Worry & The Crown Chakra

As you may be well aware, the Crown Chakra is the energetic energy source connecting our body and spirit - located at the top of the head. There are several other energetic Chakras (the word Chakra is sanskrit for "wheel " or "turning") in the body; each of which connects to a major organ or gland; the Crown Chakra is the one at the upper most part of the physical body and it opens our awareness to all that is "above" us (energetically higher on a vibratory scale).

Now that I've gotten the brief explanation of the Crown Chakra out of the way, on to the gist. I have had panic disorder for nearly a decade now, and while the worst of it was in the first two years, I do still have moments of sheer panic from time to time. The big panic attacks are limited; it is the smaller anxiety which I am still plagued by. It is a daily exercise in letting go, living with the level of anxiety I do; I am always looking for deeper clues within myself as I know this anxiety is not the illness, but rather a symptom of something deeper.

When I go deeply within myself and ponder anxiety, and it's root - fear, I come away with a knowing that my fears all stem from feelings of abandonment, inadequacy, and self-doubt. While on the outside I may appear to be quite certain about myself, internally I am constantly judging myself; it is very emotionally exhausting and quite painful. And just because I am aware of it doesn't make it easier to break out of the patterns I've fallen into.

So what does my anxiety and the Crown Chakra have to do with each other? Well I've made so many observations about each Chakra over the years during my meditations and cleansings; I know that my fears are connected on an intimate level to my Crown. When I am in a deeply receptive state, breathing deeply and tuning into my biology and surroundings on a very profound level, I notice that the milisecond my mind slips into a fearful place I feel a pinching pressure on my Crown. When I feel this pinching my throat quickly begins to "choke up" or feel swollen; signifying that this is also relative to my Throat Chakra, and my ability to express myself, or be heard and understood.

So on a higher energetic level I am aware of the root of my fears, I understand where they originate within my own experience here on Earth (all from early childhood) and I can see how I've lived my life either in abject abandon of my fears (mostly as a young woman) or in compromising hesitation regarding my life experiences and choices.

Ok, so Dee, you understand where your fears come from, and you understand where they are hooked up on your energetic Chakra system; what's the problem? Just be done with it now!

If only it were so simple. We are creatures of habit and conditioning; and I've spent the better part of the last two decades unknowingly conditioning myself to feel unworthy, unloveable, and mistrusting of myself. I remember the first two decades of my life were spent in quite a large sense of confidence, and I always had an unspoken knowing that things would always be alright in my life, and I would always be provided for.

Ironically, it was around the time I began to explore world Religions and spirituality that I also began to experience the first inklings of self doubt and anxiety about myself. I'd had anxiety since childhood but it was always regarding the actions and behaviors of others; hardly ever about myself.

But now, by age 40, there is so much self-doubt that I find myself questioning everything I do and say, quietly having an ongoing commentary within myself, asking things like "was that stupid?" or "did I cause pain?" or "that was petty - you suck".

This is deeply ingrained within me, so much so that when I catch it happening it feels like a shock, each and every time; though I'm aware of the causes, the triggers, and the affect both physically and energetically, it doesn't make it easier to accept it. Each time I find myself judging myself, and open myself up energetically to the point where I can see it for what it is, it feels a bit like an epiphany; as though it is the first time I've discovered myself doing this. So in a way I feel a bit like an amnesiac, as I easily forget to watch for the signs, to moderate my inner commentary; and when I forget then it's back into the old patterns again.

I need to dedicate myself to this, and this alone now; I am so tired of beating the crap out of myself. I know rationally that I am not responsible for the feelings and perceptions of others, and yet there is this need within me to accommodate, to bend, to be pleasing and valid. When someone hurts me I automatically look to myself for the blame, having a hard time understanding that I may not have any blame at all; I generally assume it's my lack of endearing traits that leave a bullseye on my forehead. People just seem to have no trouble being coarse, abrupt, judgemental and cruel to me. So it must be something I emit... and in this way I think to the animal kingdom; stronger animals sense the weakness of their prey and know they are higher up on the food chain - they don't question that, it's simply instinctive knowing which drives them to overtake prey again and again. In this way, I am like prey, emitting a weak signal, so in essence wearing a bullseye on my forehead and heart.

I understand that any of my extremely positive attributes (and there are some) are overshadowed by my weakness, and subconsciously some people are wired up to feel superior to others and thereby treat them differently. I don't judge this; it's human nature. I just find it interesting how in the first twenty years of my life, even though I still had doubts and hangups (I grew up in a very painful environment) I was still confident and self-assured and just knew beyond knowing that I was connected to something "sacred" in the Universe, that always had my back.

Why I ever felt the need to explore anything beyond that, I'm not quite sure, I can't remember when or why I began to seek something "more". But it was a fall down a rabbit hole I can never recover from. My blissful ignorance was blown to hell as I explored world cultural religious modes, dogmas; as I really began to understand just how convoluted "faith" is when built upon guess work. And that is all world religions are - guesswork. I don't mean anyone any offence, and while I'm sure some of you will want to immediately pray for my soul, I assure you I'm quite alright as I am in this respect. Your prayers and blessings are always welcome but they are more for yourself, than they ever are for me. You see, a prayer is a plea to something greater within and without - a request for grace to handle adverse situations, for patience to handle things which test us, and strength to be as great as we hope to be. You can pray for my soul, but it's your own soul which drives the desire to do so.

We're all fearful and anxious about death and what comes next vs. nothing comes next. Faith is a wonderful place to reside, but when it isn't backed up by knowledge it's blind faith, and anyone who doesn't have practical working experience with death is guessing. My mom had a near death experience in her childhood and I don't question her experience, I know she experienced the tunnel of white light, the angelic choir, the being pulled upwards; what I question is how much of that experience was manufactured by her pineal gland.

I've gotten slightly off track, but this digression is good as it brings me back full circle now; when I used to think about death in my first 15 years, I knew God was in Heaven and I would join him when my body died eventually, because I was reborn through Christ.

Then, in my late teens and early twenties when I thought about death I thought the exact same thing, only more abstracted, with less linear lines so to speak; not as many rules, not as many dogmatic confines.

Then in my mid twenties and into my thirties thoughts of death elicited images of the Universe, and nebulae, and alternate dimensions; my view had expanded to a Universal level, and I just knew that the journey wouldn't end with my body, and that gave me tremendous peace. This peace could only exist if a fear had once taken it's place; so the peace I would feel was really indicative in my sometimes doubts in the ongoing nature of the soul, or our essence. I had faith, but not 100%.

Now, I'm 40, and I don't know quite honestly. And sometimes that eats at me, but not very often. You see, I made that my mission last year; to come to grips with my fear of death and "what next". And I have made a tremendous amount of insightful progress. I don't attach the same meanings to death that I used to; my exploration helped me to see things in a different light, and now when I think about death leading nowhere, I'm ok with that instead of instantly panicked. And when I think of death leading somewhere I'm ok with that too, because as far as I'm concerned I have no control over what happens to "me" when my body dies, so I have two choices: stress the $@%! out about it, or just breathe and exhale.

I exhale.

Now I'd like to exhale regarding my internal commentary of fear and self-doubt. I'm doing it all the time, cutting myself down, limiting my abilities, putting up boundaries and blocks because of fear and uncertainty. I want to move to a place of wider perspective on this, like I have regarding the thought of death. I want to know on a deeper level why it's pointless to run this internal commentary, because on a rational level I get how destructive it is, I know I'm poisoning my cellular body with negative ions. Even as I typed that last statement my Crown Chakra pinched and felt tight, and I realized I was feeling anxious and stressful about what I'm doing to my body.

Do you see?

Am I odd?

That is one thing I often wonder; do other people worry as much as I do? They don't seem to. Mostly.

So I'm going to make it my mission now, as of this day, to be mindful of my inner commentary, and to be paying attention to my internal responses, so that I can start to re-condition myself. I feel like the member of a cult who has escaped, who now needs to go through extension behavior modification in order to reclaim their own sense of identity.

Out of the numerous things I would like to work on within myself, this is the one which needs dealing with now. I am ready to stop worrying about worrying.

Thanks for hearing me out.