Parenting In the "New Age": Spiritually Sovereign Kids

I look back to when I was pregnant with my daughter 15 years ago, and I have to gently laugh as I remember my expectations back then, my hopes and aspirations for my unborn child. I had a couple of very profound dreams while pregnant with her, and knew I was bringing a very Spiritually alert and aware being into this world. I would daydream about meditating with her, teaching her about the Chakra's, exploring the world with her as she encountered people and places for the first time. I did not for one moment imagine my child would be any different than I was.

As most parents realize as their child begins to talk and walk, I tried to encourage her to participate in her world of imagination, always telling her stories about angels, and fairies, and unseen worlds. In the first five years of her life, she was indeed very connected, and would make very profound statements about angels, people, fairies etc. One day while driving in the car, on a sunny day, she said from her baby seat in the back "Mommy do you see it? It's so pretty!!" and I asked "What honey? What do you see?" I looked in the rear view mirror at her and she was staring out the window, up into the sky, and I thought maybe she saw a plane, as we were near the Toronto International airport. But her response left me speechless; she said "The sun mommy! It has ribbons of light that come down into every persons heart filling them with love!"

This was the type of child she was in the first few years of her life, and I was so eager to continue to nurture and nourish her spirituality as she grew.

So a couple of years ago when she announced to her dad and I that "I'm an atheist" I didn't know how to feel or what to say. How could this child, who was created in so much love, who was so full of wonder, and magic, and so obviously a Crystal child stop believing in magick?

In truth, she's come to accept and admit she is agnostic, as she does believe in "something", but not God, not something sentient, or man made, that makes rules or punishes sinners. And this is exactly where my own beliefs are rooted. And yet I am always walkin within magick, where as my child is completely earth-bound. She does not dwell in her imagination, and at the age of 14 she is so pragmatic, scientific, and sensible. So completely opposite of me!

If someone had told me 15 years ago while I was still pregnant with her that she wouldn't share my spiritual passions I would have snorted in disbelief! How could this being, who has spent 9 months living within me, who has been a part of my soul for all eternity, not share my deeply woven spiritual hunger and passion?

But it's been 15 years, and a lot changes in a decade and a half. I am thrilled that my daughter has developed her own beliefs, and if nothing else I wish to provide her with the space, freedom, and acceptance to continue to cultivate her own beliefs.

You see, we tend to condition our children to share our own faith, which our own parents conditioned us to have. I was very lucky, and I've mentioned it before, that my own mother who was brought up Catholic, gave me the freedom to choose my own path spiritually. She allowed me to attend a Christian church when I was young, and when I walked away from the dogma of Christianity and began to explore Wicca, and Buddhism, she supported that too. In this way, I had the best roll model. My mother taught me that the truest gift we can give our kids, is the opportunity to discover their own spiritual beliefs.

Renée is very like me in so many ways; we share the same twisted dry sense of sarcastic humor, we laugh so loudly and so often together. She is deeply compassionate and a very philosophical thinker, and we can share long discussions about so many topics together. Yet when it comes to my Spiritual beliefs and values, I tend to not "bother" her with them. I know she believes very similarly to me, yet expresses her belief in a very intimate and private way. Where as her mom is public in her Paganism, and blogs about it, and reads Tarot cards for a living, for herself spirituality is a private sanctum within her. One she needn't talk about or examine. And I respect that.

I think this is an important gift any parent can give their own child; the freedom to explore, and discern on their own what feels right to them as individuals with their own minds. When we believe very strongly in something, we tend to indoctrinate our children with it, never really wondering if this is what they would choose for themselves if given the opportunity. Yet how different their beliefs and convictions would be if they came to them on their own, in their own time and way?

I urge all New Age Spiritualists to let their children seek God or Divinity on their own terms. Offer them perspectives, different beliefs, different ideologies, and then let them investigate and come to their own sets of ideals and conclusions. It would have been very easy for me to make Renée into a little clone of me, sharing my beliefs, but I never wanted to enforce my own ideals on her; it has always been imperative to me that I allow her to be her own person, no matter how young she was. She is my child, but she is not my creation; she is her own person, and as such I have always tried to give her the space she needs to develop her own ideas about life, love, spirit, and peace.

There are literally billions of people on this planet who have religious beliefs simply because they were not offered alternatives. Muslims are Muslims and Christians are Christians and they both are such because that is what their parents made them. Had their parents given them the freedom to find God in their own way, I can't help but think there would be far less religion on this planet, and far more Spirituality.

And remember the old cliché; if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. I think if parents do this with their children's spiritual lives they may be shocked to find their kids end up coming back to the core family values in the end with which they were raised.

Spiritual sovereignty is the greatest gift anyone can give their children - freedom is a precious gift to give! Often if you let your kids explore their own imagination, inner world, conscience and explore the world around them, you'll find them coming to know God in their own intimate way.

Love & Blessings,

A Message To The Abused, & The Abuser

I write now to not only clear my conscience and ease my troubled mind, but to reach out to those who can relate to me, to those who know what it is to be hurt and mistreated by loved ones, and to those who either knowingly or unwittingly are perpetrating pain and violations upon their own children. Innocence is the one truth we are all born with, as we take our first breath on this planet, we rely upon grownups to nurture and care for us, and our first years are spent relying upon our parents, and our family to provide us with the basic needs and foundation for a healthy balanced life. When I posted yesterday about the memory of a molestation in my childhood, I did so to get it out, because the memory was sudden, vivid, and so very painful. But I need you to understand that this one painful act of betrayal was not the only act of cruelty I experienced as a child. I was a ward of the courts in my first four years, was in various foster homes, and was eventually adopted at age four by a couple who were related to my birth mother. My first few years with them was blissful, and a great deal of healing was done as they pampered me, lavished me with love, care, and compassion. Had it not been for those first years of adopted life, I may have fractured mentally, and become someone completely different than who I am today. Yet, as life went on, and the pressures in my parents life became more vivid to them, they both found comfort in the bottle; and my blissful life slowly transformed into a thing of fear and pain. Growing up in a world transformed by addiction, and alcoholism was volatile at best; anyone who grew up with alcoholics knows well how you walk on egg shells, fear the night and what may come, and learn to protect yourself by whatever means possible. For me, I learned to become introverted at home, to hide in my room, to surround myself in music, writing, and the arts. And where others bore it quietly, I never could, and would talk to friends, reaching out again and again, and yet never finding solace. I know my parents never meant to intentionally hurt me, yet the pain created scars I carry to this day. And I beseech you, reading this now, if you are struggling with alcoholism, depression, or addiction on any level, and it is affecting your children, please stop hiding, and get help. Because while you may think you are only hurting yourself, I assure you - you are dead wrong. Children are very sensitive to their parents needs, fears, and insecurities, and while the addict often gets to sleep away the trauma of the night previous, the child wakes up with full recall, and adds another psychic scar to the collection. And that collection  never dulls, never eases, and never allows the child to grow into a fully secure adult themselves. And in this way, the cycle of abuse is ongoing. While I myself do not drink or abuse drugs, I am honest about my depression, and panic disorder, which I have passed down to my beautiful little girl. She is now 14, and has depression and anxiety which rightfully are not hers to bear. And yet, she has always been sensitive to her mother, and unwittingly along the years, I exposed her to too much of my own pain, insecurity, and uncertainty; on some level she absorbed my self doubts, my fears, and they became her own. How do I tell her that these feelings she now struggles with truly are not her own to be burdened by? I simply cannot; she will not understand that by virtue of living with an emotionally raw role model, she learned how to internalize, and punish herself exactly the way her mommy did. She has never been abused, mistreated, or violated in the ways her mom has; and yet she lives with the same pain and sense of loss, and the only way I can explain it is to say that we are so close, so completely entwined via our hearts and souls, that she absorbed my pain at a very young age. If I had known, all those years when I thought she was fast asleep, and I cried quietly to myself or my husband, about things I could not let go of... I never wanted to leave her with this painful legacy. Depression is something I grew up feeling ashamed about. I was identified as depressed in my early teens, forced into psychiatric care, medicated, and labeled. And that was that, those who felt responsible washed their hands, feeling what I suffered was chemical and therefore no-ones fault. Everyone around me put me at arms length, and I learned to struggle quietly, because when I spoke about it I would ultimately end up feeling alienated from the very people I needed to accept and love me. They had caused so much of my turmoil and disconnection from strength, and sovereignty, and on a deep level they knew it, and yet it was just easier I guess, to put me into a program, and tell themselves they were doing all they could. But I am telling you, at the age of 42, I have not healed from those childhood traumas I lived through. I could recount tales of horror, the worst nights of my life, the words that were said that could never be unsaid, the physical abuse, the emotional acts of terrorism... but what would be the point? I relive it often enough in my psyche, in my dreams. And in this way, the victim often continues to victimize themselves, as they cannot find a healthy outlet for all the hurts they accrued growing up. So while you think your children will grow up and forget whatever it is they are experiencing right now, I am here to tell you that no - they will never forget. I have forgiven my parents, and anyone who has ever hurt me. It is easy to forgive, I have no trouble with forgiveness, it is as much for me that I am able to forgive as for those who have violated my innocence and trust. But forgetting is something I've never been able to accomplish. And that is where conditions like depression, panic disorder, and post traumatic stress come into play. If you have a problem, please stop making excuses, and letting your foolish pride convince you that you're doing okay, because you know deep within you that you are not. Get help, now, not tomorrow, or next week, but now, because it isn't your own happiness you are diminishing, but the happiness of the people you love the most on this planet; your children. Sure, you don't mean to hurt them, but good intentions are not equivalent to good behavior, and you know that too many times, you've allowed your own drama become their trauma. So please, for the love of your children's innocence; get help. If you have been abused, in any way, by anyone in your life, please know that it was not your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve abuse; no one on this planet deserves to be hurt, mistreated, or violated. And if you are an abuser, an alcoholic, an addict, and your pain is becoming your children's pain, then I beg of you, start putting their needs ahead of your own and get help, talk to someone, seek a solution. Because you do not have to keep living in this cycle of blame, pain, hiding, and excuses. It won't get any better until you decide to put an end to it, and in this way you have the power to transform your painful reality into a promise of something better for your children. For long after you take your last breath on this planet, they will still be here, trying to make sense of their own feelings, and trying to pick up the pieces of their own fractured childhood. There are only two absolute truths in this life; Fear, and Love. We are always operating from a place of one, or the other. When fear is in charge, pain is prevalent, abundant, and multiplies virulently. The only answer to fear is love; love is the only means we have of absolving our past transgressions, and cleansing the unclean places we hold so tightly within. Choose love, for your children, for yourself, it is truly what you deserve now. No matter how unworthy you may feel, love is what you were born to feel, experience, receive, and be. No matter who taught you to feel otherwise in your past, you must know that now, in this moment, you have the power to be strong, and do the right thing; do what love would do. If you are uncertain as to who to turn to, call your local church, or social services department, and ask to be put in touch with a counselor, or support group. Make the first step, it's the hardest, but I promise you, each step you take after that first one will be easier. Forgiveness begins within, please forgive yourself, so that your children can grow up with some semblance of security, stability, and pride in their parents.  

Abuse: Healing Through Honest Acceptance

I will begin this post with something of a disclaimer, or a warning; the following post will be personal, intimate, painful, and raw. If you are not in a good place energetically, I suggest you stop here.

I am about to share with you a part of me, my childhood, and my life, which is the hardest thing to share, and though I will not go into details, or even name names, it is going to be hard for me to write, and I can only guess how difficult it may be for you to read.

When I was younger, in my teens, I began to drink, and do drugs, as my home life was unbearable. I was growing up in an alcoholic environment, and there was abuse which taught me to run away, avoid, always be one step ahead of calamity. I drank heavily into my mid twenties, until i no longer desired that kind of life, and stopped. Full stop.

And I knew depression, heavy and deep depression, all encompassing pain which would well up inside of me, and bring me to my knees. Every year in the fall I would become sullen, empty, and eventually learned about seasonal depression, and this "explained" my depression.

I knew, from an early age, that somewhere in my past there had been a moment, in which my innocence had been violently stripped from me. I was not sure where it originated, or by whom, but I always knew, somewhere between foster care, adoption, and a life of so little control as a young girl, that someone had violated my innocence and taken something very dear, and indeed sacred to me.

I went through my life avoiding and running away from adversity, and I learned to use food, drugs, and alcohol to numb my pain. Though I eventually turned away from drinking and drugs, food remained my addiction, my source of comfort. I have lived with this addiction since i was about 9 or 10 years old. And now I completely understand why.

I understand everything now; in looking back with true clarity for the first time today, I see how my life all hinged on the axis of this one particular night, when I was so young, when someone who I trusted, who should have been my protector, turned into my molester. One autumn night, timing, and poor choices led to someone I trust hurting me in a way no child ever deserves to be hurt.

The next day, this person knew I was sad, confused, feeling shamed and raw, and they took me to McDonald's to cheer me up. And this was the day I learned how to use food to sooth myself.

I received my level 1 Reiki certification yesterday, and have been performing self-healing on myself for about a week or two now. I knew on some deep level within me that allowing this powerful healing into myself was going to open certain floodgates; memories I have never felt ready for were going to surface. And yet, the faith I have within me was sure that all would happen in it's perfection, and I would be ready.

Today I woke up feeling ill, and supposed it was just another fibromyalgia day. How many days have I lost to the phantom flu-like symptoms of this nervous system disorder? I was prepared to be rendered fairly inadequate for the day, so I showered, took my medication and went to lay down again. And my mind was going back down certain lanes of my memory which I did not feel good about. Any time my mind has traveled those paths, I have fought it, and changed my thoughts, and decided consciously just not to "go there". And it's happened often enough in my life, where I have begun to connect to those memories, and those pains, and have decided that I was not ready, and so closed myself off from it completely.

Yet today, I knew I had to go with it. I said "i am not ready" and yet knew, I could no longer fight my history.

You see, something horrible happened to me when I was too young to know how horrible it truly was, and the next few decades of my life were spent in a cliche attempt to forget, numb the pain, disassociate from it, and try to be happy. But ignoring the past does not change it.

I opened myself to Reiki as I lay in bed, and began to work with my hands, and my chakra's, and began to have flashes of my childhood, good ones, and then confusing ones, and I knew... I knew it was coming, brimming so close to the surface, and so I finally surrendered.

And I remembered. Somebody I loved, indeed still do love very much, made a very selfish and stupid decision, and changed the course of both of our futures that night. This person did something vile to someone who they had sworn to protect, and cherish, and then instead of trying to make the situation right, they did what so many people often do when they disappoint themselves; they fell into a pattern of abuse, neglect, and anger. This person became a heavy drinker, and never let me feel safe around them again. This person transformed over the following years, going from my Knight in shining armor, to my greatest fear; this person punished me, every day from that point on, for their mistake.

I am forty-two years old, remembering a poignantly painful thing which happened over thirty years ago, and in looking back I can now, for the first time ever in my adult life, completely understand who I have become, in light of that violation. After that night, when my innocence was shattered, I began to change, began to become rebellious, depressed, scared, and confused. I was lost. And I have been mostly lost since then. For three more decades; most of the choices I made in my life were spun on the dime of that one petty selfish act.

I continued using food to numb my pain, and learned to punish my self, and my body, for the shame I felt so deeply inside of myself. I always knew, and remembered, so close to the surface of my consciousness what had happened, and yet stuffed it down, not wanting to really truly remember, because I was afraid that if I let the memories in, I would go completely crazy. Literally.

Well I remember, and I am not crazy. I have not fallen apart today. I want you to know, that even though I have remembered who... I am alright. I spoke with my husband for a couple of hours, and he loved me unconditionally through my tears, my recollections, and we talked about now, and moving forward, and healing from this trauma. And I know I am blessed to be loved by this man, who would never hurt me, or our child, or anybody; he is gentle, and kind, and noble. I am thankful that he is in my life, especially now, at this time while this memory surfaces, because his love is a great part of what will help me heal and move on.

I forgive the person who hurt me. Truly; I know it sounds cliche, but I cannot be angry at them. That person led a very empty sad life from that night onward, and punished themselves in ways I could never, and I feel pity, and even compassion for them.

Yet a small part of me, I guess the very human part of me can't help but feel shame, as though this were somehow my fault. I know it couldn't be, I did not ask to be violated, I did not want to be hurt. Yet I can't help but feel just a small amount of guilt, which leads to feelings of being dirty, unworthy, and repugnant.

I guess anyone who has been sexually abused by a trusted adult would understand this feeling.

I know that working with Reiki energy is going to open me up to further pain that I have locked up deeply inside of myself. That's ok, I think I am finally ready at this point in my life, to withstand reliving those pains, in order to free myself. Finally.

Because to be honest, I've really done very little but punish myself since that night. I didn't realize it until today; I have done a lot of things to hurt myself, to compound that pain, because I was so young when it happened, it simply didn't make sense, I felt deeply in my heart I must have done something bad to deserve it. I know this is foolishness of course, but some part of my inner child has lived with that precise guilt for over 30 years - I must have done something horrible to deserve to be hurt in that manner, by a person who I loved so deeply.

So now that I've faced it, acknowledged it, I guess I have no choice but to start accepting it, and letting it go. I am not good at letting go; I have never been good at letting myself off the hook. I am hard on myself, and punish myself so often, never living up to my lofty expectations of myself. And yet, I know I am a good person, a kind and empathetic woman, who tries to help others in ways she has never truly tried to help herself. If I gave myself an ounce of the compassion, guidance, and love that I give my Tarot clients, my spiritual seekers... this has to be the next step; beginning to give to myself what I have with held for so long; forgiveness.

I will have to find a support group, or see a therapist, as this is something I'm going to have to work out on various levels within me. Writing it here is a beginning, a first step, yet I know this pain is so raw inside of me that i will have to administer doses of healing upon it, and if I keep it locked up within me then I am punishing myself, all over again. To hide it is to be ashamed of it, and I've been ashamed for a very long time.

But I didn't ask to be molested. No one does. And while I continued to love my abuser, and can forgive them now, aspects of my inner child need help, guidance, direction regarding how to let this go.

I am thankful to Reiki, and to all who have encouraged me to follow this path in life, I know I have to finally let go of the hurts I've held on to at a cellular level. I am ready to stop punishing myself, for someone else's very poor choice.

I think a lot of us have been violated in this way; by someone we trusted, and we have hurt ourselves because we didn't really understand that it wasn't our fault. And if you can relate to this in some way, then I urge you to do some deep introspecting, meditating, and realizing that this isn't your fault. None of us ever ask to be hurt, abused, misused, molested, beaten, mistreated.

That someone would do so to another person is a sign of their own sickness, and lack of understanding of love. To hold that pain within ourselves, and hold ourselves responsible for the actions of someone else, well it's to basically keep letting that abuse happen, again and again, and again...

Right now, in this moment, I am exhausted, yet relieved. I don't know how I will feel in five minutes, or five days, but in this moment, I am ok.

The New Age Movement; Confessions of a Recovering Dogma-holic

Like so many of us on the journey of Spirituality and awakening, I explored various religions and beliefs in my first few decades on Earth; I had a deep passionate desire to better understand the Universe, my place in it, and the "why" which connects all living things. My first foray into God territory was into the Christian church, which I freely attended as a child, until I was 16 years old. I was lucky to have been raised by parents who allowed me the space and freedom to explore Spirituality at my own pace. My mother could well be described as a recovering Cathoholic; raised in a Polish Catholic home in the middle of the 20th century, she attended Catholic school, and experienced all of the dogma attached to that particular sect. Her hands were lashed with rulers by strict nuns, she took Catechism class, performed penance and gave regular confession. When I expressed a desire at an early age to go to Christian church, she told me I was welcome to go, but asked me to always keep an open mind. She was disenchanted by the dogma she faced growing up Catholic, and she did not wish to see her daughter become bogged down by the moral rulings of others based on what she felt were antiquated scriptures, and thousand year old writings.

I eventually fell out of sync with Christianity, as I got older, and began to understand dogma in a much more personal and far less academic way. When faced with the "absolute truths" the Christian church doled out, certain aspects did not sit well within me, and when I would question authority figures in the church, such as a youth pastor named Will for example, I was chastised, and never given plausible answers to my questions.

In short, I began to understand what my mother had meant, as I was seeing so many rules within the religion itself, and yet very few people adhering to those rules Monday through Saturday.

I decided God as I wanted to understand Him had to be far superior to the God I was being taught about in church; that he would be so ingenious as to grant his creation free will, and yet so critical as to judge His children for using that free will struck me as hypocrisy. Surely, God had more depth, and was capable of far more patience and love?

I spent the next decade or so exploring less mainstream belief systems, learning what interested me about various belief systems, ranging from Mormonism, to Buddhism, always gleaning valuable aspects of each faith, and yet always finding myself standing at a remarkable impasse in the end; the wall of dogma.

The rebellious nature within me wanted to get a better understanding of Spirituality, and my creator, and it seemed that no matter what I studied or examined, there was always some absolute law, or rule that just didn't sit well in my heart and mind.

Then I discovered the New Age movement, and what a revelation it was for me!

I found books and articles about subjects like out of body experiences, astral projection, channeling, and ascension, and I felt at One with what I was learning, uncovering, and discovering. It was very much like a home-coming for me, and my twenties and thirties found me cultivating a deeper sense of Spirituality through alternative arts, the occult, and the New Age movement which was sweeping across the planet in waves of beautiful expressiveness.

For a time, a long while, I felt free. The liberation I felt within the open-minded Spirituality I was exploring was so all encompassing for me, and for the first time in my life I felt as though I had found tid-bits and portions of a Truth so great, that it had to be right!

I had been reading Tarot cards for years, as well as runes, I-Ching, and crystals, as well as performing chakra cleansing's, body energy sessions, and Shamanic Voyages, and eventually I found myself transitioning from the student, into the role of teacher. And I glorified in this new aspect of my self-aware journey of Spirituality. I spent quite a few years guiding others, providing what I still refer to as Spiritual facilitation; or counselling. I was hosting the worlds most popular website for Awakening Starseeds, and Spirit seemed to be sending so many newly awakening souls to me for guidance, affirmation and direction.

As I settled into a very comfortable life of professionally reading Tarot, and offering Spiritual guidance to those who came seeking, I experienced a deep peace within me that I had never known previously. I spent the first decade of the new millennium living my joy, walking in harmony with nature, my Spirit guides, the Universe, and those around me who were also on their own individual path of Ascension and awakening.

Then, as it always will when one becomes too comfortable, the rug was pulled out from under me.

It wasn't one particular experience which led to a disassembling of my beliefs and assuredness in those beliefs, but rather a series of events which seemed to roll into one another, like a snowball gathering momentum, growing as it picked up speed. My online communities began to become argumentative, and were regularly being infiltrated by what are commonly referred to as "trolls", and I spent so much time trying to accomodate the needs of my valued long standing members, while still offering a safe haven to new members, that I tried literally everything I could think of to maintain a democratic, open, and fair community for the thousand plus members. But a revolution was brewing, and as my dearest friends and moderators and assistants unwittingly (or wittingly, who knows?) brought about a full blown mutiny, I began to crack under pressure, and made a series of choices over a year long period (or longer) which eventually lead to the community becoming a ghost town.

I removed the Awakening Starseeds website at this time, as I felt I was being pulled in so many directions, and was feeling victimized by the drama I was feeding into myself, and my Spiritual sense of identity began to unravel, unbeknownst to me until later...

Then my father passed away, 8 years ago, and I buried myself in the things that brought me peace and contentment, as I was losing my grip on my center and state of connection to Spirit. I began to withdraw into the old books, the old channelings, all of the materials which had piqued my curiosity many years beforehand, in an attempt to reclaim the feelings which had brought me so much joy in the beginning of my own Awakening.

And the downward spiral continued.

And it wasn't until I hit Spiritual rock bottom, and took a very long and critical look in the mirror, that I realized the folly of all I had been, done, and desired.

The New Age movement began with such pure and beautiful energy, and it created unity, and drew people together in the spirit of gratitude, celebration, and kindred soul family vibrations. Yet, at some point as the movement gained momentum, it shifted, and the energy became heavier, and more 3 Dimensional. And all of the things we were trying to transcend in our desire to break apart the old paradigm, had suddenly become the tenets of the movement themselves.

The trailblazers who had begun to truly spread the messages in the late 1980's, were making millions, and falling back into denser energy, becoming wrapped up in the illusion they were creating, rather than truly growing. And I believe that many of us who were actively trying to make a cosmic shift on planet Earth by raising the vibration to a higher dimensional state of Love and Oneness became confused, and instead of staying motivated in the moment to give, heal, and help, we were creating new dogmas, new absolute rules of engagement, and our ego's were working overtime to justify it, so that we could continue to pat ourselves on the head as though everything were still on track.

But it wasn't on track. 

The New Age movement lost momentum a few years ago. 

The monthly channelling's by beings such as Michael, Raphael, and Seth began to be just the "same old same old", spouting out rhetoric, having run out of anything original or truly inspiring to say.

Only a core few of the authors and trail blazers are still publishing new books regularly, mostly thanks to Oprah and her money making spirituality machine. People like Neale Donald Walsch, and Steve Rother began to sound batty, where previously they had truly BEEN enlightened souls of pure Light energy. And while there are still innovators out there who are definitely in it to win it, and haven't lost sight of the greatest truth within their hearts, they are few and far between. The only one I bother to read any longer is Wayne Dyer. And even he is repeating himself lately.

It's all been said, and done, and a lot of money was made, a lot of fads were marketed, and a lot of new rules were created. And in the end, it's wound up becoming one of the most confusing movements this planet has likely ever seen.

Why? Because now there are literally thousands upon thousands of people saying things like "namaste" to one another, who likely don't know the Mudra one uses while using the Hindu greeting. They refer to the Elohim, as though they are Ascended beings of Light, and not ancient Angels first referenced by Hebrew scripture. They talk about some magical Starseed named Adonai, not knowing that Adonai is actually another word ancient Hebrews used to reference the Holiest of Holies.

Basically, the New Age movement saw a bunch of innovating free thinking radical Indigo children follow their intuition by deciding it was time to raise the vibration of this planet, to slough off heavy 3D patriarchal energy, in order to bring about the revolution known as the Age of Aquarius. But what it ended up becoming is a mish-mash of ancient Pagan, Druidic, Hebrew, Christian, Sumerian, and science fiction (Roddenberry) scripture, lore, and cuneiform.

If you're still holding on to the old philosophies and ideals of the movement, ask yourself why? Consider the rules it consists of now, as opposed to 27 years ago, and the people profiting from it while you buy every book you can get your hands on about manifestation, or positive thinking.

I was a New Age Dogma-holic, for a long while, until it stopped serving me; until it stopped reverberating as "right" within me. Now, I am mostly label free, as I don't know where I stand truly. In a way I feel like a person who has been in a fall out shelter for about 50 years, after the big bomb dropped, coming out to survey the land for the first time. What I see is foreign to me, nothing is familiar, all that was has fallen away, and now makes no sense. So my instincts and intuition guide me to do what humanity does when something comes to it's natural end: start fresh.

If I must label myself, I'm going to type it in big bold face and tape it to my forehead for all to see: Spiritual Rebel.

The rules we've created, about what a spiritualist must eat, think, and surround themselves with in order to Ascend to 5th Dimensional awareness and density no longer apply for me. I don't think they apply to anyone. I consider the movement a grand experiment; and the experiment is over. And guess what?

It was successful.

We have spent the better part of the last 50 years birthing a grass roots movement, which brought us together in unity, in love, in a shared desire to know ourselves on a deeper and more meaningful level. We learned how to meditate, which is a skill any sentient being really owes it to themselves to possess. We sought to understand the physics of the Universe through the laws of Attraction, Karma, and Duality on Earth. We have expanded our consciousness, and explored our Chakra's, we understand that those wheels of light that spin on our Astral body are directly related to our physical body via our glands and vascular systems, and we better understand our overall health as a result. 

And most of all, we have learned that we have free will to do as we desire, and if something ends up going in a direction we didn't anticipate or desire, we can start fresh. 

As for the rules of the New Age movement? Hit delete my friends. Refresh. Return to Go and throw the dice again. The game is ready to begin anew, each moment, each day, each breath you take. So let's let the dogma off it's chain, throw it a bone, and then gather and have a go at the next New movement together. Let's keep perfecting our community consciousness and co-creation together, and good Goddess, let's keep making mistakes together, because those have taught us so much more than any singing bowl, or moldavite pendant, or any other pretty bauble ever could.

I Love You.

The Aftermath: Birthing New Fears to Face

Today I saw my back surgeon for my 9 month post operative follow up. If you're new to my blog, and not really familiar with me, just to catch you up I have a few spinal diseases, amongst which is Scoliosis. In 1988 I had my spine fused to correct a pretty groovy "S" curvature. I had about 12 good years after that before pain returned. Over the past 14 years pain worsened, and I spent a lot of time waiting to see a specialist, then going for tests and consults.

Finally last January (2013) I had a Lumbar revision operation, basically I had worn a part of my lower spine vertebrae down to the nubs, as the discs were rubbing against each other with every step I took, so my surgeon removed my previous metal rods, and spent about 8 hours packing, shoring up, and fusing my lower spine as best as he could. There were complications, among which was a spinal fluid leak, and the temporary paralysis of both my arms for a few days post operatively (due to a Brachial Plexus nerve injury while in surgery, which to this day remains a mystery to everyone). A few months later I went in for follow up, and my surgeon immediately knew something was wrong as I was stooped forward more drastically than before my revision surgery, and the xrays evidenced a broken vertebra in the middle of my spine, at the T11 disc. In July of 2013 I went in and had all the hardware removed, and was fused from T2 (just below the neck) to my sacro iliac joints, at the pelvis.

This is what my spine looks like now

After the big surgery in July (which also took over 8 hours to carry through) I experienced some major setbacks. I ended up back in hospital a few weeks after discharge, completely incapable of moving due to the most crippling pain I had ever experienced. I spent a week in hospital, and was then sent home where I was given a hospital bed, and a daily nurse to come assist me with anything I needed help with; which was pretty much everything! Autumn of 2013 truly sucked. I spent most of it immobile and in pain, and when I did move around it was slowly, with a walker, and very unsteadily. 

I knew going into this huge surgery that it would change my life in every way, I knew in advance it would inhibit my ability to bend, and that things like putting on my own socks would be a thing of the past. When you have metal fusing your spine all the way down to your pelvic wall, the only way to bend down is via the hips, and the knees. My hips are arthritic, and so are my knees. And I just don't have the range of motion necessary to "go there", so anything shin height and lower is off limits to me. My family have been really good about picking up where I cannot, but it still has it's humiliating moments.

It's been nine months since the big surgery, and the healing process is only halfway done, as with a job this big my surgeon believes it will take upwards of two full years for all the bones to completely knit together, for the fusions to graft onto bone and become one with it. So for now my hardware is held in place by those long screws in the xray above, eventually the screws will be strengthened by my own bone as it hardens and calcifies over the rod attachments. What this means for me: I am still restricted in many ways. While I can now pick up a box of say 10 pounds weight, anything heavier could spell trouble for my spine, so I have to avoid heavy lifting. 

So based on what I've just shared, I'm sure you can imagine the state of my home at this point in time?

I used to be pretty OCD about cleaning. I enjoyed cleaning, it was a meditative time for me, where I could lose myself in the task, let my mind wander, listen to music, and give my home a sense of renewal and cleansed energy. Even as my mobility declined over the last few years due to pain, I still would have days where I would just go nuts, and spend a few hours cleaning from top to bottom, knowing I'd suffer for a few days afterwards, but feeling good just to get it done. 

Now, you wouldn't recognize my place. The tumble weeds of dust and cat hair you would first meet in the front hall are large enough to be mistaken for actual cats :) And baseboards? Never again... Gone are the days of scrubbing a floor on my hands and knees to get it to sparkle. Everything in my house from shin level down is pretty effed up. My husband and daughter do what they can, but come on, let's face it, no one will ever clean to my standards. I am a control freak in this way, and while I SO appreciate it when they clean something, or run the vacuum, or mop, a part of me deep within feels self pity, because I want to be the one doing the cleaning.

Makes me feel like a whiny little ingrate, as honestly I know my surgeon gave me a second chance at a good life, my next decade will hopefully be spent gaining strength, enjoying my legs, as I walk, knowing how close I came to spending my life in a wheel chair. And while the wheel chair may be in my future anyway, for now I am so thrilled to have this new lease on life! So when I bitch about what I cannot do, I feel guilty. Like really really guilty.

I have been aware of these feelings for months, as they started brewing long before last years surgeries; my ability to clean like a diva had been dwindling for a few years due to pain. But in the last week I've had to face a new fact head on, something I wasn't really up to recognizing, though it's been pretty plain to see I guess; I've developed a whole new set of anxieties and fears.

Anyone who knows me knows I have panic disorder, and have grappled with it head on for well over a decade now, since my child was one, and she is now fourteen. I have learned to face my fears, to expose them to the light of honesty in order to understand them, and not let them overpower me. But last year really traumatized me, and while I spent so much time being strong, and just digging in my heels and going with the flow of everything as it happened TO me, I was developing deep seeded fears within me about my health, longevity, and my own body.

I do not trust my body. And that is a painful truth to admit. It has let me down, due to it's frailty, the skeletal issues I have alone are cause for fear, not to mention the chemical issues related to panic, and menopause. 

To be blunt; I've come to fear my own health. So I have found it easier and safer to just avoid life.

And you would think admitting that is some cathartic weight-off-my-shoulders epiphany; but it isn't. It's just more sour grapes. 

So while I'm aware of all the blessings my new spine has brought into my life, it has also led to the growth of several pretty paranoid fears. And I know I need to nip them before I develop full blown agoraphobia. Again.

So that's where I'm at today. It's bitter sweet, as I am so glad to have seen my surgeon today, so relieved to know that at this point in time all my hardware is in place, where it should be, it all looks good. And yet I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not consciously, but somewhere deep, and vulnerable within me; I'm just waiting for the next big crap pile of bad news, the next big surgery, the next big crisis.

And now I'm going to go have a good cry and try to figure out how to come to terms with all that!

If you hung in through this blog entry to the end, thank you; for caring, for embarking on the journey with me, and for allowing me a space in which to get really uncomfortably honest.

The Truth about the Law of Attraction: Avoidance vs. Involvement

I think our collective search for enlightened self-awareness is a beautiful sign of our changing times, and a testament to the human spirit and will to be more than we currently are. On the journey of awakening, we encounter ideas and ideologies that test our boundaries, flex our compassion and force us to hold ourselves up to scrutiny as we attempt to see the ego clearly in order to grow beyond its limited and clingy insecurities.

One of the major tenets of the new age spirituality is the Law of Attraction; this is a large part of the movement, and one which is open to much interpretation, and ironically it's depth seems to grow as we do as individuals. In the beginning of a journey of self-awareness the LoA seems like a magical realm we can access if we act, think, and speak in proper or positive ways.

As we grow and evolve, we come to realize that one simply cannot play at attraction to bargain with the fates; one must shift their entire state of being in order to be in alignment with the fullness of the physics of this Universe.

One of the pitfalls along the journey, in regards to the Law of Attraction, which can catch you up and stick you in one delusional spot, is the notion that since like attracts like, you must surround yourself with only positive people, and remove all negative people from your life. I have seen people walk away from relationships, marriages, parents, family and friends because of this very issue, and witnessed the outcome as a result. It is never what you hope it will be.

The Law of Attraction promises more of what you put out there; if you remove negative people from your life because you only want positive people in your life, you will surely soon be surrounded by negative people. This is because the sub-thought, or the underlying motivator is fear; fear of the negative people, and all they bring with them. The Law of Attraction is a lesson machine, and there is certainly much more to be learned from our adverse relationships than our harmonic ones.

Ridding yourself of negative relationships will only serve to teach you about abandonment, disloyalty, and running away; you cannot escape karma. It is wiser to learn how to relate to these negative people in a more positive way. Rather than disassociating yourself from the negative people about you, it would be wiser to focus on what you can learn, and how you can help.

I learned this lesson in a poignant and super intimate way myself, through the relationship I have with my mother. While she is not a negative person per se, our relationship was negative, critical, and painful for me. I walked away from the relationship finally and stayed away for three years. During that three years I learned to come to terms with my feelings, guilt, anger, and thought I had done the "right" thing. Life was certainly more peaceful without the arguments we would have had. And yet, I missed my mother. And at the end of the experience, nothing was gained; in fact three years had been lost.

When I let her back into my life I learned immediately that nothing had changed; we still had communication issues, respect issues, and a massive imbalance in our relationship. So I began to ask new questions; rather than asking "why does this happen to me every time we talk?" or "How can she be so cold?" I began to ask "What is it about me that sets her off?" and "How can I adjust my behavior in order to bring out the best in her?"

When I adjusted my perception it all fell into place, magically. My mother wanted to nurture me, and I had never realized I was defensive towards that, feeling as though she was treating me like a child. She wanted to feel a motherly sense of control and power, so I allowed her to take on more a parental concern roll in my life again, and when I stopped being critical of her, she immediately stopped doing so with me. It has been a growth period in the last few years between us, as our power struggles gave way to a real and authentic relationship. We enjoy one another in a way we never did previously. When I got out of her way long enough to let her be my parent again, and stopped being defensive long enough to let her nurture, she became comfortable with me. And this allowed her to accept me more openly for who I am in return.

I am pleased to say, that after decades of unhealthy toxicity between us, we are now truly mother and daughter again. Neither of us are perfect, but neither of us are fixated upon the others faults. And for once, we can just enjoy each other "as is."

In this way, the LoA has truly "rewarded" me with "more of the same", in that I put in the genuine time and effort to see my part in the negativity in the relationship, and the entire dynamic of the relationship shifted as soon as I had the revelation I needed.

So this brings me to another pitfall regarding the Law of Attraction; this is a mentality I see many spiritualists exuding which needs addressing, as it is detrimental not only to the individual, but to the very planet itself.

"If I don't think about it, it isn't an issue."

Many new agers seem to have this idea that if they don't think about it, it ceases to be an issue; and they act as though this is positive thinking when in fact it is apathy and avoidance.

Sure, where you put your focus your energy intensifies. Yet if you look around you to the world at large, we are living in very uncertain times; there is so much cataclysm around us, hunger, war, tyranny, injustice, and none of these wrongs will be righted by turning a blind eye towards them.

The LoA would be best utilized by lightworkers and spiritualists who understand that shining a positive light upon the negative aspects of this world will exponentially benefit everyone, and everything.

None of us are here to experience an easy Nirvana; if we were, we would all move to Tibet and sit upon mountains with monks, chanting, taking up vows of celibacy and silence, so we can do kindness all day and meditate our way to higher levels of personal awareness.

We are not on that mountain however, and there are very real issues all around us that impose themselves upon our empathy and compassion, and ignoring them does not make them go away. Enlightenment is not something to seek for the sake of having it, nor is it something that comes easily; truly enlightened souls know that difficulty is the truest path to ease.

So do you want to really explore the LoA, and truly flex your awakening journey? Get involved. Get involved in anything that ignites the passion within your spirit. There are so many causes upon this planet that will fire your chakras and get your empathy boiling, and this involvement will connect you to others who are working towards a common cause; you will learn together, grow together, and discover real and valid ways to be the change you wish to see in the world.

I challenge you to challenge yourself; follow the path of least resistance and yet keep your eyes open and be aware of the world around you. Paying heed to the heartache of your fellow man will not drag you "down", but perhaps it will help you figure out a way to lift others UP.

The Law of Attraction is a universal law of physics; science, not a mystical system of barter or exploitation. Rather than focusing on what you can get out of it, try to see what you can put into it.

To paraphrase, for a little tongue-in-cheek fun;

"Ask not what the Law of Attraction can do for you, ask what YOU can do for the world around you."

God is Greater Than Your Deepest Truth

I am an ardent seeker of truth, and the truth is subjective, and hides under layers of subterfuge and ego much of the time, so truth seeking can be a needle hunt, and send one off on side tangents and journeys into the darker reaches of the psyche. For one to genuinely wish to see the truth of who they are, to really wish to understand who they are, they must be willing to take a lot of of cosmic anvils to the forehead, a lot of uppercuts to the identity, and it requires much uncomfortable eating of crow.

You see, the truth is something we seldom deal in when looking at who we are, as we tell our stories, and build up layers of comfortable persona-laden tidbits in order to feel more at home within the skin. To know truth one must see the fallacies within, clearly and without bias, and understand their own human condition intimately. It is our condition to seek comfort and safety, and often truth flies in the face of such things, making us feel twitchy and not at all at ease. So we rewrite the past, and build up bits of who we have been in order to live with it in a more peaceful way. 

We do this with God too, and this is indeed the most basic of our conditioning as a species. We identify with a deity that fulfils needs we have deep within, and so we personalize God and build Him in our own image and likeness. God becomes the parent we never had, the mentor we sought growing up, the shoulder we could weep upon and the hand which guides us lovingly. We put our own needs and wants and insecurities into our expectations of God, until we stop addressing God, and replace Him with the being we need; choosing our insecurities over truth.

But God is not the type of deity that coddles insecurity and pats heads and feeds cookies. 

God doesn't lie to Her creations, and does not waste time feeding false delusions with further illusions of grandeur. 

I see people on social networks addressing their Gods, praying for their petty wants and desires, pleading with and posturing and playing politics, trying to bargain with God in order to have their own will be done. Very few people are comfortable at the core with "thy will be done." In truth, we push our agendas on to God, and when God doesn't hand over the keys to the kingdom on a silver platter then victims are born.

I am a big fan of prayer; I pray often, quietly, inwardly and outwardly. I pray when I gaze upon the stars, I pray when I lay in bed at night, I pray when I see a baby smile. And when I think I want something I try to humbly ask God to do as She sees fit, and grant me the serenity to accept that choice. 

To truly love and accept God, you have to love and accept yourself, and understand a few basic principals at the core of your being;

• God is not invested in your drama, and He grants you free will - you will experience the consequences of your previous choices, so be sure you're able to live with your choices.
• God is not a wish master, She is not a genie in a bottle, no amount of asking nicely will grant your wishes. Want your prayers answered? Pray for selfless things. God loves givers.
• God helps those who help themselves. Get off your knees, begging doesn't become you.
• God is not a physical being, does not look like you, does not experience emotions like you, and is indeed far beyond any of our comprehension. If you truly understood WHO God IS, you would never feel fear, anger, jealousy, envy, or compulsion again.
• God has better things to do than answer your ever whim.
• God is greater than your deepest truth, your most fervent yearning, your most sorrowful pain.

To really have a relationship with the infinite energy of the Universe, the Giver Of Duality, the Granter Of Decisions, you will want to stop seeing Him as a He. Stop seeing Her as a She. God is All. God is energy.

God is vibration and sound and elements of light and dark and everything in between. God is ALL.

All couldn't care less about what job you do, or if you fall in love, or if your children are behaved, or if you get the raise, or house, or car, or anything else you ask God for. God gave you all the tools you need to grant these things to yourself.

What God does is exist - within all - lending Universal energy to All. You can access this energy and work with it, or you can ignore it and worship petty godlings and false idols.

And when it comes to world religions - they are all false idols.

Yet none are wrong, and there is no sin. It is all self imposed - God is the most accommodating creator you could conceive of - there is no limit to what you can do in Gods Garden.

I urge you to stop seeing God in the mirror, and start seeing God as more than you are, learn to let go of your dogma and pre-conceived notions, and seek the truth in the most honest and humble way you can. Talk to God, and then still your mind, turn off your agenda seeking ego, and listen.

God is always talking. Birds sing, God talks. Rains fall, God talks. A star falls, God talks. The Moon waxes, God Talks. 

Are you listening?

Miracles Happen - I Am Living Proof!

Twenty-Five years ago I had my first scoliosis surgery, and was fused from the middle of my spine to my mid-lumbar with titanium bars to correct a pretty impressive curve that was shaped like an "S". After that I had twelve uneventful years, with daily aches and pains and occasional trips to the local ER for pulls, tears and other painful episodes, but all in all I could not complain.

In 2000 after giving birth to my miracle child (she was born despite all the odds against my body) I began to suffer pain of a deeper degree on a daily basis. As the years went by this pain deepened until about five years ago I found walking all but impossible due to the pain and grinding in my lower back.

A year ago, on January 22, 2013 I had a spinal revision surgery to extend my rods down lower on my lumbar spine, as I'd worn away so much bone during years of bone on bone friction. And then last July I had another emergency revision, in which all hardware was removed and I was fused from my neck to my pelvis. Basically I have metal running the entire length of my spine, and both rods are screwed into my pelvic plates. 

After surgery last summer I was completely immobilized, and spent more time in hospital unable to move, walk, sit or stand. I was sent home in late August with daily nursing care, a hospital bed, and other personal aides for the bathroom and home. The road ahead was long, and punctuated by a lot of frightening question marks. 

Would I be able to walk again? Would I require further surgery? Was my mobility a thing of the past?

I fell into depression and during the fall of last year I found it difficult to keep my thoughts positive as I saw little to no progress. Some days I would weep from morning to night, as a feeling of futility settled upon me like a damp scratchy cloak. My husband and daughter were so supportive and loving, and without their patience I'm not sure I would have made it through the end of the year with my emotional well being in tact. 

Then as November gave way to December something miraculous happened, and for absolutely no reason at all, I began to grow stronger!

The last month and a half has been amazing in ways I cannot even express; I find myself walking without assistance, no walker, no cane, no limp and no pain that I cannot bear! All of a sudden my body has slipped into acceptance of it's new posture, and the debilitating pain that plagued me over the last few years has become simple aches and pains; which I surely am strong enough to handle. I'm a champion when it comes to aches and pains.

I did not pray or even wish for this; I was certain in my bleakest moments that the long descent into disability was under way, and I would never know physical strength again. I did not think positively or attempt to manifest good health, I did not dare hope for things that I knew surely were not in store for me. I turned my prayer and blessings outwards towards friends and family, and tried to come to terms with my inability to do the things I had once taken for granted. I attempted to graciously accept that my house would never gleam again, and that I would never put my own socks on again, and was learning to weather it with quiet resolve as I strived to reclaim any amount of dignity I could.

So as the last few weeks have gone by I've found myself wondering "how did this happen??" I did not pray for it, I did not dare. I did not expect or anticipate or even dream of it. I have become so accustomed to "bad news" regarding my health that I was adjusting my perception to accommodate it and try to find the blessings therein. I was truly beginning to find peace in the notion that the remainder of my days would be spent requiring assistance showering, washing up dishes, preparing a small meal...

But here I sit, fit and straight; my spine aligned as I have never known it, my hips even, my legs strong, the pain within my body minimal for the first time in half a decade. Why? Do I believe in miracles? Of course I do, but I have never thought myself worthy of one.

Worthy or not, I've received a miracle, and I am so beyond grateful and humbled and over-the-moon joyful that I cannot contain it! 

I do not understand why some people must suffer while others seem to thrive, nor do I know why some people toil while others experience ease and abundance. I have suffered and toiled for so long that the thought of ease or abundance makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, as I wonder what the price will be for such blessings. And maybe there is no divine "reason" for my miracle, and my body simply decided it was time to get up, heal, and move forward. 

In any event, I will not take it for granted. I have spent so much time in the last decade abed, feeling exhausted by the litany of medications I have taken to deal with the pain of a crumbling spine. And I still have a long road ahead of me, as I attempt to use muscles which have lain dormant for years, and get my body up and moving again. But I am so eager, and happy to have the ability to push myself to tears, as sweat rolls off my forehead and I grunt with the effort of riding my exercise bike, or doing the stretches I have to do in order to regain any amount of flexibility.

What I wish to leave you with, through the sharing of my miracle, is the knowledge that the body is a brilliant machine that serves us so well without our even realizing it most of the time. The simple act of bending to pick up something from the floor, or rolling over in bed without taking five painful minutes doing it little by little... there is so much the body does that we do not consider until those things are no longer possible. 

When I woke up with my arms paralysed last January after a nerve injury during surgery, and spent three days without their use until the nerve began to heal, I learned to never take my arms for granted again. Do you know how frustrating it is to have an itchy nose and no way to scratch it?

The body is a temple; and the soul dwells within. Treat your body as you would treat your most prized possessions, with care, gentle maintenance, and gratitude. 

I was lucky to find a surgeon gifted enough to build me a new strong spine. I was blessed to find his colleague who has committed himself to my pain management and rehabilitation. I am in awe of the miracle I have received in the last six weeks, and whether I thank God or the Goddess, modern medicine, or my own body, I want the world to know that miracles really can and do happen.

Three months ago I could not walk without a rollator walker, and required help in and out of the shower. I could not reach the bottom shelf of the fridge or do up my bra. It took me upwards of 2-3 minutes to walk 20 feet down the hall to the bathroom, and I could not sit or stand without great effort and pain.

Today I stretched for 15 minutes, then rode my exercise bike for 20 minutes, and soon I will go do the dishes, have a shower, and straighten up my bedroom; because my body is able to.

I do believe in miracles. They happen every day.

Resistance is Futile!

Epiphanies being what they are, they are generally much more explosive in the moment to the person having them, than to others, but I still like to share mine with you. So humbly and with painstaking honesty I awoke this morning with a question in my soul; why do I resist so much?

Let me expand a bit, because some of you will be saying "hold on Dee, you're one of the most open people I know, you don't seem to resist very much!" and while I am pretty open minded and spiritually progressive, I am a very private person deep within, and have locked a lot of doors to walls around my heart. In my youth I was so naive I would believe just about anything anyone said if said with conviction and eye contact, because of my desire to believe in the honesty and good in all people. As I got older I had my heart broken again and again, and again... not by the lies of others, but my own naive desire to see others in a light that clearly didn't shine. I saw society as resistant, and putting up walls, and drawing lines of division and boundary, and expressing a lot of "this is MINE, go get your own" mentality. So I mimicked in my own way, without even really knowing I was doing it. I do it with my spiritual beliefs... Far out eh?

You know those silly chain letters that go around the internet? I think they're a great way for me to simply explain what I'm getting at here. I logged into Facebook today and saw a really cute picture, I liked the picture, and I wanted to immediately share the picture with my friends list, because it brought my heart joy and I wanted to share that. BUT... the jerk who posted the picture put a hex on it (tongue in cheek here) by making a big moral limitation and stating that if I did NOT share the picture, I would have five years of bad luck. I immediately scrolled down to the next item on my wall.

Then I wondered, why would I let someone's incessant need for "likes" and "shares" limit my desire to post a picture I genuinely liked? They obviously cursed the picture with five years bad luck for those who didn't share it because of their own insecurity, why would I feel the need to rebel against them?

So I decided right then and there, to stop resisting. So I shared it. And I broke someone's five year curse against me which my ego absolutely screams at in fury!!! My ego shouts "How could you pander to the emotional lackwit who sent the picture in the first place by sharing it? Now you've assuaged his vile and demonic curse and given him the slightest indication that you bought into it in the first place! You Dee, are a moron!"

And I gently cajole and rub my ego on the head, because it isn't about the pox the Facebook user attributed to the picture he sent out into the world wide web; it's about my resistance to it.

I saw the picture, loved it, desired to share it, then put up a wall as soon as my ego disagreed with the originator of the picture and their need to be spooky, or go viral. I know my magick is strong enough to overcome a silly on-line vexation, a simple saging of my laptop will right that calamity before it occurs, but my ego immediately wanted to smite the other persons ego by virtue of the walls I put up. How dare those walls be threatened by some ignorant louts curse upon me!!!

Resistance only deprived me the opportunity to share a picture I sincerely liked. And therein lies the true curse, because had I not shared it, my friends would have maybe not been bombarded by it, and it's a cute picture let's remember. And then maybe my friends wouldn't know I think of them and want to share smiles and laughter and joy with them via this computational collaborative creation called "laptop".

So curses be damned, I am going to stop resisting. My ego resists a lot of things, simply because of the message I fear I will give if I roll over and accept. And my ego needs to simmer down and stop taking itself so bloody seriously. So send me your chain letters, your cursed attachments, your poxy pictures, I will accept them. I may not share them all, as they may not all touch or move me, however I vow to not bypass one again simply because someone else is trying to exploit my "share" for their own stupid purposes.

So while I don't see myself being assimilated anytime soon, I will cheerily contend that when it comes to following my own heart versus sating the carnivorous needs of my ego, resistance is futile, and my ego shall starve.

Whispering Spirit Within

I went into the hospital on January 22nd, quite certain all would be well, questioning nothing. I woke up with both arms paralysed, and spent the next weeks rehabilitating not just from spinal surgery, but learning to use my arms again as they slowly regained their use.

When I found out in April I had a broken vertebra, and that I would require another spinal surgery I was desolate; I sank into a depression, and all of the optimism I had felt the beginning of the year seemed to slip away. I went into the second surgery on July 26th without any expectations, knowing the arm paralysis could reoccur, and that since this would be a full spinal fusion that the recovery would be far more extensive.

What a mind blowing experience it has been since then; nothing could have prepared me for the months that followed the second surgery, and indeed as I sit here typing this to you, I am still learning to walk with this new body posturing. The surgery changed everything about my spine, straightening it out even more than previous scoliosis correction surgeries, and now my hips are level, after 30 years of being slightly askew, and it is like learning to walk all over again, as I find myself tripping over my own feet, shaky at the best of times on these legs which are now equal, no longer being slightly higher on one side of my body.

It's been challenging physically, with recovery, home nursing, hospital stays, bouts of pain so intense I could barely remain conscious through the worst of them. And yet none of that compared to the emotional pain I endured after the second operation; my pride was shattered. It is not easy for a woman who can be vain, to all of a sudden require a walker, and cane to simply walk to the bathroom, to take upwards of 5 minutes to walk 20 feet, to need a nurse to help with showering every morning, and a hospital bed brought into the house as I could not get in or out of a normal bed. It really shattered my perception of myself to all of a sudden be so darn helpless!

This last few months has found me adjusting as much emotionally as i have had to physically. I have two metal rods that go from the bottom of my neck, down to my pelvic wall, held in place by large screws, and I cannot bend any more. I will never again put my own socks on, and I knew that going into this surgery, but I don't think I really fully understood what that meant. I cannot open the crisper or bottom shelf of my fridge, and if I drop something on the floor I've had to learn to be creative, by using my feet, and my cane, and i'm certain anyone watching me would be unsure whether to laugh or cry at the pathetic show before them! But I've learned perseverance, and though my pride has taken some mighty blows, I've come to realize a few extremely important things about myself, and my life.

You see, the human body is fragile and while it can endure a lot of strain and pain, it has it's breaking points, and when the body starts rebelling against the sheer force of gravity, and legs give out, or a bladder cannot control itself, or a reaction to strong medication creates new levels of illness, it can feel like a tremendous weight on top of you. You feel weak, and useless, and eventually can slip into a depression. And yet, the spirit is stronger than the physical body is, and eventually something within you overcomes the depression and says "hey, knock it off, you're still alive!" and then everything slowly comes into perspective.

That perspective began to clarify itself to me around the time I was diagnosed with spinal fluid on the brain. Yes, another wonderful medical crisis that had me in the hospital having tests, being poked and prodded, and I found myself laughing at the lunacy of it all! What else could I do? I've been through so many humiliating experiences this year, and have had to rely upon the kindness of nurses and doctors and orderlies and interns, and indeed I've lived in this body at it's weakest points, and slipped into self pity and an empty sense of pointlessness. But the spirit within me, the truest part of who I Am has quietly whispered to me all along, and when I was finally able to get out of my own way long enough to simply listen, the message was clear; this isn't the end of the world.

And it truly isn't. I have learned new levels of humour and laughter, as my monkey toes astound my family when I drop something, and can skilfully pick it up with these silly feet of mine. If I can't reach something, my cane works wonderfully! So I've become accustomed to using my cane as an extension of my arm, using it to do everything from turning on lights, to shutting the car door. And though pain still plagues me daily, and my body is still rebelling against this new posture and instrumentation, my spirit is strong, and I can laugh at myself, and in this way I know nothing will ever break me. Never again.

I have come to realize that adversity is not my enemy; my fear of it is. And if I don't fear roadblocks and setbacks then I am far better equipped to deal with them. It's been one heck of a year for me, and the road ahead of me is long and leads to an uncertain destination. But I am able to stand up, and walk, albeit slowly, and my arms work, and I can laugh at myself. And for these things I am grateful.

My body may fall apart completely one day, and I may end up in a wheel chair full time, relying upon others for every function I have, and yet I will still have the one in-diminishable thing which I have come to realize is more valuable than any part of my body; my spirit.

So I am ready to face whatever tomorrow brings. It's one thing to have faith in the Universe, and the "external" as it were, but when one realizes that the divine spirit within is all they truly need, there is this sense of liberation that takes place...

I am free so long as I keep my perspective in this regard. When the mind chatters so loudly that you feel overwhelmed and put upon, and downright defeated, listen to the quiet whisper that is beyond that mind babble - your spirit, it speaks gentle, and often giggles, because it takes nothing serious. There is nothing so serious to your spirit, because spirit knows, it's all temporary, and it's all experiential.

So I'm experiencing disability, and pain, and limitations, and I can softly giggle all the while. Because I am not my body, I am just residing within it, for a while.

My Will

Tomorrow morning I go into the hospital for my next spinal surgery, and as usual I am feeling very introspective today, as the magnitude of what lays before me fills me with trepidation, and a mixture of hope and fear.

I have had two spinal surgeries already, and this one comes only 7 months after the last due to complications and unforeseen spinal breakages. Seven months ago I felt much the way I do this morning, yet I was also full of optimism and didn't for a moment imagine something would go "wrong" with the surgery, and had someone told me I would end up back in the OR a half a year later I would have re-examined my choices before committing to anything.

This has been a very difficult year for me, for my husband, and for our daughter. And so I feel less optimistic today, as I realize just how hard this process is going to be. I know what to expect now, and in a way this robs me of the idyllic uncertainty I had before the last operation. I feel weighed down by the reality of what lays before me.

Tomorrow morning I will go under, and when I wake up some 8 hours later my arms may not work, due to the damage my brachial plexus nerves suffered last time. And even if this injury doesn't recur, the road to recovery will be long and fraught with difficulty. The knowledge that so many things could go wrong weighs me down, and I am battling panic today and wish to state a few things in order to make my will truly known.

I share this in order to be clear with the Universe, and with my family and friends, because I know I will wake up, and there will be a lot of emotional upheaval ahead of me as I begin to do it all over again.

So without further ado, these are things I will; my legacy as it were, a living legacy of love and gratitude.

It is my will that my daughter know just how proud I am of her, and have always been. She is a miracle and came into my life against all odds. And yet she made no bones about her place in my life and my heart, as she never for a moment doubted where she belonged. She is the most amazing person I have ever met; she faces life with the perilous legacy of neurological misfiring her mother has left her, in the form of panic attacks, and yet she is the strongest person I know. The depth of compassion, understanding, and wisdom within her blows me away on a regular basis; had I possessed even an iota of her grace and dignity at the age of 13 I would have been a very different child myself.

Renee is my legacy to the world; she is a reflection of all of the best parts of her mother, as well as the most vulnerable aspects. The love I feel for her is not simply that of mother for a child; she is my favourite person in all of reality and were she not my child I would still be drawn to her simply by virtue of her amazing sense of humour. When I cause a smile to bloom across that beautiful face I feel honoured; it is my privilege to be able to cause her any amount of happiness.

It is my will that people understand just how strong my daughter is, and yet to also understand just how much she takes on as she attempts to please everyone in her life. She will always take the higher road, and hold pain within her quietly and resolutely, rather than cause anyone else pain or displeasure; she is a true giver, and I wish she would sometimes exhibit a little more teenage selfishness, as she spends so much time making sure everyone around her is happy and satisfied.

Mostly, it is my will that Renée never for a moment doubt how much her mother adores her, respects her, and enjoys her. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself as a mother; she blessed my life in ways I could never have expected or hoped for. I look forward to the future with this woman child; as she blossoms and grows, so does she teach me more about how to be a better person by comparison.

It is my will that my husband know that even though life has been difficult, and we've had more than our share of bad luck as a couple, those vows we took together are inviolate to me; I would never forsake the promises we made one another. I do love you, and honour you, and I promise that I will come back to you, stronger, ready to start another new chapter in our lives, as I reclaim spinal health, and fight the bloody hard battle to regain my mobility.

It is my will that Eric knows just how remarkable he is; for he spends a lot of time living up to my lofty expectations, and as often happens in a marriage we tend to focus on what needs fixing, rather than what ain't broke. There is so much which isn't broke Eric; you are the most generous, giving man, providing for your family in good times and in bad; don't doubt for a moment how appreciated and valued you are. I leave you my promise that I will be home soon, and this will be in our rear view soon, and in due time we will face our next struggle as man and wife; and as always we will face it as a team, hands entwined, certain of nothing save the love we have for one another.

Above all, it is my will that my husband know and remember I respect him, adore him, value his boyish charm, as much as I do his quiet resolve.

I am blessed with a family which holds me up and gives me strength, and I owe them both so very much. It is my solemn vow to spend the rest of my life making sure they both know how valued and sacred to me they are.

And before I end this, my final post before I go into the hospital, I have one more desire and decree. It is my will that should anything happen to me, and for whatever reason I am unable to return home after all is said and done, that those who love me do everything in their power to make sure the two people who love me the most are always cared for, supported, and nurtured in the way they both deserve to be.

I hope to be home and blogging again within a few weeks. Until then, value your health, your family, your liberty, and the truth.

What If There Is No God? What if Love is God?

Having spent most of my life seeking enlightenment, awakening and awareness, it is more than ironic that I find myself writing this particular post. There is coming full circle, and then there is circling, shooting out into orbit and heading off in a direction you didn't previously know existed. You see, I always assumed that there was a greater meaning to life, and an omnipotent overseer of this Universe, who we often call God, and in those assumptions I hung up my hat and rested for well over three full decades. I questioned aspects of my beliefs as I bounced from Christianity to Wicca to New Age to Paganism, but I never for a moment imagined any track I was on was remotely "off".

But now, through the 20/20 clarity of hindsight I can see how all of those previous states of awareness have just led me towards my current state of perception, and it's shocking to realize how all of that spiritual seeking led me right into a neo-atheistic state of mind.

I'm not an atheist, I do believe there is some kind of creative energy in the Universe, but I don't for a moment spend any more time imagining that this energy is sentient or benevolent or spends any amount of it's time giving a crap about my piddly existence or problems.

When I ponder the history of humanity, in no real linear fashion, I can see nothing but a history of bloodshed and violence; when you examine the cause of our wars as a people the root of the problem always in every single case boils down to one issue: ideology. Every single conflict every single person has ever had on this planet has revolved around mine vs yours, whether it is property, resources, beliefs, or liberties. In every case of tyranny and oppression on our planet, which are far too great to number or list, the distinct similarity has been one side or faction attempting to strip the other side of something valuable and treasured. We look at this as a modern "civilized" society and think we've come so far, yet it's still happening every day all over this world. People are constantly arguing over who's beliefs are right, who's moral ideology is right, who's politics are right, who's ethnic rituals are right; we spend so much time hurting one another over our own perceived rightness, how can any of us truly believe we are a civilized species?

We drive cars, and wear suits, and live in houses, and contribute to an economy and have access if we're lucky to moderately effective health care, but does that make us civilized?

The history of this planet is proof enough to me that all of my previous spiritual seeking has led me to exactly where I want to be now; comfortably uncomfortable in my uncertainty and cynicism. When I think back to the mindless time and gestures I expended "believing" that everything happened for a reason, while going with the flow as life happened to me, I feel a sense of futility within me that urges me to get up and scream. Christianity taught me to turn the other cheek, while Wicca taught me to do no harm; Paganism taught me to value nature, while the new age movement taught me that we are all One. And in the end all of those lessons are utter hogwash to me, because if we all turn the other cheek, that is tantamount to apathy; nothing gets accomplished, tyranny trumps all as we're all turning the other cheek and allowing oppression to happen around and TO us. Do no harm? That's the most ambiguously hypocritical tenet any religious or spiritual sect can adhere to, we all do harm, constantly, and only those who deny it are lying to themselves. To truly do no harm one needs to start within, and we are a society that is constantly harming, ourselves and each other, through our words, our actions, our insecurities, our need for validation, our quest for the almighty dollar and piece of the pie. Paganism comes closest for me, as I do indeed revere nature, and yet to truly be in balance with nature I must embrace myself as a primal creature above all else; with baser desires and agendas which violate the teachings of all other belief systems. And then there is the new age movement, which honestly sickens me to death now. Do I believe we are all One? No, I honestly never did. While I can achieve a feeling of Oneness with life, and with myself, I have never truly felt at One with you, or any other human being. I don't want to, as I value my individuality and my experiences, and while I want to relate to you, and understand you, and feel compassion and forgiveness for you, I certainly do not want to meld into you or merge with your essence.

For me it's more comfortable to accept that all of these religious beliefs and spiritual compunctions are just man made; from the beginning of time man looked to the stars for answers, to help us understand our loneliness, our isolation, to help us feel secure in the darkness and within our own fears. We have been seeking validation from our first steps out of the bubbling ooze of evolution, and most of us are willing to give up our own unique spark of individuality to meld into a group of others in order to feel safe, included, valued, and validated. That is why people choose a church, and then spend so much time defending it as the "right" one to others who don't share their particular beliefs.

But can anyone truly be right, when the planet rotates to tunes sung thousands of years ago, and no one is really willing to question information for fear of being isolated in their blasphemy?

What makes more sense, a mystical God who lives in a magical heavenly place who gave us free will but will give us consequences if we don't follow his divine rules, or a universe in which life has taken root, and has grown, and evolved through the millenia?

If you really believe some mighty being who is better than you in every way created the Earth so he could impose his morality upon his children is in charge of this show, then I fear for us all. Sincerely.

No matter what you call it, religion, spirituality, theology, it's all just enslavement to me. The seeking can lead to liberation and sovereignty which is magical in itself, but when someone gets stuck along the journey and decides to settle for complacency and safety in a fantasy, then growth stops, freedom becomes an illusion, and individuality gives way to mob mentality belief systems.

If we could all just look at one another and nod and say "I don't have any of the answers, except that which I feel in my heart" then what a beautiful place this world could potentially become, for all of us. Perhaps we'd put our guns down, and stop feeling the need to police others behaviors, beliefs, and passions. If we could only just accept that life can be random, and chaotic at best, and that grasping at what we think are the answers only serve to mollify the deep truth within; humanity is a fearful empty lonely breed of life, and we do each other more harm than good with our various religious beliefs and factions.

In the end, no matter what you believe, or I believe, or anyone else believes, the truth remains that if indeed there were some omnipotent sentient being watching us from above, they would be sadly disappointed with how we have turned out.

I think if we put an end to all these ologies, and just focused on the truths in our hearts, maybe we would be worthy of our own self-inflicted need to feel redemption. We are capable of love, and great acts of compassion and generosity of spirit. We are a people who work better in groups, and stagnate when alone, we need each other. If we stopped imposing our own fear based morality upon each other maybe we could actually learn to get along and act like civilized beings.

The fact that we still debate things like abortion, gay marriage, and equality is indicative of our own fragile hold on what we believe. Because if we truly had faith in the beings we say we serve, like God, or Christ, or Buddha, or Allah, then we would live and let live, and embrace our brother and sister regardless of how different we perceived them to be.

But we don't, we choose to focus on how different we are, how wrong others are, how right we are... and if that continues then nothing will change on this planet, as nothing has changed for millenia. Sure, women can vote now (lucky us) and black people can choose a seat anywhere on the bus, and we have techno gadgets and have been into space, but are we really making any solid progress as a species? Are we any more cultivated than we were a few thousand years ago?

Politics has made passive aggressive assholes of this world through political correctness, and hyper-sensitivity has made even larger jackasses of us, as now everything you say can be construed as evil, hateful, or damnable by this group of people or that.

I'm tired of it. I just want to see people be the best of who they are, and stop hanging all their stuff on some mystical guy in the sky. Imagine how peaceful life would be on this planet if we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were alone; and that there is no god judging us or rewarding us. Imagine how empowering it would be to know that we were the creators of our own destiny, and that there was no karmic debt, or anything to transcend except our own fears.

I can no longer call myself spiritual. I read tarot, and yet how difficult to explain to my clients that what I'm doing is more psychological than spiritual now... I simply can't buy into the planetary need we all have within us to find validation at the hands of something or someone more divine or powerful than we are.

When I read tarot I tap into something powerful, vibrational, and natural. And I don't need or want to define it. I don't know if it's spiritual or scientific, and I don't care. I feel it, it is what it is, and it gives me a sense of clarity and compassion that I normally do not possess.

And the same can be said when I am just listening to my heart; when I take god out of the equation, and spirituality, and mysteries, and any inkling of something magical, the true magic emerges, and I see just how fantastic this species really could be if only we stopped trying to march to the same drummer, and were free to just be who we are deep within.

Each of us are unique, individual, and special. And when you stop trying to castigate yourself to some omnipotent being in the sky maybe you'll figure that out. And if you already have figured that out, then spread it, and don't be afraid to be different. Because the way we're doing things just isn't working out for us as a people, and the hatred and killing and tyranny needs to end. And it won't if we don't change the system from the inside out.

So instead of offering up empty prayer or false smiles, just be who you are, at the best of yourself, for the sake of yourself and others, without the desire to please some invisible man in the clouds.

Then you'll know what it feels like to be in control of your own happiness. And that's powerful.