Ending a Toxic Relationship

Paulo Coehlo said "If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."

If this is true, I now patiently await a new hello in my life. I have finally done it my dear friends; I've severed ties with my adoptive mother.

Anyone who knows me knows this is a long time coming, and a very painful path has led me here. For those of you who are new to my blog, please understand that while I love my mother so deeply, I can no longer have her in my life; at all.

Her role in my life was immense when I was younger, as she played the role first of "perfect mother", then the role of alcoholic and emotionally abusive mother. And over the years she slowly transformed into a person who caused me far more pain than any other emotion. She has neglected her grand daughter, my beautiful miracle child who is now 13. While we have lived no more than 15 minutes away from her in the last seven years since my father passed away, my mother has only seen her grand daughter a handful of times. And five years ago she walked out of our lives completely for three years.

It was only due to the death of a family member that I had to have contact with my mother again. And the door opened again, and as always, I entered with wide eyed optimism and rose colored glasses. Promises broken, again and again. Insults hurtled again and again. And yet more pain, so much pain. So much unbelievable pain.

Three months ago I had my second (and yet not final) spinal revision surgery, my mother did not come visit me, nor did she bother to call me, until I texted her to let her know I had come through surgery, and was finally feeling better after the paralysis in my arms faded.

Two months ago I turned 41. My mother, who lives 15 minutes away text messaged me a birthday greeting.

Today I heard from her again, first time since my birthday, another text message, saying how much she loves me and thinks of me. And it finally hit me.

I have been so desperate for her acceptance that I've utterly altered myself for her in every way. She doesn't even know who I am, because I am so careful to be the "best" version of myself I can be in her presence, but even that is never enough.

I was honest with her. And she responded bitterly, and I believe she was drinking. Not a huge surprise.

I cannot change her. And I will not try to change myself for her, any more. In the end, I closed the door. And I feel at peace. I wish her nothing but blessings, and hope she will learn how to treat herself better. She has alienated anyone who ever loved her. She has become so bitter and isolated and delusional. And I ache for the choices she's made that have led her to this sad place in her life. And yet, I also have choices I can make for my life, for my daughter. And today I chose to stop feeling like less than...

I pray that I do not repeat her mistakes as a mother. I can only hope to learn from her errors, so that the cycle of abuse and chaos ends with my own experience as a daughter. My own childs experience isn't perfect certainly, as her own mother is overly sensitive, "flakey" and spiritually off on her own cloud (tongue in cheek, smiling), and yet her mother listens, and talks patiently, and hugs, and loves, and understands. And barring understanding - I try to. And that right there makes all the difference.

I do not use my words as weapons, nor do I wield guilt as a tool of destruction and sadism. Pray Goddess, the great Mother of All - let me reflect the image of the mother I always yearned for, and the parent all children deserve.

I love her always, and yet now I am ready for my next hello.