article on the internet, in the room which you are sitting in. Can you truly see your life as something chaotic or dramatic when you have just previously seen life from such a bigger vantage point? You have just watched your world get incredibly small, while you watched the world grow infinitely huge.

This is seeing the big picture. Because in essence, this is the state of being; we are small individual creatures living our remote secluded lives in our tiny regions of a vast planet. And yet, the Universe goes on naturally, despite what we are experiencing from moment to moment in our emotional and physical life. The comets still move through space, as the planets still revolve around the suns, and the nebulae continue to expand in gaseous explosions of brilliant hues. The pains and pleasures you feel on a daily basis really seem to pale in comparison to the vastness of our Universe, don't they.

When life bogs you down, and you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed by it all, you can always remember the "big picture". The next time you feel yourself losing your wits at the piles of responsibilities you have, and the phone won't stop ringing, and the bills keep piling up, and you worry about how you'll afford X without sacrificing Y, catch yourself, and take a deep cleansing breath, and move outwards... look at the big picture, as you yourself become continually smaller and tinier. And remember, that long after this crisis, or this sorrow, or this upheaval passes, life will still continue to move naturally through this entire Universe.

The big picture is humbling, awe-inspiring, mysterious and peace inducing. I have shared with you elsewhere on this blog of mine that I have suffered from Panic Disorder in my past. And one of the things which helped me to overcome and cope with that panic was meditation. The thing which every meditation began with was this particular visualization exercise. To this day, if I feel myself losing my grip in the moment, I move to this visualization... and then I exhale and remember that "it isn't so bad after all". Because in such a terrific and immense Universe where everything is possible, and mysterious, and enigmatic, how can our small problems really amount to much in the grand scheme of things? This is the big picture, and it is beautiful.

With Divine Love,

Coping with Anxiety & Panic

One of the goals I had in mind when I created this blog was to help people who are endeavoring to live a spiritual life to cope with integration, assimilation and balancing of the spirit with the physical. We are, after all, physical beings living very 3D physical lives, however we experience so much more than just what we can see and touch as we wander through our spiritual journeys.

It doesn't really matter what you believe personally, because my own beliefs are rather broad and universal, and I do believe that what I share is aimed at anyone at all, no matter what beliefs are held. Whether you're Christian, Buddhist, Wiccan or Mormon, I believe we're all compelled by the same basic truth: a connection to Spirit. It doesn't matter what we call spirit, how we address it, whether we're following the teachings of Jesus, or Mohammed, or Ashtar or Cerridwyn; we are all drawn to the beautiful mystery of spirit both within us, and all around us.

I myself have explored and studied many world religions in an attempt to better understand myself in relation to Spirit as I understand it. So while I don't go to church every Sunday, or observe the Sabbats with a coven, I am equally respectful towards all religions, even the ones I see causing damage to the human soul through dogma and conditioning.

This being said, I'd like to touch on various topics and subjects which transcend belief, and touch us as human beings. And one of these things which I'd like to talk about right now is anxiety. You see, no matter how at peace a person is, as long as we reside within the human biology we are all prone to moments of anxiety. Our brains work in sync with the rest of our bodies, and yet the brain is distributing chemicals throughout all of the time, and regulating the glands as such. And at times these regulatory functions are put off kilter, resulting in what is called "chemical imbalance". I see the medical establishment beginning to open it's eyes as a whole, and accept a lot of new age healing modalities and treatments. And yet I still see spiritualists of all belief systems shying away from modern medicine and pharmacology. I believe that everything serves a purpose, so long as it is in moderation, and Western medicine can work wonderfully when coupled with Eastern philosophy and healing artforms.

So what is anxiety?

Anxiety is not to be confused with fear. Fear is a natural response to the unknown or intimidating, and it is something I do talk about, and will talk about more in this blog. However, today I want to explore anxiety. It can result in fear, and certainly can be precipitated by fear, but it is not fear in and of itself. Anxiety is a physical reaction to a fluctuation of bodily chemical dispersal.

Anxiety is something which is becoming ever more prevalent in our society, and I'm not sure if that is due to the foods we eat, or the schedules we keep, or the lack of sleep we get as time speeds up. In fact I'm not sure anyone knows for sure what the cause is of this increase in global anxiety; but it's clear to me that people are experiencing more anxiety as the years go by.

I myself had the usual or "normal" anxiety most of my life, until about 8 years ago when I had my first full blown "panic attack". I suffered panic attacks for two years, and during that time became agoraphobic due to the multitude of stimuli that were my triggers. I was so afraid and victimized by my panic attacks that I literally locked myself in my house for two years and had very little ability to function outside my home on my own.

My anxiety manifested physically in several ways, the most common of them being:

• increased heart rate
• blurred vision
• hyperventilation
• cold sweat
• chest pain
• sense of impending doom

There were also some uncommon symptoms which were very difficult to live with:

• blacking out
• sensation of being sucked out of my body
• a feeling like my brain literally spinning in my skull

After some time I became aware that this wasn't going to go away on it's own, so I sought the advice of my family doctor. I was encouraged to see a psychiatrist who put me on two different medications. And while the medications did help to lessen the symptoms and attacks, they mostly kept me feeling numb. This wasn't adequate for me, so I began to meditate every day, extensively. And this was when I began to feel empowered again, and rediscover my drive and strength.

I meditated every day for upwards of an hour, and eventually found my voice again, and one day walked into my psychiatrists office and essentially "fired" her, as I did not find her useful, empathetic, or even understanding. I found her cold and clinical, and simply telling her this helped me to feel taller, stronger. And eventually I began to wean off of the two anxiety medications I was taking. Within six months of firing my shrink, I was off the medication, and only using one for onset attacks, as needed. The feeling of empowerment was phenomenal. To this day, I keep a prescription filled for my breakthrough medication, just in case, as I know that there will always be anxiety in my life to some degree or another, and not all of it is simple for me to cope with on my own. But I only need to use the medication once every few months now, which is an incredible turn around for me, as once I took it several times a day.

How to cope with Anxiety?

I'd like to recommend a few methods I used to cope with anxiety and panic attacks, some conventional, and some not so much, but all extremely effective for me, and I'm quite sure they'd help others as well.

1. Talk to your doctor. I advise this to anyone who has worrisome or troubling anxiety or panic attacks. It is important to be open to the advice of your doctor, as there are some very helpful medications which are meant to help you regain chemical balance, and you need not be on them long term.
2. Get real with yourself. This is something that takes time, sometimes years to achieve, and indeed something I recommend to everyone. We all have inner fears, and things from our past which live within the subconscious waiting for us to pay attention to them. As children we stuff things down deep inside, and as adults these things may seem small when seen in the light of day, and yet those feelings from childhood can be as intense when a panic attack begins. So you must be willing to be really honest with yourself; about your motivations, agenda, fears, how you treat people, how you view yourself and your life. The Oracle at Delphi said "Know Thyself" and is truly the best advice that you can give and receive, as it is the key to unlocking true peace in your life. Denial is not a useful component in your life, so get real, and be patient with yourself, because this can take some time.
3. Be open about your anxiety. It's important to talk about your panic and anxiety with the people closest to you in your life. They deserve to know how you're feeling, and you deserve this level of honesty from yourself. So let your loved ones and friends know that you're dealing with some anxiety issues, and that you're working on it. Let them know how they can be helpful during this time with you. I was very honest with my husband when I began to understand my panic disorder, and I would tell him what I required from him while I was in panic mode, so he knew how to best care for me, talk to me, and treat me when I would go into a panic attack. 
4. Meditate and relax every day. It's important to make time for yourself, to just be. Meditation is a wonderful tool for everybody, as it helps you to intake more oxygen which is vital to the brain and blood and major organs. When you meditate you naturally begin to breathe more deeply, and this oxygenation will help you to regain equilibrium faster during an attack. Also, avoid natural triggers such as caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants like alcohol or overly processed (fast) foods. When you treat the body as a temple and nourish it with love and healthy foods and drinks you will find yourself capable of going longer between "episodes" of anxiety. I love taking baths, and the two year period in which panic was ruling my life was a time of many meditations, and baths. I would play relaxing music, light candles, and meditate in the bath; eventually this became my sacred time and space, and I began to look forward to it every evening.
5. Keep everything in perspective. It's so important to remember the "big picture" when you go into panic mode. So create mantras for yourself, or reminders and sayings. For me, it was incredibly helpful to notice I was beginning to have anxiety, to recognize my breathing was more shallow, and I was feeling more edgy. When I would recognize this and saw an attack was coming on, I would automatically begin to breathe deeply, and tell myself things like "I am ok, there is nothing wrong, this will pass". I would remind myself that I was healthy, and whole, and had family and friends who loved me, and that I was a good person worthy of love and compassion. This always helped me to get through an attack much faster.
6. Stop trying to control everything. I have found most people who suffer from anxiety or panic tend towards being control freaks, myself included. So it is a fundamental truth that panic can help you to learn how to trust, and have faith, because people who try to control do not have a deep sense of faith or trust. Let go your need to be in control, see that it is silly, learn that every moment is perfect as it is, and stop expecting so much of yourself and others. Learn to live and let live, and also to appreciate what you have now. Letting go of your need to control will help you to feel at peace with life the way it is.

You see, if we let the panic attack dominate, then we'll end up thinking incredibly self-defeatist thoughts, and end up exacerbating the attack by falling victim to negativity. So you have to be your own nurse, councilor, and guru; you must treat yourself like you would treat your most cherished loved one.

Panic in relation to Awakening and Enlightenment.

I have had so many people contact me through the years, through my websites and forums, saying things like "I've been meditating for years, and now I'm having anxiety, what am I doing wrong?" and I have to address this, because I see it so often. You must know that the road to self-awareness and awakening is going to have it's share of bumps and dead ends my friend. People who consciously decide to embark upon a life of awakening, and spiritual enlightenment learn along the way that we are such multi-faceted beings, and courage is required to really go all the way with this type of lifestyle, in fact the commitment required to really know yourself is all-encompassing. To know yourself you have to face all your dark, all your shadows; you must be willing to look back on everything you've done in your life and see it for what it is, without justifying your mistakes, or disowning them. You have to be ready to admit your faults, your fears, and your delusions. And it is only natural that people who dedicate themselves to this much honesty and authenticity will from time to time have to deal with issues like depression, or anxiety and panic. 

They say ignorance is bliss, and the road to enlightenment is anything but ignorant or blissful, because there will be things we encounter which challenge our belief systems, and rock the very foundation of our sense of self. It's no wonder we don't end up hyperventilating once in a while, as the body assimilates something the mind and spirit are working on understanding!

So cut yourself some slack, and know that there is nothing "wrong" with you. You are human, and we are very sensitive creatures. It is okay to have fear, to feel insecure, to question yourself and your upbringing and the very morals and principles you were raised with. To expect yourself to face all of this without having moments of weakness is an unrealistic expectation.

Know you're not alone, ever. And if things get too heavy for you to deal with at any given time, then it's time to take a break. I've taken breaks through my life, in which I've put away my cards, crystals and runes, and stopped meditating in order to give myself a rest. You can take in too much too fast, and the body will manifest panic in order to let you know it's time to slow down. So listen to your body, and try to understand that these seemingly negative episodes serve a very beautiful and divine purpose.

How else could you truly understand peace unless you first experienced and understood chaos?

I wish you much love, and infinite blessings on your journey.

Polarity & The Road to Peace

As you may know by now, I have been administrating and authoring websites and web forums and communities for about 12 years online. My spiritual journey began long before that of course, but the internet really helped me to connect on a greater scale, and I have found that the greater my base of friends and relations has become online, the more I have unlocked within myself.

It's quite easy to find peace in ones own sphere of understanding; if you do not press outside of your boundaries, you will seldom find things to tamper with your equilibrium. But when you expose yourself to situations or people which you usually wouldn't encounter, you open yourself up to new perspectives, and this is honestly when the profound growth begins to occur.

I remember being a spiritually minded child, my mother would really stimulate me by sitting up late at night, talking about our ideas of God, and the universe. We would imagine together in such a way that I felt really challenged, and yet free to explore; my mother is a great and many things, but she has always pushed me to explore the depths of my psyche, and indeed reality around me, for that I will always treasure her.

As I got older I dabbled, as many of you are aware, in everything from Golden Dawn, to being in a Wiccan Coven, to Buddhism/Taoism, and eventually settled on a solitary path of ancient Paganism. I have run Starseed websites and forums, as I also honor the path of the soul, and know that we are not all native to this body, to this planet, indeed to this universe. I believe life is an infinite spiral, much like the fractal patterns of the Mandalbrot Set, and we move in endless directions on our path of self-awareness.

The more I have pushed myself, the more I have been challenged, and this challenge doesn't always feel warm or fuzzy. But it is always abundantly rewarding, if only through the wizened eyes of retrospect.

I am poor at analogy, but let me attempt, sloppy as it may be. Imagine you lived in a small town, with a population of only a hundred people. Every day you got up, went to the same job, saw the same people, did the same thing, and then went home to dinner, to bed, all so you could get up and do it all again the next day. Imagine this safe little country life was all you knew, and all you understood of the world. Sounds idyllic to many, yes? I myself would love to live in this type of glorious blissful ignorance, as it would be safe, and predictable, and quite routine.

Now let's look to the polarized opposite of this ideal and quiet life; let's say you are an adventuresome nomad who has spent most of your life roaming from town to town, country to country. You've explored every area of the earth your feet have led you towards, and as a result you have seen countless cultures, beliefs, ideals and lifestyles. You are familiar with the customs of many, and this has enabled you to get along quite well with people of all sorts of belief and lifestyle.

Now let's take these two hypothetical versions of yourself, the quiet country simple you, and the world traveler, and put them together in a room with a table and two chairs. These two versions of you sit together, facing one another. Now, let's have one more person enter the room with both versions of yourself, and let this person be an alien, humanoid perhaps, but strange and different from what you both now. Let this third being stand between you both, and just look back and forth from you both.

What do you think the result would be? I can only imagine that the simple routine-enriched version of myself would be so shocked as to perhaps faint, or have a full blown panic attack. The ability to comprehend this level of difference would just not function. And yet, the other version of myself, who has spent her life exploring and amongst a vast array of people would most certainly feel inspired and awed and humbled and excited.

Now, I weave this very pedantic and childish analogy to draw a point, and yes, I do have a point, thank you for bearing with me :)

If spiritually speaking, you surround yourself with the same routine, the same people with the same ideals, and the same notions, and the same information and ritual, day in and day out, I have no doubt you will be blissful. Ignorantly blissful...

And yet, spiritually speaking, if you explore, and push yourself to understand others, and you wander, and you go to lengths to walk a mile in the shoes of other people, with other beliefs and ideals and morals, you will no doubt be equipped to take on pretty much anything life sets before you.

I draw this simple analogy for a purpose; I see a lot of spiritualists starting to hit "the wall". You know how runners will reach a point in their race where they lose all energy and feel like falling down? They have hit the wall, and it is up to them whether they continue to push forward, or they stop and rest. There is no good or bad in either choice too, that is not what this is about. This is about the wall itself, and when one hits the spiritual wall it is fantastic.

When you go about your spiritual routine, and life, you will inevitably come across something that pushes your beliefs, rubs you the wrong way, makes you question your very existence, because this is the very nature of philosophy, which is a fundamental principal in a spiritually driven life. And when you are confronted by this very profound and life altering moment, it is much like a runner hitting the wall. You run out of steam, you feel exhausted, you throw your hands up and say "whats the use?? I have spent so much time learning, meditating, reading, exploring, I'm tired!!! I give up!" You can either give in and go within yourself and tune out for however long you want, or you can muster up the drive and courage to keep going.

When you find that courage to keep going true transformation begins. 

It is not a bad thing to hit the spiritual wall, and throw your hands up and say "Forget it!! I'm outta here". In fact if you feel this way, then maybe it's a good idea to take a breather. Put down your spiritual books, and put the crystals and amulets back on the shelf, and leave your sage unlit, and go have a bath or sit outside and reconnect to your physicality. You can always choose to courageously move forward at any point in time. But should you choose to do so while you feel the mental strain and exhaustion you will always find your growth accelerates.

There is no prize for first place in Awakening, but if you are driven towards true self-awareness, then I urge you to take the path less traveled and really push yourself. Because true growth will not occur through easy-breezy peaceful platitudes; you must go through your own personal storm in order to achieve a greater level of self-awareness and Universal understanding.

You must weather the mental strain of the dichotomies of philosophy, in order to really push your mind outside of the box it currently resides in. You have to tear down your understanding of life, brick by brick and piece by piece, in order to be able to see the true construct of life, as it is. In this way, Awakening is very much like the movie The Matrix, because it is not an easy or whimsical task to open ones eyes up to the truth of infinite essence. You have to unlearn all of the programmed dogma residing within your psyche and ancestry. You have to look into the darkest recesses of yourself and your ego, to the horrendously ugly parts of yourself, the greedy aspects of you, the trifling judgmental and downright nasty parts of yourself. It is imperative for you to truly "know thyself" in order to reach enlightenment.

And the journey to this deep intimate level of self-awareness is fraught with ugly truths my friends. So it is going to hurt. And it isn't going to feel like sunshine and roses every step of the way; it simply can not - and if it does, then you're not getting it. We are living on planet polarity for a reason - you can not go from zero to sixty in 1 second, you must gradually pick up the pace, and this takes time, determination, perseverance, and a dedication to truth, compassion, forgiveness, clarity, and love.

So I see you there, sitting alone feeling disconnected, confused, hurt and scared. I see you clearly, and I've sat there in your position, and I have no doubt I will feel that way again, and again. This is because I am also dedicated to my personal journey of self-awareness, and I know it isn't always going to tickle. There are going to be days where I can barely get out of bed because I feel to the core of my being just how insidiously disgusting my ego is. There will be days where I can't stand to look at humanity because I'll understand on a cellular level just how manipulative and greedy and diabolical our species can be. There will be days where I feel so alone, and jaded, that I'll think "forget all this spiritual crap, I'm going back to 3D where I only have to believe what I see".

But we know that's not possible. You can not unlearn what you know. And while ignorance is bliss, it is a very short one way street that leads to a dead end.

To transcend the ignorance of bliss, push yourself to go beyond what you know and hold tightly to, and venture out into the knowledge of the infinite. It is scary. Sometimes it is gross. And at times it will be exhausting. And yet it will always lead to milestones, plateaus, and moments of epiphany so great as you feel deeply within yourself our connection - our truth - our cosmic ancestry.

So don't give up. And don't settle for easy. Push yourself to truly understand yourself, your motives, your agenda. Look at your darker aspects and own it - don't try to project it or simplify it or justify it - just look at the despicable parts of yourself and say "yes, that is part of who I have been, now I see it, I understand it, and it is my imperative to grow beyond it."

The road to peace isn't paved with soft fluffy white clouds. It isn't a peaceful boat ride on a quiet summer stream. It certainly isn't a cobblestone walk up illuminated stairs, while holding hands with angels...

The road to peace is paved with polarity. Shine your light on it - see it - learn from it - and keep moving forward. Always. You are never alone... you are Love.