My Spine: Finally, Results

Let me apologize in advance: This entry will be far from Divine or enlightened, please consider yourself duly warned. I am in a really blue place right now, and need to express my feelings in order to let them go.

As you may know, I have been waiting for over 3 years to see a back surgeon about my agonizing back pain. I have scoliosis, and in 1988 had two Harrington rods placed on my spine from T5 to L2 along my back. About 12 years ago when I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter my back started to hurt more often than usual. And through the years it has become increasingly painful.

In the last three years it has become crippling, limiting my mobility to the point where I really do not participate in any activity aside from sitting, standing for short periods, and walking for very short distances. I have put a lot of weight on as a result of this, and yet any time I have attempted to exercise the pain has been too profound to continue.

Today, after three stressful years of waiting I finally saw the back surgeon. The appointment was humiliating from the beginning, as his student assistant told me within the first 5 minutes of consulting with me that smoking was degenerating my spine. I sat in abject horror with my jaw hung open looking at him with shock as the tears began to flow down my cheeks. I felt myself getting tense all over, and he laughed at me (he actually laughed at me!) and said "why are you crying we are only just getting started?" and I let go... I told him that I've been waiting 3 years to see the surgeon, living in daily chronic pain, waiting to be seen regarding my scoliosis, my fusions, looking for a way to get my life back, and he is going to lecture me about smoking??

I lost it. He shut up quite contritely and went over my x-rays and tested my reflexes and said that I have considerable degeneration in my neck, leading to osteoporosis, and then said I was in the beginning stages of flat-back syndrome. This is what we've suspected all along.

So he left and I waited to see the surgeon himself, trying to cool down, stop crying, quell my already enraged ego response to this cocky medical student.

When the doctor came in he gave his student crap immediately as the student referred to my rods as "Hannigan" rods again, and he actually said "they are HARRINGTON rods, get it right!" to the student. I was shocked he gave his student crap in front of myself and my husband.

He talked turkey, which isn't always effective with an extraordinarily sensitive Pisces, but I listened and responded and the conclusion left me bawling like a baby. In fact I still feel so very blue, yes I'm having something of a pity party right now.

I am being scheduled for an MRI to get a better look at everything other than the bones themselves, and I am being scheduled for a cortisone shot in my lower back, as well as regular Marcaine shots (Marcaine is like Novocaine, it is a local anesthetic) into the affected area. I have something he called Facets Disease, which basically means that the bones that jut out of each vertebrae are grinding together, due to the stress my Harrington rods are putting on my lower back, and this is why I am in abject pain when I try to walk.

This image shows the Facets (which are the bulgy parts attached to the discs), the left image shows how your spine looks when bending forwards, the right image shows the spine bending backwards. Apparently because of the pressure my spinal fusions has put on my lower back, my facets have been grinding together for 23 years, and now I can only walk stooped forwards, as the picture on the left shows. My facets are swollen, degenerative, arthritic and causing the bulk of my pain he said. 

Eventually this area will be surgically fused to stop the facets from touching, but for now, in the next year or two, the outcome is this: Stop walking.

I sobbed. I never in a million years thought a surgeon would say these words to me. He suggested I get a walker and use it in my every day travels, but avoid walking where possible. He said to never try to maintain good or proper posture, as it is impossible for my spine to allow for this, so the stooped over way I stand and walk is what he wants me to keep doing. That blew my mind. And after I have the MRI and have another visit to him we will talk the next steps.

The next steps are basically this: Surgery. He wants to fuse the L1-L5 vertebrae together to stop them from causing friction upon one another and slow the deterioration. I already have advanced arthritis in my spine, the bulk of it there in the lower discs, as well as a steady movement towards osteoporosis in my neck - nothing can be done about that aside from yet more surgery to fuse the discs in place.

So I'm looking at a life of using a walker, which is honestly embarrassing to me, to go anywhere that requires me to take more than 20 steps at a time. I am looking at surgery again, on my back, which is honestly terrifying to me, I've had this done before, and I am not 16 anymore... recovery time absolutely makes me shake in anxiety and fear. And for now he actually encourages me to remain bed-ridden, with bad posture, and to avoid sitting, and standing as much as possible.

In a way its a load off my mind, because now I have a diagnosis, and I know what's been causing me this pain. I know that it's not all in my head, and that something can be done eventually, but the getting there scares me. I have to quit smoking first of all, he insists I be smoke free for a year before he'll even consider surgery, which I can handle. I told him I'd quit today if it would give me my mobility back. And I have some very low impact stretching exercises to do while laying in bed, which I can handle. But the waiting is going to kill me. I have no idea how long I'll be waiting for injections, for an MRI, for my follow up appointment. All of these variables that i have no control over...

And my crystal child came up to me about 20 minutes ago and said "Mommy just be like Max (our dog) and live in the moment. Don't worry about the future or the past, just be right here right now". She truly is my angel.

On a positive note, my husband talked to me so sweetly on the drive home from Toronto, and even broke down telling me how special I am to him and our child, and how they'll support me through anything.

So I guess if I have to start using a walker, I should see the blessing that at least maybe I'll be able to walk through a store with my child to buy her something she needs, without needing to stop every 10 steps to realign my back.

I know there are blessings here, I am just so numb right now. So shocked, and disheartened. I knew I wouldn't walk out of there with a quick fix, but to know that through the years my back is only going to continue to degenerate worse, and eventually I'll have that full out osteoporosis swooping neck which puts my chin on my chest... it's hard to take.

I'm scared. I don't know how else to convey it. I believe everything happens for a reason, but I'm just so scared right now. I don't want to be crippled for the rest of my life, but it looks like a possibility. And that just makes me think of everything I can't do with and for my child and husband, and that just makes me feel like a terrible failure.

Sorry to post such a downer of an entry, I truly am, but I committed myself to being honest when I began this blog adventure, and I can't be more honest than this.

I'm sure I'll see the silver lining in time, I always am able to see through the turmoil of my own fear and emotions and I know the wisdom of this will shine through. But in this moment I am petrified, and feeling very very sad.