My Will

Tomorrow morning I go into the hospital for my next spinal surgery, and as usual I am feeling very introspective today, as the magnitude of what lays before me fills me with trepidation, and a mixture of hope and fear.

I have had two spinal surgeries already, and this one comes only 7 months after the last due to complications and unforeseen spinal breakages. Seven months ago I felt much the way I do this morning, yet I was also full of optimism and didn't for a moment imagine something would go "wrong" with the surgery, and had someone told me I would end up back in the OR a half a year later I would have re-examined my choices before committing to anything.

This has been a very difficult year for me, for my husband, and for our daughter. And so I feel less optimistic today, as I realize just how hard this process is going to be. I know what to expect now, and in a way this robs me of the idyllic uncertainty I had before the last operation. I feel weighed down by the reality of what lays before me.

Tomorrow morning I will go under, and when I wake up some 8 hours later my arms may not work, due to the damage my brachial plexus nerves suffered last time. And even if this injury doesn't recur, the road to recovery will be long and fraught with difficulty. The knowledge that so many things could go wrong weighs me down, and I am battling panic today and wish to state a few things in order to make my will truly known.

I share this in order to be clear with the Universe, and with my family and friends, because I know I will wake up, and there will be a lot of emotional upheaval ahead of me as I begin to do it all over again.

So without further ado, these are things I will; my legacy as it were, a living legacy of love and gratitude.

It is my will that my daughter know just how proud I am of her, and have always been. She is a miracle and came into my life against all odds. And yet she made no bones about her place in my life and my heart, as she never for a moment doubted where she belonged. She is the most amazing person I have ever met; she faces life with the perilous legacy of neurological misfiring her mother has left her, in the form of panic attacks, and yet she is the strongest person I know. The depth of compassion, understanding, and wisdom within her blows me away on a regular basis; had I possessed even an iota of her grace and dignity at the age of 13 I would have been a very different child myself.

Renee is my legacy to the world; she is a reflection of all of the best parts of her mother, as well as the most vulnerable aspects. The love I feel for her is not simply that of mother for a child; she is my favourite person in all of reality and were she not my child I would still be drawn to her simply by virtue of her amazing sense of humour. When I cause a smile to bloom across that beautiful face I feel honoured; it is my privilege to be able to cause her any amount of happiness.

It is my will that people understand just how strong my daughter is, and yet to also understand just how much she takes on as she attempts to please everyone in her life. She will always take the higher road, and hold pain within her quietly and resolutely, rather than cause anyone else pain or displeasure; she is a true giver, and I wish she would sometimes exhibit a little more teenage selfishness, as she spends so much time making sure everyone around her is happy and satisfied.

Mostly, it is my will that Renée never for a moment doubt how much her mother adores her, respects her, and enjoys her. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself as a mother; she blessed my life in ways I could never have expected or hoped for. I look forward to the future with this woman child; as she blossoms and grows, so does she teach me more about how to be a better person by comparison.

It is my will that my husband know that even though life has been difficult, and we've had more than our share of bad luck as a couple, those vows we took together are inviolate to me; I would never forsake the promises we made one another. I do love you, and honour you, and I promise that I will come back to you, stronger, ready to start another new chapter in our lives, as I reclaim spinal health, and fight the bloody hard battle to regain my mobility.

It is my will that Eric knows just how remarkable he is; for he spends a lot of time living up to my lofty expectations, and as often happens in a marriage we tend to focus on what needs fixing, rather than what ain't broke. There is so much which isn't broke Eric; you are the most generous, giving man, providing for your family in good times and in bad; don't doubt for a moment how appreciated and valued you are. I leave you my promise that I will be home soon, and this will be in our rear view soon, and in due time we will face our next struggle as man and wife; and as always we will face it as a team, hands entwined, certain of nothing save the love we have for one another.

Above all, it is my will that my husband know and remember I respect him, adore him, value his boyish charm, as much as I do his quiet resolve.

I am blessed with a family which holds me up and gives me strength, and I owe them both so very much. It is my solemn vow to spend the rest of my life making sure they both know how valued and sacred to me they are.

And before I end this, my final post before I go into the hospital, I have one more desire and decree. It is my will that should anything happen to me, and for whatever reason I am unable to return home after all is said and done, that those who love me do everything in their power to make sure the two people who love me the most are always cared for, supported, and nurtured in the way they both deserve to be.

I hope to be home and blogging again within a few weeks. Until then, value your health, your family, your liberty, and the truth.