Monday, August 24, 2015

Awakening & Depression: Deep Feelings Can Drain You

A lovely woman I barely know is falling apart right now in her life, due to depression, and I feel helpless, as I know what it's like, I have depression too. I tried to reach out to her through Facebook and managed to get into an argument with women on her friends list who were spouting the usual Susie Sunshine B.S. "it's mind over matter" and "tomorrow is a new day!"

That kind of tripe just rankles my nerves. After a solid 30+ years of hearing it from everyone and their uncle I can say with a fair degree of certainty that putting a goofy smile on my face and thinking about babies cavorting in swimming pools isn't going to right the chemical imbalance going on in my brain and body.

So many people just don't get depression, and instead of taking a moment to try to enlighten I rather snapped and flung some mud right along with them. Stupidity and internet use are not always fair companions late at night.

That being said, I do feel like depression is one of those last taboo things we don't really talk about. I mean we are all tongue in cheek support and love when a celebrity like Robin Williams kills himself, and for a while there is an outpouring of posts about mental illness, and for a moment you don't feel so isolated. But at the end of the day, depression is one of those pesky conditions that really can only be felt from the inside of the one who has it. We all have differing degrees of depression, triggers, cycles, and biochemical rhythms. There is no cookie cutter mold for what a depressed person looks or sounds like.

We come in all shapes, sizes, and walks of life.

As I go through my personal journey of self awareness and awakening, my depression seems to come in greater fits and starts. I can go longer between bad bouts, but when it hits I feel like crawling into a deep dark cave somewhere and just sleeping for a decade or three. I understand that there is no shame in having mental illness. My life experiences in childhood are what caused me to develop PTSD, panic, depression and the like. I no longer live in the environment that caused these parts of me to develop fear impulses far exceeding the norm, yet my fight or flee impulses are mad sometimes.

What I am finding more and more is that the closer I come to accepting myself fully and wholly for who I am, schisms and all, the deeper my insight into myself goes. And it's a little frightening to be honest.

I try to be very honest with myself, about my ego, my agendas in life, my drama, how I create my reality. I am very hard on myself much of the time, expecting more of myself than I would any other human. And I work damn hard at maintaining a level of receptive open mindedness about who I am, as I really truly desire to free myself of all the false persona bullsh*t that keeps human beings mired in their own muck.

But the deeper I go, the crazier I feel I am... I begin to understand myself on levels previously unexplored, and then I see myself in a whole new light, and it feels like I've been exposed for all the world to see, naked, and the shock and shame fairly bowl me over. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life living in shame of things I did so long ago... simply because I can't quite figure out how to just forgive and let it go.

Part of PTSD is that it is almost impossible to let go... I can go through a deeply moving and meaningful healing exercise, end up having a cathartic release, and feel liberated, only to later down the road have a panic attack where it all wells up again quite unexpectedly. And with PTSD it's all in the moment, now, current, there is no expiration date on shock and sorrow.

So I'm at a cross roads in my journey right now. I have been for quite a while. I tried to deny it at first, unwittingly, but as I'm always digging deeper trying to be authentic, it became clear to me I was trying to hold on to a previous image of myself, for fear of feeling lost. So I have let that previous image go; completely. My whole existence was wrapped up there for a good 10-15 years, on being Dee the Spiritual coach and reader, healer, and guide. I loved it, I learned so much from my clients, my connections, my journey. But I hit a dead end a while back. A long while back. And instead of turning around, I stayed there, in confusion. For a couple of years.

So finally I have just decided to be Dee the woman. An empty canvass. See what bubbles up from within. And I'm waiting for inspiration, or some sign, or meditative epiphany.

And then I wonder "is this a midlife crisis?"

I vow no matter who or what I become or mutate into or away from, to continue to keep working on awakening to the truths in this world. We have been living in an imposed dreamscape/nightmare for decades in North America, and every fiber within my being says the world is in need of awake and alert people at this time, to help begin to instill changes into all our systems of governance, finance, military, health, education and every other conceivable level of society and culture. And to do that we have to be able to look into the mirror and recognize who we are, and who we're not.

But it's a painful process sometimes. Exposure to the darker side of our world can be scary, and when you realize we really don't have any true liberties it's downright horrifying.

But that's what this journey is about; waking up to the truth of who we Are, not who we've been programmed to be, so that we can find our sovereignty, and let that core spark of peace and light within each of us bond us together in unity as we begin to rebuild what is so quickly and forcefully being torn down around us.

In order for things to change, they have to fall apart first. And that's not always going to feel great.

So if you`re depressed, or anxious, or scared or angry, please know you`re not alone. We are gathering in greater numbers. Conspiracy theories be damned; this is about our lives, our childrens` futures, the planet itself, life, and nature.

So stick around. I`m going to start writing here again, as it just feels like the right time to do so. And I promise to throw in some useful soul food along the way to help us all ease into these shifts as they happen at increasing rapid fire speed.

Just keep breathing - in and out - in this moment. We`re in this together.


  1. Sincerest Gratitude ....
    I am not alone....♡

  2. Keep writing, there ad things you are writing that I could simply copy & paste to my own diary...thank you...I am not totally crazy (lol) or alone

  3. Keep writing, there ad things you are writing that I could simply copy & paste to my own diary...thank you...I am not totally crazy (lol) or alone


Your feedback is always welcome; please be constructive