Losing Oneness: Fear Robs the Moment

Oh so very lucid right now.

I will share some folly with you, share my heart and bare my soul. And you can receive it with whatever energy you intend it to have. That is my gift.

Today I had a beautiful bath after work. And as I washed the conditioner out of my hair I frowned, because again, my hand was full of my own hair. I have been losing it in handfuls for a few months now. It is a "growing concern" pardon the pun. It actually doesn't seem to be growing much of anything. My garden is entering it's Autumn.

I just went out on to the balcony, right after the sun had set behind the vista of the escarpment, and the sky was all red and pink and purple, full of whispy clouds and bird song. I found myself relaxing, and tapping "in" as I often do when alone outside. And I felt my burden slip off, as I examined the levels of insecurity behind it. There, on the surface was vanity. Just below it insecurity. And just below that was (as always and ultimately) fear. So I examined the fear. It led to the same place fear always leads - lack of faith.

Doubt.

I let that go and tapped in further. I felt electric energy on my skin and just knew that I was being gifted of something I have been missing. So I smiled and leaned forward and invited "it" (whatever it was going to be). The tree 40 feet from my balcony, the one which is over 100 feet tall, it caught my eye. And I looked at it, rather losing focus and just soaking in it's greenery. Then I realized that there was a flapping at the top. I tried to focus but the distance was too far to. So I watched and thought at first it was a bat stretching it's wings before flight. Then I thought it had to be a bird. I lost myself in these thoughts, smiling all the while, wondering what else the tree would reveal to me. I saw flapping to the left, let my eyes wander, and saw another creature flapping. A small bird? Another bat? I did not know. Then the whole tree lit up as though it were a christmas tree, the beams of light from the remaining sunset were twinkling through the gaps between the leaves. It was awsome, tears came to my eyes. They return at the thought of it. Heavenly.

I realized the tree had been flapping it's leaves at me, there were no creatures now, just gently flowing leaves. And then I felt within me the tree was greeting me. I greeted her back. And she showed herself to me in a misty transparent image of a colonial woman, she showed me a rutted road running along next to her, and a horse cart on it. Then she sent the most intense healing energy into my heart.

And at the end of this I cried. Partly for joy, and partly for fear.

Fear of losing that feeling.

The fear of losing it serves to remove it. And here I am now, knowing this is my greatest personal struggle, torment, lesson, opportunity, and moment.

I am vulnerable, open, real. A butterly emerging from a deep heavy sleep in cocoon. Ready to spread wings still slick with chrysallis dew. Fearful that I will fall.

Oh God help me help myself end this infernal chattering.

As the tree had sent the healing energy to me, I was very much at peace. At One, as they say. I love feeling At One. It happens more and more, and yet, I fear the loss of it, be it ever so brief. I sat receiving healing from a beautiful creature of Gaia's love and vitality, and the voice inside my head whined for the loss of it, while it was still receiving it.Is that not sad? Is that not the folly of all mankind? I had in the grasp of my knowing the One thing which is truth in my being - and I was enjoying it and worrying about it leaving at the same time.

We are afraid of losing Oneness, so we push it away.

Humanity.