Saturday, October 6, 2012

Re-Scripting the Persona

Yesterdays blog post was repugnant, full of fear and loathing and uncertainty.

I'm so glad I finally posted it; within minutes of hitting submit I felt a weight lift from my heart. And my intuition began to nudge me again, in a way I haven't felt in way too long.

I think; no I know no one hurts me like I do. Six years ago I lost my dad to a sudden massive heart attack. It was unexpected and heart crushing as he was my abuser and enemy for so long, and yet in the last four years of his life we found even footing.

He began to respect me as a mother, and stopped seeing the screw-up he was so accustomed to seeing me as. We began to enjoy one anothers company and it was so freaking cathartic. To forgive someone who hurt you relentlessly is difficult; I spent years carrying a heavy grudge around with his name on it. But the second he began to treat me with kindness I dropped all of those feelings of being done wrong by. I simply let it go, it wasn't an issue anymore. The moment I heard he had died I forgave him everything. All I could feel was forgiveness and love.

I never really processed his death, I hid in my spirituality and ideals and never truly grieved.

In the six years since he passed away I have gone through a spiral into a very dark place. I needed (on a subconscious level) to know where he was, that he was ok, so I started searching areas I never before cared to explore. And I found things I wasn't prepared to handle. And along the way I realized God was dead.

I have blogged numerous times about my inability to believe in God any longer; it's no surprise, I cannot believe in a being so small minded. I believe the Universe is driven by something infinite and full of potential, however I cannot call that presence God - the word God is to small to cover something so all encompassing.

My spirituality sort of hinged on my belief in this notion of a loving paternal God, and as I realized he never truly existed in the way I thought he had, my spiral into darkness accelerated.

I do wonder who I am if i'm not Dee the Tarot Reader; D'est Ra the spirit voice of infinite possibilities. But I know even those ideas of who I was were just facades; more characters in a self-produced play.

So it hit me after last nights explosive blog post, I realized that I was mourning nothing more than a shadow; Dee the Spiritualist never truly existed because the core of that Spirituality was a farce.

It was a stepping stone into a wider truth which doesn't require God. I don't need brimstone or even magick (though I do mourne it) because now what I know is known on a cellular level; we are infinite energy - our consciousness is beyond identity. We do not begin and end with our self-aware sense of personality. We are beyond ego. Of course these are all things I knew before, but now I know them in a different way. I guess I feel finally the profundity of responsibility that lies within because there is no fate or destiny and we truly are the creators of our own reality and experience of it as such.

Deepak Chopra (a very wise dude) said that we live in two realities - the one we perceive, and the existential reality. I think I'm starting to really get a grasp on just how my perception has driven my own Awakening process, and how falsified that makes any awakening because perception is flawed at best. How I see reality matters only to me; and my insane and anxiety-driven need to categorize my reality and understand every single part of it is only part of the deep fear within me.

That fear that has been within me for so long; which manifested as panic disorder 11 years ago... it is something I've tried to transcend, thinking it made me weak, that it was a sign of an unenlightened soul. And yet I see so clearly now how the fear within me is not the thing to escape or grow out of and beyond; it is the crux of the false identity I have within me. It was scripted by painful perception, oppressed perception, and I carried into adulthood and parenthood and held on to it thinking it defined me.

But I refuse to define myself through my previous fearful notions of myself.

Today I am born again; blank slate - ready to paint a new canvass. I think I have to really start working, and I mean putting in my due diligence, and begin to get to know myself.

And isn't that the human condition? Isn't that what we all strive to do with this life; come to know who we are in relation to the world and Universe around us.

I have been far too hard on myself for far too long. I hold myself to unreachable standards, and because I fall short every time I end up feeling self-loathing, and I bottle it up and hide deep within where it festers and leaves emotional scar tissue.

I'm a really kind person, with so much empathy and love within me. I've been hurt in many many ways and instead of letting go of those painful experiences I held them against myself, quietly and deep inside. I hold myself responsible for things other people did to me; that's twisted and pointless.

My husband has been telling me for years I'm too hard on myself, and I think maybe I finally agree.

So I'm going to take the road less traveled and start forgiving myself - and letting go. Along this path I know I will re-establish my spiritual center - and maybe my feet will find solid footing again.

I will never again look too closely at something I know I shouldn't see. I am going to rewrite this persona; this character known as Dee. I will rewrite her over the coming weeks and months, and eventually "she" will be much more comfortable in her own skin.

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