Epiphany & Understanding

I have felt so much pain in my life. I have experienced rejections and abandonment's, hurts and betrayals. I have been left stupefied with my jaw hanging open at the cruel words or actions of someone I trusted. I have been knocked down, devalued, and degraded.


And I have forgiven every time. It is not in my nature to hold on to a grudge, it serves no one, it only festers within and creates discord and creates more negativity. 


But have I forgiven myself? This is where I am today; looking in to the vast darkness of my psyche, asking "why do you not forgive YOU?" 


I have taken the personal pain of these hurts, and these betrayals, and I have held myself responsible for them; assuming I deserved them on some level. Holding myself accountable for others' negative outlooks on me. 


Today I awoke melancholy, a dream of epic proportions dropped knowledge on my lap and now I am sitting here looking at a big pile of old pain, tears streaming down my face as I realize the magnitude of this moment. I am blessed, and I feel nothing but gratitude as I remember these pains, these hurts I received, and I remember how ardently I worked towards healing with these people who hurt me. I climbed mountains to right those wrongs, to create peace and understanding.


And yet I have held on to pain within me, as though I should wear it, as though it should be my punishment apparel. 


Today I sit quietly with this new understanding of myself. I gently look at myself from the perspective of Soul, and I see a woman who literally gives until it hurts, to accommodate everyone around her. 


I am filled with quiet gratitude. To recognize this is sublime.