Whispering Spirit Within

I went into the hospital on January 22nd, quite certain all would be well, questioning nothing. I woke up with both arms paralysed, and spent the next weeks rehabilitating not just from spinal surgery, but learning to use my arms again as they slowly regained their use.

When I found out in April I had a broken vertebra, and that I would require another spinal surgery I was desolate; I sank into a depression, and all of the optimism I had felt the beginning of the year seemed to slip away. I went into the second surgery on July 26th without any expectations, knowing the arm paralysis could reoccur, and that since this would be a full spinal fusion that the recovery would be far more extensive.

What a mind blowing experience it has been since then; nothing could have prepared me for the months that followed the second surgery, and indeed as I sit here typing this to you, I am still learning to walk with this new body posturing. The surgery changed everything about my spine, straightening it out even more than previous scoliosis correction surgeries, and now my hips are level, after 30 years of being slightly askew, and it is like learning to walk all over again, as I find myself tripping over my own feet, shaky at the best of times on these legs which are now equal, no longer being slightly higher on one side of my body.

It's been challenging physically, with recovery, home nursing, hospital stays, bouts of pain so intense I could barely remain conscious through the worst of them. And yet none of that compared to the emotional pain I endured after the second operation; my pride was shattered. It is not easy for a woman who can be vain, to all of a sudden require a walker, and cane to simply walk to the bathroom, to take upwards of 5 minutes to walk 20 feet, to need a nurse to help with showering every morning, and a hospital bed brought into the house as I could not get in or out of a normal bed. It really shattered my perception of myself to all of a sudden be so darn helpless!

This last few months has found me adjusting as much emotionally as i have had to physically. I have two metal rods that go from the bottom of my neck, down to my pelvic wall, held in place by large screws, and I cannot bend any more. I will never again put my own socks on, and I knew that going into this surgery, but I don't think I really fully understood what that meant. I cannot open the crisper or bottom shelf of my fridge, and if I drop something on the floor I've had to learn to be creative, by using my feet, and my cane, and i'm certain anyone watching me would be unsure whether to laugh or cry at the pathetic show before them! But I've learned perseverance, and though my pride has taken some mighty blows, I've come to realize a few extremely important things about myself, and my life.

You see, the human body is fragile and while it can endure a lot of strain and pain, it has it's breaking points, and when the body starts rebelling against the sheer force of gravity, and legs give out, or a bladder cannot control itself, or a reaction to strong medication creates new levels of illness, it can feel like a tremendous weight on top of you. You feel weak, and useless, and eventually can slip into a depression. And yet, the spirit is stronger than the physical body is, and eventually something within you overcomes the depression and says "hey, knock it off, you're still alive!" and then everything slowly comes into perspective.

That perspective began to clarify itself to me around the time I was diagnosed with spinal fluid on the brain. Yes, another wonderful medical crisis that had me in the hospital having tests, being poked and prodded, and I found myself laughing at the lunacy of it all! What else could I do? I've been through so many humiliating experiences this year, and have had to rely upon the kindness of nurses and doctors and orderlies and interns, and indeed I've lived in this body at it's weakest points, and slipped into self pity and an empty sense of pointlessness. But the spirit within me, the truest part of who I Am has quietly whispered to me all along, and when I was finally able to get out of my own way long enough to simply listen, the message was clear; this isn't the end of the world.

And it truly isn't. I have learned new levels of humour and laughter, as my monkey toes astound my family when I drop something, and can skilfully pick it up with these silly feet of mine. If I can't reach something, my cane works wonderfully! So I've become accustomed to using my cane as an extension of my arm, using it to do everything from turning on lights, to shutting the car door. And though pain still plagues me daily, and my body is still rebelling against this new posture and instrumentation, my spirit is strong, and I can laugh at myself, and in this way I know nothing will ever break me. Never again.

I have come to realize that adversity is not my enemy; my fear of it is. And if I don't fear roadblocks and setbacks then I am far better equipped to deal with them. It's been one heck of a year for me, and the road ahead of me is long and leads to an uncertain destination. But I am able to stand up, and walk, albeit slowly, and my arms work, and I can laugh at myself. And for these things I am grateful.

My body may fall apart completely one day, and I may end up in a wheel chair full time, relying upon others for every function I have, and yet I will still have the one in-diminishable thing which I have come to realize is more valuable than any part of my body; my spirit.

So I am ready to face whatever tomorrow brings. It's one thing to have faith in the Universe, and the "external" as it were, but when one realizes that the divine spirit within is all they truly need, there is this sense of liberation that takes place...

I am free so long as I keep my perspective in this regard. When the mind chatters so loudly that you feel overwhelmed and put upon, and downright defeated, listen to the quiet whisper that is beyond that mind babble - your spirit, it speaks gentle, and often giggles, because it takes nothing serious. There is nothing so serious to your spirit, because spirit knows, it's all temporary, and it's all experiential.

So I'm experiencing disability, and pain, and limitations, and I can softly giggle all the while. Because I am not my body, I am just residing within it, for a while.