Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Hole in the Road


It has been some time since my last blog entry; I must admit I had considered giving it up as I felt I had reached a wall. However the urge to write hits again and here I am, comfortably manifesting thought into written word as though nary a day has passed. Comfort; there is a soothing quality in familiarity that the human spirit yearns for. Perhaps it is why we choose the safe road more often than not, and opt to remain rooted in our every day repetitive lifestyles. If life is but a dream please don't wake me, I am content within my slumber.

I am two days away from my spinal revision surgery, which I've talked about elsewhere here with regards to my spinal diseases. I have waited over four years for this big day, impatiently, and with something far reaching from grace. Yes, I have found myself resorting to complaint often enough to feel some shame at acknowledging my own lack of faith in the uniformity of the Universe. And yet, I do have faith as deep as the ocean; sometimes it's well buried beneath mountains of worry and hubris.

I have been riding a perimenopausal wave of hysteria in the last week, expecting much more of me and mine than a soft soul would; feeling the ebb and flow of anxiety wash over me like cold prickling needles. The fear has set in and I have finally looked it in the face. While I have been waiting for, and anticipating this life altering surgical procedure, I have altogether neglected looking at the whole picture. This is a critical surgery which holds the very keys to my liberty; a six to eight hour sleep on a surgical table will determine the physical outcome for the rest of my days in this body.

If all goes well, I will regain my ability to walk without crippling and deforming pain.

If all does not go well I will remain stooped, hunched, relying upon canes and walkers to move small distances. And eventually the erosion of my spinal cord will result in a wheel chair for legs.

And the pity party ensues. And it gives me great pause as I remember all I have learned in the last thirty years of this journey of conscious spiritual awakening. I am such a wonderfully foolish woman.

While flipping through the tv channels a few days ago I fell upon a PBS special by Dr. Wayne Dyer, called Wishes Fulfilled, and near the beginning he made such a powerful analogy in which he paraphrased a dearly departed friend of his; I would like to share it with you.

His friend was given five cue card sized pieces of papers, and asked to use each piece to write a short version of the five chapters of her life. Her creation was beautiful. On the first paper she wrote:

Chapter 1I walked down the road, never saw what was coming and fell into a hole. I was angry, bitter and blaming. It took me a long time to get out.


Chapter 2: I walked down the road, I a saw the hole, I fell in. I was angry. How could anyone leave a whole this size here? How come they did not fix it? Why don’t they have it blocked off  . . . It took me a long time to get out.


Chapter 3I walked down the road, I saw the hole and I fell in any way. This time I knew it was of my making. This time it took very little time for me to get out.


Chapter 4I walked down the road. I saw the hole. This time I walked around the hole and continued on down the road.


Chapter 5I walked down a new road.


Don't we all do this? Rather than learn from our mistakes, we punish ourselves for them, and yet end up repeating them in some context or another. It is human nature, we simply have a very difficult time putting a stop to damaging cycles in our behaviours and thought processes, and we battle victimization and pity rather than seeing the blessing in learning from negativity.

Fear has taught me so many wonderful lessons in my life; and if you're a regular reader of my blog you know I have weathered panic disorder for the most part of my adult life, so I have had my share of fear and worry. Yet I keep falling into the hole, even though I see it. And then I blame it on circumstance.

I am so human.

In two days I will surrender my will and my body to a man I have absolute faith in; he knows his profession and I have no doubt he will do his utmost best to repair my damaged lower spine. I will commune with Spirit and the Mother (I am not comfortable with "god", I talk to the life energy in the Universe, and I call her Mother, as I am more at home in the vision of an omnipotent maternal being who would hold me to her bosom in warmth and nurturing) and put my will to rest for a spell. And then I will awaken, sore, groggy, displaced, and alive.

If you may, please spare a blessing for me on Friday. But more than this, please spare a blessing for my daughter, and my husband, who have spent so much time in this last year caring for me, helping around the house, and taking on more responsibility as my ability to move has declined. Put them in your thoughts with care and compassion, as they worry for me, and resume a normal daily life as I convalesce in the Hospital. And then send a blessing into the Universe with a simple "thank you" on my behalf, as I indeed am and will be eternally grateful for the blessings in my life.

I am glad to return to this endeavour  I do hope you will enjoy this journey with me as it continues onwards, ever onwards.

With all my humility and ever-present love,


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