The Bonds of Judgment

Human beings are polarity infused beings from the core of our psyche - everything we see, and encounter on a daily basis is run through our internal filters and judged as either "good" or "bad", "safe" or "unsafe" etc. This is a normal function of the Human mind, as our ability to judge the duality in our life helps us make good choices, as well as assists us in assessing the world around us.

However, as a species we are also constantly judging other people; much of the time this is pointless egocentric behavior which we use to build ourselves up by tearing the other down. We learn this behavior very early on in our lives, on the playground and in the school room. As we mature and grow we continue to use this judgment of others as a tool to pad our own sense of self while comparing ourselves to others in a very polarized way. A lot of this judgment takes place on an unconscious level as it is so deeply ingrained within our behaviors that we aren't consciously aware that we are doing it. But we are doing it; all of us, as we continue to judge one another based on body type, skin color, clothing, socio-economic standing etc. The media plays into these judgments by continually bombarding us with concepts of "right" and "wrong" through advertising and television and big screen cinema.

Some people naturally have an ability to ignore the judgments others make of them, and I commend these people as they must know innately that the only opinion that matters is their own. However, many of us fall victim to feeling affected by how others judge us, and I have found through the years that most empaths are extremely sensitive to how others perceive and judge them.

As a lifelong people-pleaser, I have always been extremely attuned to how I perceive myself to be judged by others, and have always tried to go the extra mile with people who seem incapable of seeing me in a positive light. I have never reacted well to being misjudged or held in a negative light, and for many years I wondered why it would bother me so much if someone else saw me in a way which wasn't true of who I actually am. And as you know, the Universe will continue to give us ample opportunity to learn about the things we just can't figure out; so in my life I've dealt with a lot of judgment as I have never been able to rise above the petty or misguided understandings people have towards me.

It has actually made me so angry in my life to be misjudged by others; when someone insists upon seeing me through their own filter of egotistical self-righteousness instead of seeing me for who I am I tend to feel very anxious and angry! I present myself to the world as I am, I don't put on airs or pretend to be someone I am not, with me what you see is truly what you get. And yet there are some people in life who insist upon seeing me in a completely different way.

Recently I've had another opportunity to experience the inequity of someone elses negative judgment of myself, and this time it really served as an epiphany; by George I think I'm finally getting it.

I experienced someone judging me to suit their own need to feel victimized by me. My brother in law has not gotten along with his brother, my husband, since we met 9 years ago. For many years I held myself responsible for the gap in their relationship, as I knew that my husbands brother didn't like me, and assumed this was enough for them to be at odds. Of course, I let my brother in law's judgments of me make me feel lesser, guilty, and as though I should be doing more, being better, living up to his expectations. But circumstances in the last week made it crystal clear to me that this man has never once attempted to really know me for who I am - I was judged the first moment he looked at me, and I never stood a chance with him from that point on.

No matter what I may have attempted or done in the last decade, this man has built up his own vision of who he believes I am, so no amount of effort on my part will change his mind. And for a long time I tried to accept this. But now I have a renewed sense of self-awareness, and I realize that his opinion of me is truly none of my business.

I am none of what he accuses me of being, and each time I tried to evidence that to him he became angrier, and more sure of my evil nature, and my ruining his relationship with his brother. Each time I have tried to tell him that it was never my intention for him and his brother to become estranged, he becomes more certain that I have plotted to do so all along. It is quite comical really, when I take myself out of the equation and look at it from an unbiased third party position; this man has accused me of stealing his brother from him, and yet he can't see how his negative judgments of me have been what has pushed his brother out of his life.

So when someone chooses to judge you and believe you are someone you are not, are you responsible to change their mind? Of course not.

The only opinion that matters is that of yourself, and I see that so clearly now. The people who really know me know who I am to the core of my heart, and the fact that they see me clearly for who I am gives me peace of mind; and yet it doesn't define me.

No one else's opinion of me can define me, unless I allow myself to feel insecure towards their perception.

So I am thankful to my brother in law for hating me so fully; he hates a figment of his imagination. It isn't me, and never was me that he disliked, because he never gave himself the chance to really know me. It is a load off my heart to know that the person he blames for ruining his fraternal relationship isn't real. It frees me from feelings of guilt and obligation to know that I have never been the issue in the rift between these two men; I was a good point of contention in a relationship which my husband assures me was troubled before I even came into his life.

So when you feel judged by someone else, rather than pay attention to their judgment of you, pay attention to your response to that judgment. If you feel the need to fight the judgment and alter the others perception of yourself, ask yourself why? I have done a lot of this in the last few days, and come to the conclusion that it was my ego needing to assert itself to this man, my heart and soul knows who I am, and is at peace with myself. But my ego is a bear and wanted to claw him with my words until he realized how wrong he is about me.

But he isn't wrong; in his mind and understanding I am all of the horrible things he thinks I am. And until he sees me for who I am, instead of who he chooses to believe I am, I will be all of those horrible things he has accused me of - to him. But his opinion and judgment does not touch my life unless I let it. And I am not responsible for fixing his faulty perception; I am only accountable for who I am being, and how I myself am perceiving others.

So I let it go. And I forgive him for his need to blame others for his failed relationships. And I forgive myself for ever feeling that I needed to try to be more acceptable to him.

His brother is the one who loves me, who took vows with me on our wedding day; it is his brother who sees me clearly, and that is what love is.

I can't recall who said it, but it is an apt statement to end this entry with: "other people's opinions of me are none of my business."