Filling Your Own Cup First

Goodness gracious, I am certainly my own worst student, and best teacher sometimes. I have had a lot of time to think since my visit to my back surgeon yesterday; as my previous post indicated, I have been diagnosed with a spinal disease, which has been causing me a lot of spinal chronic pain for over a decade. Yesterday I jumped automatically to fear, panic and sorrow. I am a firm believer in letting emotions out, and expressing ones self honestly, this is just the most healing and natural thing I can think to do with the energy of our internal mechanisms in motion (EnergyInMotion: E-Motion).

Being the constant and incessant thinker, reflector, and contemplator that I am, I have cycled through so many feelings, thoughts and internal issues in the last 36 hours. It hurt, so badly at first; the pain was deep and just so potent. And as always, the hindsight that kicks in after a whirlwind experience gave me a huge sigh of relief and self-understanding.

When I spoke with my mother on the phone today we spoke of my initial scoliosis surgery in 1988. I was 16 at the time, and I honestly thought nothing of it. I had the courage of youth, and just knew I'd be okay, it wasn't a big  deal, I didn't let it phase me for a moment. Even the 9 month recovery period was simply "boring" to me at that age. We talked about how I am not a teenager anymore, and my fear became clearer to me as we spoke...

I mulled it over back and forth today, and then spoke with my family physician this evening, and came to realize that as an adult, I have never properly acknowledged the massive changes my initial surgery made on my life. As a Pisces, I'm naturally very emotional and sensitive, and very ready to move on and not hold on to things, I may become emotional quickly and with great fervor, however I let things go and move on quite wonderfully. And yet, I realized today for the first time in the 23 years since my surgery that there are things within me which I have held on to, and not let go of.

I was a competitive swimmer before my surgery; and during the 9 month recovery put on 30 pounds, which made me feel too insecure to get back into the pool. I can look back now and clearly see the spiral that insecurity created in me, as each year I put a little bit more weight on. Now I am nearly 40 years old, and extremely overweight. I hold regret within me for not getting back into the pool at the age of 17, getting back in shape, and back into competitions again. Before my surgery my swim coach was grooming me for Barcelona, and yet all of that fell to the wayside as I put on weight, and I just let those dreams go.

So I delved deeper into my psyche and came up with so much rich introspective information about myself, my life, how I feel about who I am, how I developed panic disorder, where my fears began to hold me back from truly living my life. And then the biggest truth of the day hit me:

I am so inclined and honored to help others, to give Tarot Readings, and lend Spiritual council and consultation. And yet, when it comes to me, myself, I feel rather selfish to spend time working on my own aches and karmic wounds.

So I thought about my cup;

The psyche is a deep and unfathomable thing at times, and to shine a light on an internal issue and glean a terrific piece of self-awareness is a gift. I realize with such tremendous force that I have told countless clients and friends and families through the years the importance of filling ones own cup first, lest they not have enough to share with those in their lives. The visual is simple; you see yourself standing at a fountain pouring out rich clear cool cleansing water. You stand before this fountain with your cup half full, and everyone you love and care for, everyone who relies upon you or requires something of you is standing behind you, holding up their cups begging you to give them some water. But if your cup is only half full, you will only be able to share so much of your water with a few people before your cup is empty. So it is imperative to fill your own cup first, so that you will be better fit to help those in your life.

I have not been filling my own cup, and it has caused me some great stress and disconnect.

So I am going to fill my cup where possible. I'll be honest, I am very frightened of having further back surgeries, I am not 16 anymore, and I know recovery will be difficult at my age. And I'll be even more honest, and tell you with all humility that I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. When I had surgery at 16 I thought nothing of it. Now I can barely think of anything but this, and how it will affect my family, my job, my online business, my clients, and the thought of all the cups I won't be able to help fill while I'm laid up really scares me.

And there's my gem. Do you see it? I know it's human, and normal and quite natural; we worry so much about how we impact everyone around us, we often don't put ourselves first. My fear yesterday had more to do with all of the expectations I have of myself as a wife, a mother, a reader, an employee...

So I stand here, cup slowly filling, as I promise myself that everyone in every aspect of my life will understand, and support me, and encourage me. I am not letting anyone down. And I am not a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, or spiritual facilitator, because I too AM human, and my physical body requires some tuning up.

And it is okay for me to take some time to prepare for this journey I'm about to take. It's okay for me to focus on getting into physical shape for the one or two surgeries I'll be having in the next one to two years. It's okay for me to have moments of anxiety and wonder "what if". It is more than okay to worry about the unknown.

In a nutshell, it is okay for me to be me. So I won't make any more excuses, or statements of apology for my honesty, or requests for your understanding when I feel I'm stepping on toes. I am embarking upon a new voyage and I hope you'll be here with me every step of the way, giving me your advice, your friendship, your insights and wisdom. I hope that you'll grow with me, as we move through the mysteries of each new moment. I hope we can begin to really look within ourselves together, as individuals, to the places we neglect, to the parts of our inner "child" who has some reckoning yet to do.

Because we're worth it. I love you my dear friends, followers and readers. I thank you for taking your precious time and reading my thoughts and ideals. And I cordially invite you to the next phase of this blog-venture, as each new entry is like a new day.

With all of my Love, I'm going to fill my own cup now.