Accessing Your Inner Caregiver; Soothing Your Inner Child

We live in a world that places so much emphasis on the wounds we collect as we grow up; the affronts to the "inner child", and many people spend so much of their time and money on therapy sessions, hoping to unravel hidden hurts in hour long sessions so that they may find peace and clarity.

Is it possible that talking about the gunk we go through in our formative years, again and again; dredging it all up for this psychiatrist or that therapist over and over could be more harmful than helpful in the end? Isn't the purpose of those painful experiences in our youth to help us grow and learn from our mistakes and hardships as we get older?

I would not suggest that seeking professional help for psychological issues isn't helpful or even wise; I myself have seen therapists in the past for my own issues surrounding my childhood, adoption, and unresolved feelings of abandonment. There is certainly a cathartic sense of release to be had in acknowledging our pain and then working on releasing it.

But the industry of healing the inner child is perhaps skewed and leaning too heavily upon ailment, unintentionally robbing people of a mighty sense of empowerment along the way. 

You see, I've come to realize in my life that not only do we have an inner child, but we also have an inner caregiver. As with all things in life on planet Earth, there is a polar opposite to balance the equation. Everything has it's opposite, and all is right at the end of the day as a result, because up is balanced by down, and the equitable dance between happy and sad gives us so much food for thought (and gratitude!) to learn and grow by. It only stands to reason that those things which hurt us as younger people also helped fortify us as we got older.

Instead of focusing on healing your inner child, suppose you put that energy into encouraging your inner caregiver to embody the loving and healing acceptance you have sought your whole life. We are human, and it is our very condition to seek acceptance, support, understanding, and unconditional love. These things are well and good when received from outside of ourselves, but until we can direct them inwards to our own self they are hollow. The inner caregiver is a conceptual image of the self as this nurturing and constant source of the emotional fortitude we yearn for, and to know it lives within is soothing; we are never truly alone as long as we have our own company, and when our own company is supportive, kind, and attentive then life becomes less overwhelming. The inner child can rest easier knowing that he or she is constantly watched over by the wisdom within, which bears the weight of all the lessons learned; liberated by your own sense of faith in yourself and your concern, compassion, and love for yourself.

When you step into this mindset you empower yourself to stop thinking of your past in regards to drama, victimization, negative experience and pain, and rather see it all as the stepping stones which led you to learn how to love yourself deeper, to value your own uniqueness, and to rely upon yourself to sooth the sorrow which can from time to time surface within. We are not victims of our past; none of us, no matter what we have lived through, experienced or been exposed to. The past is an echo and nothing more, and while it has led you to this place in your life, it does not define you, nor does it set the stage for who you will next become in your life. Your inner child is just a shadow, an image much like a hologram which no longer exists in your present state of being. But the inner caregiver is alive, vital, and very much present at this moment, and will be with you always.

So cultivate your inner caregiver by understanding that it is your psyche, your truer self, guided by your soul or your heart or whatever tender parts of your truth you wish to relate it to. Your inner caregiver is the wisest, most loving and gentle, patient and kind parts of you, and all you need to do to access the sweet sensations from within is just think about it. If you still your mind, deepen your breathing, and focus on feeling the calm and peace of your internal nursemaid, you will feel her or him.

So the next time you feel yourself being tugged into your past by your inner child, to a moment that makes you feel pity, shame, fear or guilt, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and picture that small child being rocked gently in the arms of the most loving version of yourself you can conjure. Know that in all of your biological complexity you are ultimately a very simple creature who just requires tenderness and positive reinforcement; and then remember that it all begins within you.

How To Change the World?

I am regularly and routinely shocked when I realize that I am amongst a small percentage of human beings who believe the world is not okay the way it currently is. In my own mind and consciousness when I think about the tyranny on this planet, the lies and the ways in which we are truly enslaved by commerce and politics, I can't help but feel infuriated at the way in which society has evolved to become something corrupt and elitist. And yet it is clear to me that while the planet appears to be waking up to the magnitude of our reality in all it's messed up spectacle, there are still so many people who are more comfortable with the lie.

You see, when someone begins to realize that the world is corrupt, and corporate greed runs the planet, it is a scary notion; not something easy to digest. When you really begin to see how big pharmaceutical corporations, oil corporations, banks and politics all strive to keep people complacent and afraid, it leaves you feeling raw, uncertain and extremely fearful. If an entire planet can become blinded by the almighty buck, and suddenly science fiction seems less like fiction and more like a bleak reality, then what is yet to come becomes an overwhelming future full of grim injustice.

The things that weigh on me most heavily right now are the things I cannot control as an individual; such as Hydraulic Fracturing and the way in which the powers that be are actively lying to the world about how invasive and damaging the "Fracking" industry is. People can set their drinking water on fire, tremors are being triggered by the Fracking process, entire ecosystems are rotting before our eyes, because we are reliant on fossil fuels, because those in power have given us no other alternatives. Then there is Monsanto and the GMO reality we are all living and facing; when it becomes okay for a presidential administration to grant secrecy and anonymity to companies who are genetically modifying our crops, and these genetic mutations are proving fatal in animal testing, and yet they are so deregulated that the public is not viewed as having a need of or right to the exact laundry list of toxins that are going into the food we eat. These GMO altered foods are killing the worlds Bee population, which is another huge concern; without Bee's our planets plant life will surely die out.

Why do we allow these things to happen, putting out of mind the horrendous truth of the machine which we are enslaved to and trying to ignore the magnitude of what we are doing to this planet and each other is not changing anything.

The bottom line is the 1% of the worlds Elite are rich because we feel powerless and so we become complacent and just adopt a "you can't fight city hall" frame of mind..

The facts are in people, autism, ADD, panic disorder, and other psychological and neurological illnesses and diseases are directly related to pollution, vaccinations, water contamination, chemical waste - when do we say enough is enough and truly become activists??

The word activist has taken on a negative connotation, as the grass roots movements of the 1960's lost massive amounts of credibility due to right wing criticisms of the peace and love movement. It became almost a joke to think about the long haired "hippies" of the 60's, and instead of their message of liberty, love, community and peace remaining their legacy to the world, we instead look back with comical caricatures of stoners like Cheech and Chong symbolizing a hippy. But the movement itself wasn't about the style or the music; it was about people, and freedom, and sustaining a future for our children which would be fertile and abundant with possibility.

An activist is one who is active: and apathy is the antithesis of activity. We have become complacent and apathetic towards the world around us; we are so desensitized to war, to bloodshed and genocide, we are bombarded by images of murder and terrorism on the television; something within us as a global community has learned to turn off the feeling of fear and shock within. It's a safety mechanism and none of us can be blamed; the world around us has been devised to make us feel exactly this way. It was the vision of our forefathers not to ensure a democratic world for us to build upon with equality and opportunity, but rather to build powerful governmental structures to ensure those with the 'right' ideas stayed in control. This is why the poor fight wars while the rich profit from them; it's why the poor flock to churches while the rich bow down to the dollar alone. As an entire planet we've been duped by those who always had the most money and the most influence; and we are now truly enslaved.

We are enslaved by a system which is thrust upon us from the day we are born; and we seldom question the choices we are groomed for, because to question our reality means we accept something is wrong. And accepting something is wrong requires you to either do something, or live with the guilt of your own inaction; both are undesirable outcomes.

So what do we do?

On a bad day (which I have increasingly to be honest) I fear that nothing can be done, because it is too late and to try to change the mechanisms of the global money machine means complete planetary anarchy is necessary, and the second that occurs we will be living under obvious and conspicuous martial law.

We live under martial law already; it's apparent to anyone willing to truly see, yet it is disregarded or covered up, and we ignore it. The media is owned by those in power, and seldom does a truly unbiased news report surface anywhere in mainstream media. We are blinded by Hollywood, and pointless programming about people who are truly devoid of any redeeming qualities. We watch reality tv, which is totally unreal, and devote our attention to the latest person to OD, or self destruct in the public lens of fame.

Why do we do this? Why do we pay more mind to some singer with loose morals and questionable talent, than we do to the very horrors that are all around us? We do it because we have been conditioned to.

Conditioning is a kinder way to say brainwashed. But to get right to the heart of the matter, that is what has happened. In the last century, while technology and science have begun to explode, and we've become aware of the entire planet on a real time internet basis, we have been brainwashed by the popular culture, the trends, the fashions, the politics, and the money.

We are completely reliant upon the machine now; who among us don't use gasoline, or plastics, or medicines; our whole reality is set up on a foundation of commerce and big business.

But maybe we don't need to do anything radical to be a change; maybe it's as simple as deciding to become responsible and think globally while truly acting locally. Little things can make a big difference. So like our parents and their generation during the 1960's grass roots movement, perhaps we can start actively demonstrating our desire to see things begin to take a shift towards conscious creation, proactivism as it were. Research and read, and learn about who is in charge of things where you are interested, and try to stop using products which support tyranny. Switch brands, read ingredients, take the time to investigate the shots you give yourself or your children before committing your genetic health to nameless billionairs living overseas while CEO'ing pharmaceuticals.

Gandhi said we were to "Be the change you wish to see in the world", and this is the basis of any activist group or ideal. Instead of just talking about what's wrong we have to start making it right. It requires us to be willing to make some changes in our own personal lives. And that can be uncomfortable, or an inconvenience. But when you take your own needs out of the equation and think about the future, your own needs seem paltry by comparison. Think about your children, and their children, and imagine a world in which they cannot swim in lakes or streams, or eat a berry off the bush, or get an education without being forced to receive mysterious vaccinations. Imagine a world where there are no green places any more, and where water is recycled because we've run out of clean renewable water sources. Imagine a world where the sky is forever milky white due to chemical trails, and a blue sky with puffy white clouds is something children read about in history books.

Can you live with that heavy weight in your heart? I can't.

Start making changes in your own life. Don't be afraid; there is nothing to fear. If every single person begins to make wiser choices for their own life, then the machine changes, because the only thing dictating supply is demand; if we demand different things then the powers that be will have no choice but to supply what we require.

We don't need fossil fuels, we have renewable and natural resources like the wind and the sun, we don't need vaccinations because our bodies come equipped with beautiful and miraculous immune systems which magically grow stronger when given the chance to create anti-bodies by being ill.

Don't you see? We have everything we need already - and it's all supplied by the very planet we are destroying. 

Switch to a more natural way of thinking, seeing things, and living, and your children will have a richer future because of it. As a single person we are just one small voice; but when we gather and take up a common cause we are unstoppable.

What If There Is No God? What if Love is God?

Having spent most of my life seeking enlightenment, awakening and awareness, it is more than ironic that I find myself writing this particular post. There is coming full circle, and then there is circling, shooting out into orbit and heading off in a direction you didn't previously know existed. You see, I always assumed that there was a greater meaning to life, and an omnipotent overseer of this Universe, who we often call God, and in those assumptions I hung up my hat and rested for well over three full decades. I questioned aspects of my beliefs as I bounced from Christianity to Wicca to New Age to Paganism, but I never for a moment imagined any track I was on was remotely "off".

But now, through the 20/20 clarity of hindsight I can see how all of those previous states of awareness have just led me towards my current state of perception, and it's shocking to realize how all of that spiritual seeking led me right into a neo-atheistic state of mind.

I'm not an atheist, I do believe there is some kind of creative energy in the Universe, but I don't for a moment spend any more time imagining that this energy is sentient or benevolent or spends any amount of it's time giving a crap about my piddly existence or problems.

When I ponder the history of humanity, in no real linear fashion, I can see nothing but a history of bloodshed and violence; when you examine the cause of our wars as a people the root of the problem always in every single case boils down to one issue: ideology. Every single conflict every single person has ever had on this planet has revolved around mine vs yours, whether it is property, resources, beliefs, or liberties. In every case of tyranny and oppression on our planet, which are far too great to number or list, the distinct similarity has been one side or faction attempting to strip the other side of something valuable and treasured. We look at this as a modern "civilized" society and think we've come so far, yet it's still happening every day all over this world. People are constantly arguing over who's beliefs are right, who's moral ideology is right, who's politics are right, who's ethnic rituals are right; we spend so much time hurting one another over our own perceived rightness, how can any of us truly believe we are a civilized species?

We drive cars, and wear suits, and live in houses, and contribute to an economy and have access if we're lucky to moderately effective health care, but does that make us civilized?

The history of this planet is proof enough to me that all of my previous spiritual seeking has led me to exactly where I want to be now; comfortably uncomfortable in my uncertainty and cynicism. When I think back to the mindless time and gestures I expended "believing" that everything happened for a reason, while going with the flow as life happened to me, I feel a sense of futility within me that urges me to get up and scream. Christianity taught me to turn the other cheek, while Wicca taught me to do no harm; Paganism taught me to value nature, while the new age movement taught me that we are all One. And in the end all of those lessons are utter hogwash to me, because if we all turn the other cheek, that is tantamount to apathy; nothing gets accomplished, tyranny trumps all as we're all turning the other cheek and allowing oppression to happen around and TO us. Do no harm? That's the most ambiguously hypocritical tenet any religious or spiritual sect can adhere to, we all do harm, constantly, and only those who deny it are lying to themselves. To truly do no harm one needs to start within, and we are a society that is constantly harming, ourselves and each other, through our words, our actions, our insecurities, our need for validation, our quest for the almighty dollar and piece of the pie. Paganism comes closest for me, as I do indeed revere nature, and yet to truly be in balance with nature I must embrace myself as a primal creature above all else; with baser desires and agendas which violate the teachings of all other belief systems. And then there is the new age movement, which honestly sickens me to death now. Do I believe we are all One? No, I honestly never did. While I can achieve a feeling of Oneness with life, and with myself, I have never truly felt at One with you, or any other human being. I don't want to, as I value my individuality and my experiences, and while I want to relate to you, and understand you, and feel compassion and forgiveness for you, I certainly do not want to meld into you or merge with your essence.

For me it's more comfortable to accept that all of these religious beliefs and spiritual compunctions are just man made; from the beginning of time man looked to the stars for answers, to help us understand our loneliness, our isolation, to help us feel secure in the darkness and within our own fears. We have been seeking validation from our first steps out of the bubbling ooze of evolution, and most of us are willing to give up our own unique spark of individuality to meld into a group of others in order to feel safe, included, valued, and validated. That is why people choose a church, and then spend so much time defending it as the "right" one to others who don't share their particular beliefs.

But can anyone truly be right, when the planet rotates to tunes sung thousands of years ago, and no one is really willing to question information for fear of being isolated in their blasphemy?

What makes more sense, a mystical God who lives in a magical heavenly place who gave us free will but will give us consequences if we don't follow his divine rules, or a universe in which life has taken root, and has grown, and evolved through the millenia?

If you really believe some mighty being who is better than you in every way created the Earth so he could impose his morality upon his children is in charge of this show, then I fear for us all. Sincerely.

No matter what you call it, religion, spirituality, theology, it's all just enslavement to me. The seeking can lead to liberation and sovereignty which is magical in itself, but when someone gets stuck along the journey and decides to settle for complacency and safety in a fantasy, then growth stops, freedom becomes an illusion, and individuality gives way to mob mentality belief systems.

If we could all just look at one another and nod and say "I don't have any of the answers, except that which I feel in my heart" then what a beautiful place this world could potentially become, for all of us. Perhaps we'd put our guns down, and stop feeling the need to police others behaviors, beliefs, and passions. If we could only just accept that life can be random, and chaotic at best, and that grasping at what we think are the answers only serve to mollify the deep truth within; humanity is a fearful empty lonely breed of life, and we do each other more harm than good with our various religious beliefs and factions.

In the end, no matter what you believe, or I believe, or anyone else believes, the truth remains that if indeed there were some omnipotent sentient being watching us from above, they would be sadly disappointed with how we have turned out.

I think if we put an end to all these ologies, and just focused on the truths in our hearts, maybe we would be worthy of our own self-inflicted need to feel redemption. We are capable of love, and great acts of compassion and generosity of spirit. We are a people who work better in groups, and stagnate when alone, we need each other. If we stopped imposing our own fear based morality upon each other maybe we could actually learn to get along and act like civilized beings.

The fact that we still debate things like abortion, gay marriage, and equality is indicative of our own fragile hold on what we believe. Because if we truly had faith in the beings we say we serve, like God, or Christ, or Buddha, or Allah, then we would live and let live, and embrace our brother and sister regardless of how different we perceived them to be.

But we don't, we choose to focus on how different we are, how wrong others are, how right we are... and if that continues then nothing will change on this planet, as nothing has changed for millenia. Sure, women can vote now (lucky us) and black people can choose a seat anywhere on the bus, and we have techno gadgets and have been into space, but are we really making any solid progress as a species? Are we any more cultivated than we were a few thousand years ago?

Politics has made passive aggressive assholes of this world through political correctness, and hyper-sensitivity has made even larger jackasses of us, as now everything you say can be construed as evil, hateful, or damnable by this group of people or that.

I'm tired of it. I just want to see people be the best of who they are, and stop hanging all their stuff on some mystical guy in the sky. Imagine how peaceful life would be on this planet if we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were alone; and that there is no god judging us or rewarding us. Imagine how empowering it would be to know that we were the creators of our own destiny, and that there was no karmic debt, or anything to transcend except our own fears.

I can no longer call myself spiritual. I read tarot, and yet how difficult to explain to my clients that what I'm doing is more psychological than spiritual now... I simply can't buy into the planetary need we all have within us to find validation at the hands of something or someone more divine or powerful than we are.

When I read tarot I tap into something powerful, vibrational, and natural. And I don't need or want to define it. I don't know if it's spiritual or scientific, and I don't care. I feel it, it is what it is, and it gives me a sense of clarity and compassion that I normally do not possess.

And the same can be said when I am just listening to my heart; when I take god out of the equation, and spirituality, and mysteries, and any inkling of something magical, the true magic emerges, and I see just how fantastic this species really could be if only we stopped trying to march to the same drummer, and were free to just be who we are deep within.

Each of us are unique, individual, and special. And when you stop trying to castigate yourself to some omnipotent being in the sky maybe you'll figure that out. And if you already have figured that out, then spread it, and don't be afraid to be different. Because the way we're doing things just isn't working out for us as a people, and the hatred and killing and tyranny needs to end. And it won't if we don't change the system from the inside out.

So instead of offering up empty prayer or false smiles, just be who you are, at the best of yourself, for the sake of yourself and others, without the desire to please some invisible man in the clouds.

Then you'll know what it feels like to be in control of your own happiness. And that's powerful.

Quantum Light Healing

When I give a Tarot reading I always end it with a "shot of Quantum Light Healing", and clients are informed that they will receive this cleansing Light modality the night they receive their reading. Today I received an email message from a Tarot client of mine named Sherry; in it she asked:

"What is quantum light healing?  I'm a reiki master; is it similar to that?"

Let me first start out by saying that I am not the "founder" of Quantum Light Healing, there are many people who use similar healing modalities, however I did not model my healing after anyone else's. Quantum Light came to me about 8 years ago through extensive meditation and introspection; communion with Spirit. Some may call it channeling, however I dislike that term; I really prefer to simplify it by saying I followed my intuition to discover a mode of healing we can all access, easily, readily, and innately as human beings. 

What Is Quantum Light? 

Let's first start by understanding the word quantum. The dictionary defines a quantum as:

quan·tum  

/ˈkwäntəm/

                  noun

                 1.     quantity or amount: the least quantum of evidence.

                 2.     a particular amount.

                 3.     a share or portion.

                 4.     a large quantity; bulk.

  

We all know what Light is, but let's refine our understanding, because it isn't just light that is used in healing, it is a Universal aspect of a portion of Light. Not all Light is "healing" - some light is simply illuminating, some of photonic, some is reflective and refractive. The Light used to heal is Photon Light - a quantum (or particular amount) of energetic, nuclear Light - it is alive, active, and reactive. 

So by all intents and purposes, Quantum Light is simply photons which are virtually all over the Universe. 

Modern medicine uses this principal to a small degree when treating cancer cells with radiation - which photons are comprised of. However the radiation used in cancer treatment is destructive, used to kill cancerous cells, rather than heal. So in essence the Quantum Light used by modern medicine to treat cancer is malevolent and used with an intention to destroy.

The Quantum Light I and many others use is the same basic particulate Light, it is made of the same stuff, it is radiated, it is charged and photonic, however the intention with which it is directed is different, and intention is what guides any healing on a cellular level.  

How I Discovered Photon Light Healing 

I don't believe in accidents, or coincidence, and know on a higher plane of awareness that Photon Light Healing is a tool we can all access, however it came to me in a slow unwinding process of self discovery, through years of meditation and reflection. I had expressed an interest in healing modalities about 12 years ago, and looked into Reiki primarily, but after studying level 1 I discovered this was not exactly what I was looking for. My hands knew what they wanted to do, as did my heart, but I had to get my brain to wrap around it in order to begin to really know how to use it. I had been using it my whole life, as do many, unwittingly, but once I began to really firmly grasp what it was I was working with, the name Quantum Light Healing just fit - and so I began to call it that. I didn't coin the phrase and don't wish to make it sound like I discovered anything; I didn't. I simply tapped into an energy healing model and gave it a name which resonated within my intuitive knowing.

How Does It Work?   

It's so simple, and as easy as using your imagination really. If you have worked with your Chakras, and are aware of how to open your third eye and crown up, to connect to a Higher state of consciousness Universally, then you are ready to start weaving Quantum Light Particles. Our Universe is comprised of Light and Dark energy and matter. The Light energy is infinite as far as I know, it is self replicating, and while I am not a physicist it seems to defy the laws of physics by expanding on itself, collapsing, and acting much like the waves on the ocean; it ebbs and flows and is seemingly unending. It is the light stars and suns emit, very radioactive and no doubt incredibly dangerous to the physical body in close contact. And yet when working Quantum Light you are not using it tangibly; you are using it energetically. That is to say, you don't scoop up a handful of photons to apply to the body; you use the radio waves and pulses of the nuclear energy to affect the cells of the body. And this is done via attraction, telepathy, intention, or whatever you want to label it as. 

It may sound bizarre or far fetched, but once you understand how Quantum Light works you understand that it's no different than how the lungs function. We inhale and exhale without thinking about it, and our body lives. If we stop inhaling we stop oxygenating our blood and the physical body stops functioning. But we don't have to think about it, the body simply knows it needs oxygen and the brain regulates breathing in order to provide appropriate amounts of inhaled air. Quantum Light is similar, in that once you recognize it as an intrinsic part of the Universe and our own energy as part of the Universe itself, all you need to do is direct it.  

When you want to pick up a cup on the table in front of you, you reach over and pick up the cup. Right?

When you want to use Quantum Light, you call it to you vibrationally, and then "tell" it what to do. It's as simple as that. 

Well, it's as simple as that if you're able to modify your vibration, and frequency. There is a great deal of self aware body modulating that goes into working QL.

Is It Like Reiki?  

Yes and no. It is like Reiki in that it is pure Universal Light energy being used in a loving manner to direct a healing in the physical or emotional or spiritual body. But it is different than Reiki in that it is not a discipline, and not directed by symbols or manifestations of levels of mastery. It simply IS. And one doesn't need a certificate or fancy title to wield it. All one needs to do is work towards an awakening of self-awareness and spiritual cohesion of the physical and emotional. 

Sound easy? That's up to you. Everyones awakening process varies. Mine has been four decades in the shaping and some days I feel as though I am still utterly ensconced in the sleep of ignorant complacence. 

So What Can It Do?   

That is up to you - the individual. My own understanding of QLH has changed over the last few years, as I've begun to understand I do some of my most powerful healing while my body and mind sleep - it is done in Spirit, through dream weaving, and astral projection. Where I used to spend great amounts of time trying to mold and wield the Light intentionally and visually, now I understand that all I need to do is set the intent, and then visualize, and then sleep. My Spirit always follows what I have laid forth. It is as though I draw a blueprint with my mind, and see it in my third eye, by traveling through the healing in advance and setting my desires for what I'd like to achieve, and then when I sleep my Spirit makes it so.

I also use it while awake though, often through the day, sometimes wittingly, sometimes just instinctively. I see that I am Quantum Light, therefore using it as an extension of my own body and mind and spirit, and breath, is no big challenge. 

But You Have So Many Health Problems? 

This is a valid and real point that I want to address. I have spinal diseases which have limited my mobility and cause me a significant amount of daily pain and disability. I also  have CFS/Fibromyalgia and a few other health issues. Most healers will agree that healing the self is a different commodity than healing another. It is like a mother who spends all her time and money and energy caring for her kids, clothing them well, making sure they have everything they require and desire, and at the end of the day she is wearing second hand clothing quite happily, not really caring that shes out of style and not quite vogue. A mother knows instinctively how to care for her children, putting herself first can be a challenge. And I've come to understand that people with deep empathy find it easier to connect to Quantum Light as they are just more open and 'out there' or accessible emotionally, which also can make them more prone to illness themselves. When you're an open receptacle for other peoples feelings, you're bound to take on issues that don't 'belong' to you. And this leads to illness.

Physician heal thyself - words of wisdom, easier said than done. 

And why would I spend my time directing Universal Light at myself? Feels greedy. I fill my own cup, I'm happy and at peace, and my body may be crippled but my heart is so full of love and compassion I do not feel I am at a deficit really. I would much prefer to direct that QLH outwards, as it seems to be what my Soul is driven to do.

So that is Quantum Light Healing in a nut shell. If you meditate on the concept of Light, what it IS, your body, how it is comprised of that Light, and then how all life is also comprised of varying rays of that light, you will perhaps begin to feel your hands tingle with it. It may make itself known through a pressure on your third eye, or a slight 'whoosh' in your inner ears. And if that is the case for you - send it outwards and see where it goes. Like a pebble in a pond, the ripples are exponential and go in all directions. 

May the Light bless your awareness. Love Always,

Blessed Beltane!

Beltane is the third and final fertility festival of the Spring - coming after Imbolc and Ostara.

Beltane marks the beginning of the world waking up from it's long winter slumber, and is opposite to Samhain the festival greeting the winter.

Our ancient forefathers believed that both Beltane and Samhain were the times when the veil between the living and the dead were at their thinnest, and used these two occasions to perform ritual, make sacrifices to the ancient gods and goddesses, and give thanks for the many blessings in their lives.

At this time of year as the Earth awakens in the Northern Hemisphere, the followers of the ancient forest paths of Paganism give thanks to the God and the Goddess as they reunite through sensuality and fertility to create new life. This is truly a time to give thanks to the Sun (The Father) and the Moon (The Mother) for reuniting to bring new life to the ancient groves, to light the day with more warmth so that our crops may grow in abundance and supply us all with sustenance for the next long winter.

Let me share with you the writing of Christina Aubin - her article on Beltane is well worth reflecting on and knowing.

Link to Christina Aubin via Witchvox

The beginning of summer heralds an important time, for the winter is a difficult journey and weariness and disheartenment set in, personally one is tired down to the soul. In times past the food stocks were low; variety was a distant memory. The drab non-color of winter's end perfectly represents the dullness and fatigue that permeates on so many levels to this day. We need Beltane, as the earth needs the sun, for our very Spirit cries out for the renewal of summer jubilation.

Beltane marks that the winter's journey has passed and summer has begun, it is a festival of rapturous gaiety as it joyfully heralds the arrival of summer in her full garb. Beltane, however, is still a precarious time, the crops are still very young and tender, susceptible to frost and blight. As was the way of ancient thought, the Wheel would not turn without human intervention. People did everything in their power to encourage the growth of the Sun and His light, for the Earth will not produce without the warm love of the strong Sun. Fires, celebration and rituals were an important part of the Beltane festivities, as to insure that the warmth of the Sun's light would promote the fecundity of the earth.

Beltane marks the passage into the growing season, the immediate rousing of the earth from her gently awakening slumber, a time when the pleasures of the earth and self are fully awakened. It signals a time when the bounty of the earth will once again be had. May is a time when flowers bloom, trees are green and life has again returned from the barren landscape of winter, to the hope of bountiful harvests, not too far away, and the lighthearted bliss that only summer can bring.

Beltane translated means "fire of Bel" or "bright fire" - the "bale-fire". (English - bale; Anglo-Saxon bael; Lithuanian baltas (white)) Bel (Bel, Bile, Beli, Belinus, Belenos) is the known as the bright and shinning one, a Celtic Sun God. Beli is the father, protector, and the husband of the Mother Goddess.

Beltane is the time of the yearly battle between Gwyn ap Nudd and Gwythur ap Greidawl for Creudylad in Welsh mythology. Gwyn ap Nudd the Wild Huntsman of Wales, he is a God of death and the Annwn. Creudylad is the daughter of Lludd (Nudd) of the Silver Hand (son of Beli). She is the most beautiful maiden of the Island of Mighty. A myth of the battle of winter and summer for the magnificent blossoming earth.

In the myth of Rhiannion and Pwyll, it is the evening of Beltane, that Rhiannon gives birth to their son. The midwives all fell asleep at the same time, as they were watching over Rhiannon and her new baby, during which he was taken. In order to protect themselves, they smeared blood (from a pup) all over Rhiannon, to which they claim she had eaten her son. The midwives were believed, and Rhiannon was forced to pay penance for seven years. She had to carrying people on her back from the outside of the gate to the palace, although rarely would any allow her to do so. The baby's whereabouts were a mystery. Oddly, every Beltane night, one of Pwyll's vassals, Teirnyon Twryv Vliant, had a mare that gave birth but the colt disappeared. One Beltane night Teirnyon Twryv Vliant awaited in the barn for the mare to foaled, when she did, he heard a tremendous noise and a clawed arm came through the window and grabbed the colt. Teirnyon cut off the arm with his sword, and then heard a wailing. He opened the door and found a baby, he brought it to his wife and they adopted Gwri Wallt Euryn (Gwri of the Golden Hair). As he grew he looked like Pwyll and they remembered they found him on the night Rhiannon's baby became lost. Teirnyon brought Gwri of the Golden Hair to the castle, told the story, and he was adopted back to his parents, Rhiannon and Pwyll, and and named by the head druid, Pryderi (trouble) from the first word his mother had said when he was restored to her. "Trouble is, indeed, at an end for me, if this be true".

This myth illustrates the precariousness of the Beltane season, at the threshold of Summer, the earth awakening, winter can still reach its long arm in and snatch the Sun away (Gwri of the Golden hair). "Ne'er cast a clout 'til May be out" (clout: Old English for cloth/clothing). If indeed the return of summer is true than the trouble (winter) is certainly over, however one must be vigilant.

On Beltane eve the Celts would build two large fires, Bel Fires, lit from the nine sacred woods. The Bel Fire is an invocation to Bel (Sun God) to bring His blessings and protection to the tribe. The herds were ritually driven between two needfires (fein cigin), built on a knoll. The herds were driven through to purify, bring luck and protect them as well as to insure their fertility before they were taken to summer grazing lands. An old Gaelic adage: "Eadar da theine Bhealltuinn" - "Between two Beltane fires".

The Bel fire is a sacred fire with healing and purifying powers. The fires further celebrate the return of life, fruitfulness to the earth and the burning away of winter. The ashes of the Beltane fires were smudged on faces and scattered in the fields. Household fires would be extinguished and re-lit with fresh fire from the Bel Fires.

Celebration includes frolicking throughout the countryside, maypole dancing, leaping over fires to ensure fertility, circling the fire three times (sun-wise) for good luck in the coming year, athletic tournaments feasting, music, drinking, children collecting the May: gathering flowers. children gathering flowers, hobby horses, May birching and folks go a maying". Flowers, flower wreaths and garlands are typical decorations for this holiday, as well as ribbons and streamers. Flowers are a crucial symbol of Beltane, they signal the victory of Summer over Winter and the blossoming of sensuality in all of nature and the bounty it will bring.

May birching or May boughing, began on Beltane Eve, it is said that young men fastened garland and boughs on the windows and doors of the young maidens upon which their sweet interest laid. Mountain ash leaves and Hawthorne branches meant indicated love whereas thorn meant disdain. This perhaps, is the forerunner of old May Day custom of hanging bouquets hooked on one's doorknob?

Young men and women wandered into the woods before daybreak of May Day morning with garlands of flowers and/or branches of trees. They would arrive; most rumpled from joyous encounters, in many areas with the maypole for the Beltane celebrations. Pre-Christian society's thoughts on human sexuality and fertility were not bound up in guilt and sin, but rather joyous in the less restraint expression of human passions. Life was not an exercise but rather a joyful dance, rich in all beauty it can afford.

In ancient Ireland there was a Sacred Tree named Bile, which was the center of the clan, or Tuatha. As the Irish Tree of Life, the Bile Pole, represents the connection between the people and the three worlds of Bith: The Skyworld (heavens), The Middleworld (our world), and The Otherworld. Although no longer the center life, the Bile pole has survived as the Beltane Maypole.

The Maypole is an important element to Beltane festivities, it is a tall pole decorated with long brightly colored ribbons, leaves, flowers and wreaths. Young maidens and lads each hold the end of a ribbon, and dance revolving around the base of the pole, interweaving the ribbons. The circle of dancers should begin, as far out from the pole as the length of ribbon allows, so the ribbons are taut. There should be an even number of boys & girls. Boys should be facing clockwise and girls counterclockwise. They each move in the direction that they are facing, weaving with the next, around to braid the ribbons over-and-under around the pole. Those passing on the inside will have to duck, those passing on the outside raise their ribbons to slide over. As the dances revolve around the pole the ribbons will weave creating a pattern, it is said that the pattern will indicate the abundance of harvest year.

In some areas there are permanent Maypoles, perhaps a recollection of ancient clan Bile Pole memory. In other areas a new Maypole is brought down on Beltane Eve out from the wood. Even the classical wood can vary according to the area tradition is pulled from, most frequently it seems to be birch as "the wood", but others are mentioned in various historical documents.

Today in some towns and villages a mummer called Jack in the Green (drawing from the Green man), wears a costume made of green leaves as he dances around the May pole. Mumming is a dramatic performance of exaggerated characters and at Beltane the characters include Jack in the Green and the Fool. The Fool, and the Fool's journey, symbolism can be understood in relation to Beltane as it is the beginning of beginnings, the emergence from the void of nothingness (winter), as one can also see the role of the green man as the re-greening of the world.

Traditionally in many areas Morris dancers can be found dancing around the Maypole. Morris dancing can be found in church records in Thame England going back to 1555. Morris dancing is thought to have originated many centuries ago as part of ancient religious ceremonies, however it seems that Morris dancing became associated with Mayday during the Tudor times, and its originating history is not all that easily traced, as is the way with many traditions.

The Maypole dance as an important aspect of encouraging the return of fertility to the earth. The pole itself is not only phallic in symbolism but also is the connector of the three worlds. Dancing the Maypole during Beltane is magical experience as it is a conduit of energy, connecting all three worlds at a time when these gateways are more easily penetrable. As people gaily dance around and around the pole holding the brightly colored ribbons, the energy it raises is sent down into the earth's womb, bringing about Her full awakening and fruitfulness.

In Padstow, Cornwall, Beltane morning a procession is led by the "obby oss" a costumed horse figure, in a large circular banded frock and mask. The procession is full of song, drums and accordions. Professor Ronald Hutton of Bristol University points out that the first account of the Padstow May Day 'Obby 'Oss revelries was written in 1803. He offers evidence however that, like English Morris Dancing, its origins lie in English medieval times. This does not discount the possibility that its roots lay in the foundation of the fertility rites of Beltane, a more politically correct transmutation of fertility acts.

There is also a Queen of May. She is said in many areas to have worn a gold crown with a single, gold leaf at its front, in other areas her crown was made of fresh flowers. She was typically chosen at the start of the Beltane festival, which in time past was after sundown on the eve before Beltane day. Many accounts mention both a May Queen and King being chosen, whom would reign from sundown the eve before the Beltane day to sunset on Beltane. Among their duties would be to announce the Beltane games and award the prizes to the victors. The rudimentary base of this practice can be drawn back to the roots of Beltane festivities, the union of the Goddess and Her Consort, the joining of earth and sun, the endowment of summer. The Goddess has many guises: Danu - The Great Mother, Blodeuwedd (the Flower Bride), Isolt (Iseult, Isolde) and many, many others. The consort can also take many forms including the Green Man, Cernunnos or Tristan.

As Beltane marks this handfasting (wedding) of the Goddess and God, it too marks the reawakening of the earth's fertility in its fullest. This is the union between the Great Mother and her Young Consort, this coupling brings new life on earth. It is on a Spiritual level, the unifying of the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine to bring forth the third, consciousness. On the physical, it is the union of the Earth and Sun to bring about the fruitfulness of the growing season.

It is customary that trial unions, for a year and a day, occur at this time. More or less these were statements of intent between couples, which were not legally binding. The trial marriages (engagements) typically occurred between a couple before deciding to take a further step into a legally binding union. It seems ancient wisdom understood that one does not really know another until they have lived with them, and when you live together things change and we change, as well. With this understanding unions were entered upon, first as a test period, and then if desired, a further commitment could be taken. It through always knowing that it is only through the choice of both to remain, that the relationship exists favorably.

May, however, according to old folklore is not a favorable time for marriages in the legal and permanent sense. There is reference after reference in the old books of this belief, and according to my Irish grandmother, May is not the month to marry, woe is to had by those who do. I can understand the premise of this folklore, May is the Goddess and God's handfasting month, all honor would be Hers and His.

Water is another important association of Beltane, water is refreshing and rejuvenating, it is also imperative to life. It is said that if you bathe in the dew gathered before dawn on Beltane morn, your beauty will flourish throughout the year. Those who are sprinkled with May dew are insured of health and happiness. There are other folk customs such as drinking from the well before sunrise on Beltane Morn to insure good health and fortune.

The central color of Beltane is green. Green is the color of growth, abundance, plentiful harvest, abundant crops, fertility, and luck. White is another color that is customary, white brings the energies of cleansing, peace, spirituality, and the power to dispel negativity. Another color is red who brings along the qualities of energy, strength, sex, vibrancy, quickening, health, consummation and retention. Sun energy, life force and happiness are brought to Beltane by the color yellow. Blues and purples (Sagittarius energies: expansion, Good Fortune, magic, spiritual power, Success), and pinks (Venus energies). Beltane is rich in vibrant color, lighting the eyes and cheering the Spirit as we leave the dreariness of winter behind.

It is customary to bake a colorful fruit and spiced filled bread for festivals in the Celtic lands, traditionally this festival bread is sweet dough made with sweetmeat and spices. In Scotland they are the bannock - Bonnach Bealtain - for Beltane, in Wales - Bara Brith, Ireland it is Barm Brack and in Brittany Morlaix Brioche. For Beltane this bread was made the eve before Beltane day, is it said that the bread should not allow it to come into contact with steel during preparation (steel is harmful, deadly to the faery folk).

Bannocks are actually uncut scones originally cooked on a griddle. Wheat does not grow well in the Highlands, originally bannocks were made with oat or barley flour made into dough with little water and no leavening. Traditionally, a portion of the cake was burned or marked with ashes. The recipient of the burnt cake jumped over a small fire three times to purify and cleanse him or herself of any ill fortune. Offerings of bannocks and drink are traditionally left on doorsteps and roadways for the Faeries as an offering, in hope of faery blessings.

May is the month of sensuality and sexuality revitalized, the reawakening of the earth and Her Children. It is the time when we reawaken to the vivid colors, vibrant scents, tingling summer breezes, and the rapture of summer after a long dormant winter. It is a time of extraordinary expression of earth, animal, and person a time of great enchantment and celebration.

The excitement and beauty of Beltane can not be better expressed than through the gaiety and joy of our children. There is not doubt "spring fever" hits at Beltane, and hits hard. Children are full of unbridled energy charged up and ready to go! Children always amplify the seasonal energies and the thrill of their change, they bring richness and merriment wherever they go.

It is the child's unrestrained expression of bliss and delight that is what Beltane is all about. It is the sheer joy of running through fields, picking flowers, rapturing in the sunlight, delighting in the fragrance of spring, dancing in the fresh dew covered grass. Our children guide us through the natural abandonment of our adult sensibilities and show us how to take grand pleasure, warmth and bliss from the gift of Beltane.

Blessed Beltane to you and yours!

Christina Aubin

Tarot Readers & Free Will

As a Tarot reader, I from time to time am faced with the issue of reading people's future; I would like to clarify a few key issues, first regarding my readings, and then regarding other readers in general.

Let me first start by trying to describe 'the future' as I see them. Yes, I said them - for there is no one future. As the present slips into the next moment there are infinite possibilities spread out before you, and the future takes form based on the actions you take in the now.

Whether you go down Avenue A or Avenue B determines which future unfolds before you. If you answer the phone or let it ring to voice mail, determines how your future shapes up. It is the choices you make now that determine what path you move down next. This is rather elementary I believe, many people understand time is fluid and it has no beginning and no end, and it is shaped by the choices, thoughts, and actions we make.

My readings are intuitive. I am a developing Clairvoyant, but the bulk of my talent is clairsentient - I have clear sense. I feel, and smell and taste, and often see through those senses but not in an ocular way; I see via my internal mechanisms. It is hard to describe to anyone who isn't clairsentient I guess.

The way I see time is like a spiders web, with all strands and filaments branching out from the center. The present moment is the center of that web, and the future possibilities are the webs which weave outwards from the center.

When I give a reading and sense (or occasionally see) a glimmer of a possibility down spider strand A, I can then begin to give guidance towards or away from the situation, depending on if the situation is positive or negative. I do not (and I cannot stress this strongly enough my friend) commit you to that possibility as the only future - I do not want to take such great liberties with your free will. So I may mention "you may want to avoid ______" or put in a "pursuing ______ would be adventageous right now" but I will never say you MUST or MUST NOT. It's simply bad manners. And beyond that, it's false logic

If the future is determined by the choices we make in the present moment, then the only person who can truly determine your future is YOU.

What I do is help guide you towards the brightest path you can take. And I do this by connecting to your Spiritual energy, and Guides/Angels, to determine what blocks you, and needs releasing, and what would best serve you, and deserves your attention. This is how I read; I deal in upliftment, affirmation, accentuation of gifts and abilities you have, and an overall redirection of purpose through helping you to really and truly step onto the path of peace and joy in your life.

Years ago I was told by my own Guides to "give them back to themselves" through my Tarot readings. And that is what I humbly and hopefully attempt to do with each reading I give.

Other readers, however, deal on a different level of energy. There are too many readers out there trying to build up their own ego's, and wallets, through manipulation. These are the readers that deal in black and white future outcomes, who tell you what WILL happen. They are not telling you what will happen, they are telling you what they want you to believe will happen, and 99% of the time the client buys it, and sets their own future in stone by decided to take those steps which the reader has pin pointed. I see it often enough in clients who come to me wounded by past readers.

You must try to understand how infinite time truly is, and know that there is no one future. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just trying to mystify you into becoming a minion of their low level energy vampirism.

Many readers exercise this cruel type of manipulation, and most of them aren't aware of the game they play; they are so bogged down by their own ego they know not what they do. They have gifts of sight or sense, but rather than pursue a pure path of sharing that gift for the betterment of others, they pursue it for payoff; that payoff is usually about feeling powerful.

How do I know this? I once walked that road, many years ago. There is a rush and a high felt when one hands you their power. And Tarot clients are as human as anyone else, willing to give up their free will in order to be told the future.

Please learn to discern the difference between a spiritualist who is using you, and a spiritualist who is useful to you.

A Tarot reader should be like a financial adviser; someone who gives you some tips to help you make the wisest choices you can, someone who can forecast trends and crashes, who can help you to invest your energy and time and efforts wisely.

And that is all. We are not to become gurus or lifelines. We are meant to be confidantes, and friends.

I do hope you will discern in all things in life, for your free will is the most precious gift you can have on Earth, and your choices are what set you apart from all others. Choose wisely, and follow your heart.

The Hole in the Road

It has been some time since my last blog entry; I must admit I had considered giving it up as I felt I had reached a wall. However the urge to write hits again and here I am, comfortably manifesting thought into written word as though nary a day has passed. Comfort; there is a soothing quality in familiarity that the human spirit yearns for. Perhaps it is why we choose the safe road more often than not, and opt to remain rooted in our every day repetitive lifestyles. If life is but a dream please don't wake me, I am content within my slumber.

I am two days away from my spinal revision surgery, which I've talked about elsewhere here with regards to my spinal diseases. I have waited over four years for this big day, impatiently, and with something far reaching from grace. Yes, I have found myself resorting to complaint often enough to feel some shame at acknowledging my own lack of faith in the uniformity of the Universe. And yet, I do have faith as deep as the ocean; sometimes it's well buried beneath mountains of worry and hubris.

I have been riding a perimenopausal wave of hysteria in the last week, expecting much more of me and mine than a soft soul would; feeling the ebb and flow of anxiety wash over me like cold prickling needles. The fear has set in and I have finally looked it in the face. While I have been waiting for, and anticipating this life altering surgical procedure, I have altogether neglected looking at the whole picture. This is a critical surgery which holds the very keys to my liberty; a six to eight hour sleep on a surgical table will determine the physical outcome for the rest of my days in this body.

If all goes well, I will regain my ability to walk without crippling and deforming pain.

If all does not go well I will remain stooped, hunched, relying upon canes and walkers to move small distances. And eventually the erosion of my spinal cord will result in a wheel chair for legs.

And the pity party ensues. And it gives me great pause as I remember all I have learned in the last thirty years of this journey of conscious spiritual awakening. I am such a wonderfully foolish woman.

While flipping through the tv channels a few days ago I fell upon a PBS special by Dr. Wayne Dyer, called Wishes Fulfilled, and near the beginning he made such a powerful analogy in which he paraphrased a dearly departed friend of his; I would like to share it with you.

His friend was given five cue card sized pieces of papers, and asked to use each piece to write a short version of the five chapters of her life. Her creation was beautiful. On the first paper she wrote:

Chapter 1: I walked down the road, never saw what was coming and fell into a hole. I was angry, bitter and blaming. It took me a long time to get out.

Chapter 2: I walked down the road, I a saw the hole, I fell in. I was angry. How could anyone leave a whole this size here? How come they did not fix it? Why don’t they have it blocked off  . . . It took me a long time to get out.

Chapter 3: I walked down the road, I saw the hole and I fell in any way. This time I knew it was of my making. This time it took very little time for me to get out.

Chapter 4: I walked down the road. I saw the hole. This time I walked around the hole and continued on down the road.

Chapter 5: I walked down a new road.

Don't we all do this? Rather than learn from our mistakes, we punish ourselves for them, and yet end up repeating them in some context or another. It is human nature, we simply have a very difficult time putting a stop to damaging cycles in our behaviours and thought processes, and we battle victimization and pity rather than seeing the blessing in learning from negativity.

Fear has taught me so many wonderful lessons in my life; and if you're a regular reader of my blog you know I have weathered panic disorder for the most part of my adult life, so I have had my share of fear and worry. Yet I keep falling into the hole, even though I see it. And then I blame it on circumstance.

I am so human.

In two days I will surrender my will and my body to a man I have absolute faith in; he knows his profession and I have no doubt he will do his utmost best to repair my damaged lower spine. I will commune with Spirit and the Mother (I am not comfortable with "god", I talk to the life energy in the Universe, and I call her Mother, as I am more at home in the vision of an omnipotent maternal being who would hold me to her bosom in warmth and nurturing) and put my will to rest for a spell. And then I will awaken, sore, groggy, displaced, and alive.

If you may, please spare a blessing for me on Friday. But more than this, please spare a blessing for my daughter, and my husband, who have spent so much time in this last year caring for me, helping around the house, and taking on more responsibility as my ability to move has declined. Put them in your thoughts with care and compassion, as they worry for me, and resume a normal daily life as I convalesce in the Hospital. And then send a blessing into the Universe with a simple "thank you" on my behalf, as I indeed am and will be eternally grateful for the blessings in my life.

I am glad to return to this endeavour  I do hope you will enjoy this journey with me as it continues onwards, ever onwards.

With all my humility and ever-present love,

Do No Harm!!

The Wiccan Rede is based upon ancient Pagan traditions and moral codes. And I swore an oath to the Mother Goddess many many years ago while in my treasured Coven; it was simply this?

These Eight Words the Rede Fulfill:

"An Harm Ye None, Do What Ye Will."

This is my code and creed, and in the moments of human weakness I have experienced in which I have violated any aspect of this charter, I have made amends - humbly, sincerely and with great repentance.

You see, I value life, and truth, and the human process of Awakening and evolution. I do not like to hurt or cause others harm of any type. Some call me a tree hugger, others think I'm "quirky" or "emotional". But the truth is quite simple: I am kind. I have a very active conscience and wrong-doing on my part doesn't go un-noticed or un-punished. Karma seldom has a chance to step in when I cause another harm, as I am quick to catch my own malice and apologize where necessary, and make good where accepted. I do not see any value or validity in causing any amount of pain to another person.

Sure, there is tough love, but even that is an area in which I tread lightly, as I humbly don't see where my hubris is useful in helping another person see a life lesson through a tough shove.

And yet, in my life it is apparent that people find it quite easy to be critical, judgemental and even cruel on occasion, and I am aware it is because I am so open, and so honest; this makes me vulnerable, as well as an "easy mark". I will always try to find the gentlest way out of any negative situation, but even the tamest of mama bears has claws, and her limits.

The Lying Lawyer

A few years ago I was working in a law firm on a temp assignment which showed promise to become permanent. I was enjoying the work, and learning so much; I was eager to go in every day and learn something new. I worked first for a real estate attorney who was out of town for a week. When that assignment was done I was asked to go upstairs to meet the Wills and Estates attorney and was informed his Legal Secretary was going on sick leave in three weeks and needed a replacement. I was elated! This was a very tender area of law which I was drawn to as it gave me a direct opportunity to assist people who were dealing with bereavement issues, or people who were planning the future of their children etc.

The lawyer himself was a kindly man, and I enjoyed his soft-spoken demeanor. His legal secretary stayed on training me, and the last work day before the Easter long weekend, as I was rushing some documents downstairs to the mail room I felt something twinge in my left knee; the knee that had previously dislocated seriously on a couple occasions. I got back to my desk and sat down and rubbed it; it was swelling and it hurt quite a bit. My trainer saw me and asked what was wrong; I explained what had happened, and the lawyer I was subbing in for was within earshot. They acted concerned, but it was end of day and the offices were clearing out, so everyone made for the parking lots.

Over the weekend my knee ballooned up and I ended up in ER. They asked if it was work related and I said yes, but told them not to start a claim for compensation as I was sure I wouldn't miss any time. First mistake.

The next week I showed up to work on crutches; and everyone made perfunctory ooh's and aah's as I explained that I had stepped down the stairs and something had twinged. But I did my best that week. But after a week of hobbling here there and everywhere, I was at my limit. In fact, I was at my emotional boiling point too, as the lawyer I was working for had the audacity to come to me late morning, hand me money and send me to the deli across the road to get his lunch. On crutches.

I went back to the ER the next weekend, they told me I had likely torn a ligament and ordered an MRI. I was told to stay off it - end of discussion. At this point I called my temp agency to inform them and was told I was no longer required at the law firm. Okay...

As I found out I had torn my LCL (lateral-co-lateral ligament) in my knee and would need surgery, I opted to open the Compensation claim; I would require income over the coming months. My claim was rejected, and when I called to find out why, I was told quite snidely that the lawyer I worked for informed the board I had NOT injured myself at work. I was shocked, and told her there were people at the firm to back this up, but she informed me she did not need to back it up, he was a lawyer and she was taking his word above mine. Case closed.

I opted not to appeal the decision, out of a fear of raking muck. In hindsight, it was a cowardly decision. But... do no harm.

The Conniving Co-worker

A couple of years ago a new co-worker at my on again off again job of nearly 5 years informed my supervisor and general manager that I had threatened her with physical violence. Absurd! I cannot even kill a spider, I would never utter a threat to anyone, I only know how to duck, or assume the fetal position - I am NOT a violent person. I was in tears, absolutely gutted by this. It turned out she just didn't like me, and had made up her mind about me before she even met me based on the loose lips of a very immature and ignorant co-worker who had told her some stories about me in advance of us meeting. And even after this horrendous attack on my character, I attempted to remain civil and courteous in the work place. It is who I am - do no harm.

My Invisible Disability

If you're a friend, or a blog follower, you likely have ascertained by now that I am disabled physically. In 1988 I had two second generation Harrington Rods attached to my spine to correct a 56 degree S curvature - scoliosis.

My fusions go from about Thoracic 8 to Lumbar 1. In the last twelve years I have begun to develop pain, which became profound four years ago, and extreme in the last 16 months. I waited 3 years to see the provinces top Revision surgeon, as I need someone familiar with my old hardware. They stopped using the Harrington second Gen. rods in 1990, mine were installed in 1988. Not a lot of surgeons area familiar with the outdated hardware. My surgeon is not only familiar, but the best of the best. Last October 2011, he informed me of my diagnosis's, among them:

• Spinal Stenosis: a narrowing of the Spinal Column (not unusual in Scoliosis patients)
• Degenerative Disc Disease throughout spine - several slipped and protruding discs in neck and upper thoracic above Harrington fusions.
• Osteo-arthritis and early onset Osteoporosis.
• Facets Joint Disease
• Sacro-Iliac degradation and separation
• Hip displacement in right hip due to slanted posture for nearly 30 years due to displaced spine.

I will be extremely lucky to be wheel-chair free in my 60's. 

My surgeon informed me I am not to walk and straight posture is out - slouch. This isn't typical as people are always strongly urged to assume good posture, but in my case straight posture causes further bone-on-bone grinding within the Facets Joints in L1-L4. Every step I take creates pain that is indescribable to anyone who can't relate. The facets in those Vertebrate are completely worn down to nub/nerve and there is bone dust and chip surrounding the area which is very visible in MRI imaging. I walk with a cane to assist me in walking with a stooped posture, which takes some (yet not ALL) pressure off the Facets Joints. I am supposed to use a walker, however the one I have is heavy and I am ashamed to have to use it in public, but my vanity is giving way to necessity as time goes by.

I share this with you, because I feel there are people in my every day life who do not fully understand the depth of my spinal and skeletal issues. These problems are mine, and mine alone, and yet they affect my every waking moment. To hear someone tell me they must have a far higher pain threshold than me because I'm always whining about pain, is a dagger in my heart. How dare anyone try to even presume they have an inkling as to the pain I live with on a daily basis! It infuriates me!

Let me walk you through a typical day in my life, in the last 8-12 months.

I wake up stiff and sore, and generally require 5 minutes minimum to get myself rolled over so that I can attempt to sit up. This takes a great deal of strength as the muscles in my back protest at the action. Once I am up it is a stilted dash to the kitchen for my medications. I take all except the pain killer, as I do not like to drive with it in my system, so I take one to work with me, to take as soon as I get there.

I spend 6-7 hours stooped over a soldering bench at work, assuming postures which are uncomfortable and painful. My nerves start to scream out about 2 hours after I take the pain killer and the effects of my nerve blocker and muscle relaxants wear off. I usually power through it, but on really bad days will take another dose of each.. 

When I get home I must get everything i need to get done quickly before time runs out - and it does run out. I have about 30 minutes in me when I get home, and after that time I must sit, for a very, very long time, on my bed. I cannot sit in my own living room for any length of time, as there is no position which works for me on the furniture. So I pile pillows up on my bed, against the wall, and sit stooped at a 45 degree angle, with my legs propped up on cushions, to get the swelling in them to go down. I take a full dose of meds again and spend a couple hours just recharging. And then the next day I get up and do it all again.

The problem is, I am having a harder and harder time performing these few tasks each day. Simply getting out of bed is taking more of my time and will. Walking to my warehouse from my car is like a marathon. Sitting at my work desk on a crappy little stool with no back support takes all of my will.

No, I know my weaknesses, and can very humbly list them to you here. I am a great many things, but I can tell you with 100% certainty and faith in myself, I have a great and extensive threshold for pain. 

Just because a person is hurting does not mean they aren't coping with it. Just because my face contorts when a nerve twinges, or I let out a moan when a Facet sets on fire, doesn't mean I am a wimp. 

I have lived through two major knee dislocates, where the cap sat on the back of my leg which was in a bent position. I have pushed a 7lb 2 ounce child out of me in 33 minutes flat, the fastest delivery my Midwife ever saw- through sheer power and strength within me. I survived major back surgery at age 16, and will again before age 41. And then there will be more surgeries after that, as my neck requires revision, and my hip will require replacement, as well as my knee. I will be bionic by the time this body is laid to rest.

I may be weak and snivelling emotionally, and burst into tears at the slightest insult or jibe; but I am stronger physically than most people could imagine I am. 

People are so judgemental, and I see women in particular who do this brand of nit-picky bitching; it's so easy to say "you should..." or "if I were you..." when you're not in someone else's position.  But until you walk a mile it's just judgement, and that is so small minded and pointless.

And do no harm; I will continue to live my life by this code, not because it is something right, or something I aspire towards, but because I took a sacred Oath in front of the Mother, and I don't break oaths. So talk about me when I'm not in the room, but trust this: I know it's being done. Make fun of me when I am out of earshot, but know this: I hear every word. And assume you know my body better than I do, and you're nothing but a nit-picking gossipy cow.

That being said, I will go on being me. Heart on sleeve, emotionally charged Piscean woman. It's who I am that makes me strong enough to deal with the weakness in others; the weakness that drives others to put people down. Because karma is a system of equilibrium, it plays no favourites  it simply is a law of checks and balances, and in the end we all live what we judge. I know this first hand, everything I ever judged is what I eventually became. And what a beautiful lesson that has been for me.

It has reiterated to me ten-fold: Do No Harm. What you put out will only come back to you times three, not because of magic, or spells, or intentions - but simply because you sent for it through your own behaviours.