Judgment: The Double Edged Sword

I feel compelled to talk a bit about judgment, and how harmful it is both to the person doing the judging, and the person feeling or being judged.

I've had experience with both spectrum's of judgment, as in my youth I tended towards making my mind up about a person based on externals, like how they looked, or what they did for a living. As I grew up I realized there was far more to a person than what is on the outside. And yet it seems to me that much of our world is so fixated on shallow surface level b.s. And it hurts me. I literally ache for those who are judged, and for the small minds which can't see beyond their narrow scope to see the inner beauty and truth of another.

I know a woman who is just so incredibly negative; everything that comes out of her mouth is a curse word, a negative connotation, a barb, an insult, or a complaint. I rarely hear her say anything positive or uplifting, and to boot she tells lies about her life on a virtual minute-to-minute basis; stupid small lies. I look at this woman and I wonder what it is about her life and herself that makes her so incredibly insecure? Because someone who is secure within themselves isn't going to waste their time by cutting other people down, or building themselves up with ridiculous white lies. And yet, there she goes, every time I am around her, just putting up a wall of putrid judgment, and I can't help but wonder does she honestly believe she is so high and mighty and everyone else around her is stupid or lowly? If she could see herself through my eyes I wonder if it would be enough for her to have a reality check, because what I see is a young girl who needed way more hugs and support and acceptance, who grew into a jaded angry small-minded and bigoted adult.

That form of judgmentality seems to stem directly from insecurity, and it's pretty easy to spot, it doesn't take a mind reader or empath to recognize when someone is puffing up externally in order to hide a weak inner wounded child.

What about judgment that stems from sheer ignorance? Our world is pretty much designed to program the masses into judgment. Programming on tv, advertisements in magazines, on billboards, even the music on the radio is all aimed at building a monument to beauty and pitying ugliness. I'm just so very tired of it. I have a young pre-teen impressionable daughter, and it horrifies me to know that every day I send her off into a society that expects her to conform to the masses ideal of acceptable. So I work hard at keeping her silly, off the wall, and out of the box as best I can. But in the end she will go through what we all went through in our own childhood experiences, and she will judge people for how they look, or where they live, or what they drive, or how they talk. And I hope she'll grow out of it fast enough to realize the folly in such exclusive behavior.

Do we stop for a moment, and really look at a person, into their eyes, past the surface level, and remember that these are living breathing human beings with histories and stories of their own... When do we stop expecting people to be cookie-cutter similar to us, and accept that our diversity is a beautiful thing?

I face judgment frequently, and am used to it, but to be honest it still guts me when I'm faced with it. To look at me from the outside you may see an overweight woman who wears ratty jeans and t-shirts, who gave up on doing anything "stylish" with her hair years ago. You may see a tree-hugger who wears crystals and sometimes looks up to the sky and closes her eyes and smiles to herself, and you may think "what a flake". You may see a scowl on my face, when in fact what you can't see is the pain I live with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As I get into my used vehicle and you see the Handicap parking permit upon the dashboard you may think "oh my, she's so fat she needs to park in Handicap spaces?" and you may completely misjudge me. If only you knew my full story, perhaps you'd change your notions about me. Maybe you'd realize I have lived a full and very colorful life, having traveled, explored various religious and spiritual belief systems, and maybe you'd be shocked to know that my weight isn't the cause of my handicap, but rather a symptom. If you saw the scar that runs from my neck to just above my buttocks, maybe you'd probe further and learn about my spinal disease, or the four other conditions I've developed relative to my spine in conjunction with the first operation I had in 1988.

If you saw me walking with my cane, my head stooped over, as I was having a bad pain day and was having a hard time keeping the pain from my face, would you think "that woman is in pain" or "what a nasty fat lady".

I urge you to be really honest with yourself when you ask yourself that question, because believe me, we're all prone to impulsive negative judgment calls about people, on a fairly regular basis. And it's hurtful. It's detrimental to your own ability to grow in spirituality and self-awareness, and it is hurtful to those you are judging.

Just because I have spinal disease which severely limits my mobility, does not mean my house is a mess, or my child is not well cared for. In fact I have a very happy family life, and my home may not sparkle as it once did but it is clean, and kept. My spinal diseases do not keep me from working, much to the chagrin of my doctor and back surgeon, however it does cause me to have problems with my neck, my hips, my arms and legs, and I do miss a fair bit of time from work. To someone who doesn't know me well, like the negative lady I mentioned early in this blog entry, I may come across as lazy, or allergic to work. What you may not realize is there are days where I can quite literally not get out of bed, as my back seizes, and my muscles scream in spasm.

And I'll be honest, I am hurt by your judgment. I am a very sensitive woman, and when someone scowls at me when I'm limping with my cane, or I stoop over my shopping cart to let my back have a break, it hurts me deeply.

Next time you find yourself having some random negative thought about someone else, stop yourself, give yourself a good talking to, and then try to replace the negative thought with something kind, genuine, and generous of spirit.

None of us have had perfect lives. None of us have led charmed realities, we've all had hardship, have lost loved ones, have battled health issues, have fallen on hard times financially. We talk about ending the war in Iraq, and creating peace in the middle east. We visibly balk when we hear about highschool bullying, and it sickens us in our communities when we hear that someone has taken their own life due to feeling alone. And yet we don't stop the negative thinking. And so long as we're busy thinking nasty thoughts about others, and feeling superior to those we judge, nothing on this planet will change.

So stop judging, and replace those negative mind-patterns with positive loving vibratory blessings. You'll catch yourself thinking nasty negative thoughts about people or situations several times a day, it's normal, it's hard wired into you because that is just the way our society is. So when you catch it, don't add to it by judging yourself for it - just simply correct it.

Retrain your brain.

And next time you see an overweight woman using a cane, limping and looking miserable, send her a silent blessing for improved health. Next time you encounter someone who dresses differently, or smells badly, or talks differently, or falls into the category of "different" than you and what you currently find acceptable, send them silent blessings for love, peace, and prosperity.

Keep doing this until it is no longer a habit, or a goal, but rather just as natural as breathing.

If we can all take our energy and direct it towards loving others, rather than judging others, then we'll be ready to move towards peace as a global family. Until then we're just acting like a bunch of overgrown school children, pointing fingers at the weaker child on the playground, laughing at someone who we just don't even know, on any level. As grown ups we should be able to say no to gossip, to clique mentality bitch sessions. I know it's easy enough to fall into a pattern of judging others with friends, or peers, and yet it we could remember to walk a mile in the shoes of the one we judge... So make it your mandate to walk a mile, and tend to your own life.

Thank you for hearing me out, I really needed this off my chest and conscience. Judgment takes a heavy toll on every one of us. I promise to do my part, I hope you will too.

Happy Holidays!

I was raised in a Christian household, by a Catholic mother and a Presbyterian father. But my mother had evolved to a point in her spirituality that she didn't let the church dictate her worshiping methods, and my father was basically agnostic.

My parents let me choose my own path from an early age, and I explored the Christian church through my childhood and teens, then branched out to explore Wicca, Buddhism, Taoism and eventually settled into a personal set of Pagan ideals and values.

But in my own home, we still put up a Christmas tree, and my child received gifts from Santa every year growing up. My husband is Jewish, and not at all religious, and he never really cared about how I chose to celebrate the Yule season, so I was free to put up a tree, light the Menorah and combine beliefs to my own desire.

I have always been aware to the fact that December is not just for Christians, and in fact the holidays were celebrated for thousands of years before Christianity began, by Pagan peoples who celebrated Yule, and the Winter Solstice. The season is a festival of Lights as it is the longest period of night through the year, and this is why there are lights on a Christmas tree, why we light a Menorah in the Jewish faith. Each belief system has incorporated Lights into their own celebration and this is again an ancient Pagan ritual of celebrating Light during a dark time of year.

I say Merry Christmas to my Christian friends and family. It does not hurt me to do so. I also wish my Jewish friends and family Happy Hanukkah. I have no trouble saying Happy Kwanzaa, or Blessed Ramadan to people observing those faiths. And it would do me absolutely no harm to say happy Bodhi day or blessed Hogmanay.

Why do we make such a big deal about the words we use??? By saying "Happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are we killing Christianity? Or are we respecting that not everyone on the planet worships in the same way, nor should we expect them to?

The holidays are a special time to each individual in their own way, and everyone has their own family traditions, and special plans at this time of year. Rather than butt heads about something as ridiculous as a simple two word greeting, just live and let live. Celebrate as you wish to, and let others do the same thing.

We have a long history as a species of hurting one another over our differing beliefs. Millions and millions of people have died throughout our history on this planet simply because they chose to call their beliefs by different names. But ultimately, we all believe in something mysterious - a higher power - doesn't matter what name that being goes by - what matters is that you put your spiritual teachings where your mouth is. Live and let live. Don't cram your beliefs down the throat of others, and yet remain open minded, knowing that God does work through each and every one of us.

No one on Earth knows it all, has all the answers. At best, we are taught what to believe by our parents, family, and society. Remember that, at this time of year when generosity of spirit and peace on Earth are the things we sing about as we gather amongst family and friends and loved ones.

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noelle, Blessed Hogmanay.... no matter what you're celebrating, may you be blessed and surrounded by love.

Fortune Cookie Affirmation

The healing began middle of last week, and this weekend it has been fortified and amplified to the point of utter humility and gracious love.

I spent two hard weeks looking at myself in the most stark light of critical judgment as possible. It was painful; depression always is. It is also an isolating experience for anyone to have. And yet, it is important to go through it, and not just get through it. I had to face some things which I wasn't even aware of on an external level; Spirit gave me the opportunity to weed through some tangles within my psyche to get to a very guarded and dark spot within my heart.

I went to bed early last night, belly full of Chinese food, heart full of joy at a day spent with my family in peace, laughter, with joy. A day of efficiency and cleansing and winterizing together left me feeling quite satisfied, and I drifted off some time after 11pm. I woke this morning, realizing the clocks had been turned back an hour, so it wasn't actually 6am, but 5am. And I tried to go back to sleep but it was obvious within minutes that wasn't going to be an option.

So feeling somewhat irked I got up and went into the living room, and with nothing else to do turned on the television. I was just in time to watch a movie, which I've never heard of, which I figured would be some fluff romantic comedy. Quite the opposite; the movie was about me.

I watched myself through the character in the movie, as he helped others deal with trauma and grief, as he extended his loving patience and concern to people he had never met before. He built his life around helping others, and yet all along in the deepest aspects of his emotional self he had never truly grieved for his own losses, and was walking around with a lot of guilt and self-deprecating baggage. It hit home.

I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water, and saw last nights fortune cookies sitting on the counter. And as I reached for one my lip quirked on one side and I actually thought to myself "this is my movie moment". Indeed, profundity comes in small packages sometimes. The message my fortune shared was this:

"You have a deep understanding of other people's needs and feelings."

Tears slid down my cheek as I zeroed in on the most affecting aspect of the message - "other people's"...

So this last couple of weeks, as I have beaten myself up, torn myself down, slithered into the depths of fear and anxiety, languished in self pity and remorse and guilt... this has been such a profound time of healing for me.

You see, you can only go so long giving of yourself to others, before you find yourself empty. And as I said in my previous blog entry I have been busily giving of my resources to others, while near completely ignoring my own needs. And what have I been needing? Just to let go.

Sounds so simple; those three words. Just let go. Four decades of evading the letting go has proven it to be anything but simple for me.

So I'm going to keep this fortune in my pocket today, and keep reminding myself, that it isn't only other people's needs and feelings I should be understanding. My empathy must also turn inwards, and mirror my truth lest I begin to project a holographic image of myself which just isn't true.

Yes, I am frail. I am weak at times. I sob in earnest confusion not quite knowing why I sob. And I am capable of the most audacious shows of polarity. And I would forgive any human being their humanity. And yet I've spent a lifetime punishing myself for my own.

Today fortune graced me in the form of a cookie. And that alone makes me smile in such a way as I haven't in two weeks, and the peace settling within my heart now needs no words. And I am grateful.

Filling Your Own Cup First

Goodness gracious, I am certainly my own worst student, and best teacher sometimes. I have had a lot of time to think since my visit to my back surgeon yesterday; as my previous post indicated, I have been diagnosed with a spinal disease, which has been causing me a lot of spinal chronic pain for over a decade. Yesterday I jumped automatically to fear, panic and sorrow. I am a firm believer in letting emotions out, and expressing ones self honestly, this is just the most healing and natural thing I can think to do with the energy of our internal mechanisms in motion (EnergyInMotion: E-Motion).

Being the constant and incessant thinker, reflector, and contemplator that I am, I have cycled through so many feelings, thoughts and internal issues in the last 36 hours. It hurt, so badly at first; the pain was deep and just so potent. And as always, the hindsight that kicks in after a whirlwind experience gave me a huge sigh of relief and self-understanding.

When I spoke with my mother on the phone today we spoke of my initial scoliosis surgery in 1988. I was 16 at the time, and I honestly thought nothing of it. I had the courage of youth, and just knew I'd be okay, it wasn't a big  deal, I didn't let it phase me for a moment. Even the 9 month recovery period was simply "boring" to me at that age. We talked about how I am not a teenager anymore, and my fear became clearer to me as we spoke...

I mulled it over back and forth today, and then spoke with my family physician this evening, and came to realize that as an adult, I have never properly acknowledged the massive changes my initial surgery made on my life. As a Pisces, I'm naturally very emotional and sensitive, and very ready to move on and not hold on to things, I may become emotional quickly and with great fervor, however I let things go and move on quite wonderfully. And yet, I realized today for the first time in the 23 years since my surgery that there are things within me which I have held on to, and not let go of.

I was a competitive swimmer before my surgery; and during the 9 month recovery put on 30 pounds, which made me feel too insecure to get back into the pool. I can look back now and clearly see the spiral that insecurity created in me, as each year I put a little bit more weight on. Now I am nearly 40 years old, and extremely overweight. I hold regret within me for not getting back into the pool at the age of 17, getting back in shape, and back into competitions again. Before my surgery my swim coach was grooming me for Barcelona, and yet all of that fell to the wayside as I put on weight, and I just let those dreams go.

So I delved deeper into my psyche and came up with so much rich introspective information about myself, my life, how I feel about who I am, how I developed panic disorder, where my fears began to hold me back from truly living my life. And then the biggest truth of the day hit me:

I am so inclined and honored to help others, to give Tarot Readings, and lend Spiritual council and consultation. And yet, when it comes to me, myself, I feel rather selfish to spend time working on my own aches and karmic wounds.

So I thought about my cup;

The psyche is a deep and unfathomable thing at times, and to shine a light on an internal issue and glean a terrific piece of self-awareness is a gift. I realize with such tremendous force that I have told countless clients and friends and families through the years the importance of filling ones own cup first, lest they not have enough to share with those in their lives. The visual is simple; you see yourself standing at a fountain pouring out rich clear cool cleansing water. You stand before this fountain with your cup half full, and everyone you love and care for, everyone who relies upon you or requires something of you is standing behind you, holding up their cups begging you to give them some water. But if your cup is only half full, you will only be able to share so much of your water with a few people before your cup is empty. So it is imperative to fill your own cup first, so that you will be better fit to help those in your life.

I have not been filling my own cup, and it has caused me some great stress and disconnect.

So I am going to fill my cup where possible. I'll be honest, I am very frightened of having further back surgeries, I am not 16 anymore, and I know recovery will be difficult at my age. And I'll be even more honest, and tell you with all humility that I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. When I had surgery at 16 I thought nothing of it. Now I can barely think of anything but this, and how it will affect my family, my job, my online business, my clients, and the thought of all the cups I won't be able to help fill while I'm laid up really scares me.

And there's my gem. Do you see it? I know it's human, and normal and quite natural; we worry so much about how we impact everyone around us, we often don't put ourselves first. My fear yesterday had more to do with all of the expectations I have of myself as a wife, a mother, a reader, an employee...

So I stand here, cup slowly filling, as I promise myself that everyone in every aspect of my life will understand, and support me, and encourage me. I am not letting anyone down. And I am not a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, or spiritual facilitator, because I too AM human, and my physical body requires some tuning up.

And it is okay for me to take some time to prepare for this journey I'm about to take. It's okay for me to focus on getting into physical shape for the one or two surgeries I'll be having in the next one to two years. It's okay for me to have moments of anxiety and wonder "what if". It is more than okay to worry about the unknown.

In a nutshell, it is okay for me to be me. So I won't make any more excuses, or statements of apology for my honesty, or requests for your understanding when I feel I'm stepping on toes. I am embarking upon a new voyage and I hope you'll be here with me every step of the way, giving me your advice, your friendship, your insights and wisdom. I hope that you'll grow with me, as we move through the mysteries of each new moment. I hope we can begin to really look within ourselves together, as individuals, to the places we neglect, to the parts of our inner "child" who has some reckoning yet to do.

Because we're worth it. I love you my dear friends, followers and readers. I thank you for taking your precious time and reading my thoughts and ideals. And I cordially invite you to the next phase of this blog-venture, as each new entry is like a new day.

With all of my Love, I'm going to fill my own cup now.

My Spine: Finally, Results

Let me apologize in advance: This entry will be far from Divine or enlightened, please consider yourself duly warned. I am in a really blue place right now, and need to express my feelings in order to let them go.

As you may know, I have been waiting for over 3 years to see a back surgeon about my agonizing back pain. I have scoliosis, and in 1988 had two Harrington rods placed on my spine from T5 to L2 along my back. About 12 years ago when I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter my back started to hurt more often than usual. And through the years it has become increasingly painful.

In the last three years it has become crippling, limiting my mobility to the point where I really do not participate in any activity aside from sitting, standing for short periods, and walking for very short distances. I have put a lot of weight on as a result of this, and yet any time I have attempted to exercise the pain has been too profound to continue.

Today, after three stressful years of waiting I finally saw the back surgeon. The appointment was humiliating from the beginning, as his student assistant told me within the first 5 minutes of consulting with me that smoking was degenerating my spine. I sat in abject horror with my jaw hung open looking at him with shock as the tears began to flow down my cheeks. I felt myself getting tense all over, and he laughed at me (he actually laughed at me!) and said "why are you crying we are only just getting started?" and I let go... I told him that I've been waiting 3 years to see the surgeon, living in daily chronic pain, waiting to be seen regarding my scoliosis, my fusions, looking for a way to get my life back, and he is going to lecture me about smoking??

I lost it. He shut up quite contritely and went over my x-rays and tested my reflexes and said that I have considerable degeneration in my neck, leading to osteoporosis, and then said I was in the beginning stages of flat-back syndrome. This is what we've suspected all along.

So he left and I waited to see the surgeon himself, trying to cool down, stop crying, quell my already enraged ego response to this cocky medical student.

When the doctor came in he gave his student crap immediately as the student referred to my rods as "Hannigan" rods again, and he actually said "they are HARRINGTON rods, get it right!" to the student. I was shocked he gave his student crap in front of myself and my husband.

He talked turkey, which isn't always effective with an extraordinarily sensitive Pisces, but I listened and responded and the conclusion left me bawling like a baby. In fact I still feel so very blue, yes I'm having something of a pity party right now.

I am being scheduled for an MRI to get a better look at everything other than the bones themselves, and I am being scheduled for a cortisone shot in my lower back, as well as regular Marcaine shots (Marcaine is like Novocaine, it is a local anesthetic) into the affected area. I have something he called Facets Disease, which basically means that the bones that jut out of each vertebrae are grinding together, due to the stress my Harrington rods are putting on my lower back, and this is why I am in abject pain when I try to walk.

This image shows the Facets (which are the bulgy parts attached to the discs), the left image shows how your spine looks when bending forwards, the right image shows the spine bending backwards. Apparently because of the pressure my spinal fusions has put on my lower back, my facets have been grinding together for 23 years, and now I can only walk stooped forwards, as the picture on the left shows. My facets are swollen, degenerative, arthritic and causing the bulk of my pain he said. 

Eventually this area will be surgically fused to stop the facets from touching, but for now, in the next year or two, the outcome is this: Stop walking.

I sobbed. I never in a million years thought a surgeon would say these words to me. He suggested I get a walker and use it in my every day travels, but avoid walking where possible. He said to never try to maintain good or proper posture, as it is impossible for my spine to allow for this, so the stooped over way I stand and walk is what he wants me to keep doing. That blew my mind. And after I have the MRI and have another visit to him we will talk the next steps.

The next steps are basically this: Surgery. He wants to fuse the L1-L5 vertebrae together to stop them from causing friction upon one another and slow the deterioration. I already have advanced arthritis in my spine, the bulk of it there in the lower discs, as well as a steady movement towards osteoporosis in my neck - nothing can be done about that aside from yet more surgery to fuse the discs in place.

So I'm looking at a life of using a walker, which is honestly embarrassing to me, to go anywhere that requires me to take more than 20 steps at a time. I am looking at surgery again, on my back, which is honestly terrifying to me, I've had this done before, and I am not 16 anymore... recovery time absolutely makes me shake in anxiety and fear. And for now he actually encourages me to remain bed-ridden, with bad posture, and to avoid sitting, and standing as much as possible.

In a way its a load off my mind, because now I have a diagnosis, and I know what's been causing me this pain. I know that it's not all in my head, and that something can be done eventually, but the getting there scares me. I have to quit smoking first of all, he insists I be smoke free for a year before he'll even consider surgery, which I can handle. I told him I'd quit today if it would give me my mobility back. And I have some very low impact stretching exercises to do while laying in bed, which I can handle. But the waiting is going to kill me. I have no idea how long I'll be waiting for injections, for an MRI, for my follow up appointment. All of these variables that i have no control over...

And my crystal child came up to me about 20 minutes ago and said "Mommy just be like Max (our dog) and live in the moment. Don't worry about the future or the past, just be right here right now". She truly is my angel.

On a positive note, my husband talked to me so sweetly on the drive home from Toronto, and even broke down telling me how special I am to him and our child, and how they'll support me through anything.

So I guess if I have to start using a walker, I should see the blessing that at least maybe I'll be able to walk through a store with my child to buy her something she needs, without needing to stop every 10 steps to realign my back.

I know there are blessings here, I am just so numb right now. So shocked, and disheartened. I knew I wouldn't walk out of there with a quick fix, but to know that through the years my back is only going to continue to degenerate worse, and eventually I'll have that full out osteoporosis swooping neck which puts my chin on my chest... it's hard to take.

I'm scared. I don't know how else to convey it. I believe everything happens for a reason, but I'm just so scared right now. I don't want to be crippled for the rest of my life, but it looks like a possibility. And that just makes me think of everything I can't do with and for my child and husband, and that just makes me feel like a terrible failure.

Sorry to post such a downer of an entry, I truly am, but I committed myself to being honest when I began this blog adventure, and I can't be more honest than this.

I'm sure I'll see the silver lining in time, I always am able to see through the turmoil of my own fear and emotions and I know the wisdom of this will shine through. But in this moment I am petrified, and feeling very very sad.

Coping with Anxiety & Panic

One of the goals I had in mind when I created this blog was to help people who are endeavoring to live a spiritual life to cope with integration, assimilation and balancing of the spirit with the physical. We are, after all, physical beings living very 3D physical lives, however we experience so much more than just what we can see and touch as we wander through our spiritual journeys.

It doesn't really matter what you believe personally, because my own beliefs are rather broad and universal, and I do believe that what I share is aimed at anyone at all, no matter what beliefs are held. Whether you're Christian, Buddhist, Wiccan or Mormon, I believe we're all compelled by the same basic truth: a connection to Spirit. It doesn't matter what we call spirit, how we address it, whether we're following the teachings of Jesus, or Mohammed, or Ashtar or Cerridwyn; we are all drawn to the beautiful mystery of spirit both within us, and all around us.

I myself have explored and studied many world religions in an attempt to better understand myself in relation to Spirit as I understand it. So while I don't go to church every Sunday, or observe the Sabbats with a coven, I am equally respectful towards all religions, even the ones I see causing damage to the human soul through dogma and conditioning.

This being said, I'd like to touch on various topics and subjects which transcend belief, and touch us as human beings. And one of these things which I'd like to talk about right now is anxiety. You see, no matter how at peace a person is, as long as we reside within the human biology we are all prone to moments of anxiety. Our brains work in sync with the rest of our bodies, and yet the brain is distributing chemicals throughout all of the time, and regulating the glands as such. And at times these regulatory functions are put off kilter, resulting in what is called "chemical imbalance". I see the medical establishment beginning to open it's eyes as a whole, and accept a lot of new age healing modalities and treatments. And yet I still see spiritualists of all belief systems shying away from modern medicine and pharmacology. I believe that everything serves a purpose, so long as it is in moderation, and Western medicine can work wonderfully when coupled with Eastern philosophy and healing artforms.

So what is anxiety?

Anxiety is not to be confused with fear. Fear is a natural response to the unknown or intimidating, and it is something I do talk about, and will talk about more in this blog. However, today I want to explore anxiety. It can result in fear, and certainly can be precipitated by fear, but it is not fear in and of itself. Anxiety is a physical reaction to a fluctuation of bodily chemical dispersal.

Anxiety is something which is becoming ever more prevalent in our society, and I'm not sure if that is due to the foods we eat, or the schedules we keep, or the lack of sleep we get as time speeds up. In fact I'm not sure anyone knows for sure what the cause is of this increase in global anxiety; but it's clear to me that people are experiencing more anxiety as the years go by.

I myself had the usual or "normal" anxiety most of my life, until about 8 years ago when I had my first full blown "panic attack". I suffered panic attacks for two years, and during that time became agoraphobic due to the multitude of stimuli that were my triggers. I was so afraid and victimized by my panic attacks that I literally locked myself in my house for two years and had very little ability to function outside my home on my own.

My anxiety manifested physically in several ways, the most common of them being:

• increased heart rate
• blurred vision
• hyperventilation
• cold sweat
• chest pain
• sense of impending doom

There were also some uncommon symptoms which were very difficult to live with:

• blacking out
• sensation of being sucked out of my body
• a feeling like my brain literally spinning in my skull

After some time I became aware that this wasn't going to go away on it's own, so I sought the advice of my family doctor. I was encouraged to see a psychiatrist who put me on two different medications. And while the medications did help to lessen the symptoms and attacks, they mostly kept me feeling numb. This wasn't adequate for me, so I began to meditate every day, extensively. And this was when I began to feel empowered again, and rediscover my drive and strength.

I meditated every day for upwards of an hour, and eventually found my voice again, and one day walked into my psychiatrists office and essentially "fired" her, as I did not find her useful, empathetic, or even understanding. I found her cold and clinical, and simply telling her this helped me to feel taller, stronger. And eventually I began to wean off of the two anxiety medications I was taking. Within six months of firing my shrink, I was off the medication, and only using one for onset attacks, as needed. The feeling of empowerment was phenomenal. To this day, I keep a prescription filled for my breakthrough medication, just in case, as I know that there will always be anxiety in my life to some degree or another, and not all of it is simple for me to cope with on my own. But I only need to use the medication once every few months now, which is an incredible turn around for me, as once I took it several times a day.

How to cope with Anxiety?

I'd like to recommend a few methods I used to cope with anxiety and panic attacks, some conventional, and some not so much, but all extremely effective for me, and I'm quite sure they'd help others as well.

1. Talk to your doctor. I advise this to anyone who has worrisome or troubling anxiety or panic attacks. It is important to be open to the advice of your doctor, as there are some very helpful medications which are meant to help you regain chemical balance, and you need not be on them long term.
2. Get real with yourself. This is something that takes time, sometimes years to achieve, and indeed something I recommend to everyone. We all have inner fears, and things from our past which live within the subconscious waiting for us to pay attention to them. As children we stuff things down deep inside, and as adults these things may seem small when seen in the light of day, and yet those feelings from childhood can be as intense when a panic attack begins. So you must be willing to be really honest with yourself; about your motivations, agenda, fears, how you treat people, how you view yourself and your life. The Oracle at Delphi said "Know Thyself" and is truly the best advice that you can give and receive, as it is the key to unlocking true peace in your life. Denial is not a useful component in your life, so get real, and be patient with yourself, because this can take some time.
3. Be open about your anxiety. It's important to talk about your panic and anxiety with the people closest to you in your life. They deserve to know how you're feeling, and you deserve this level of honesty from yourself. So let your loved ones and friends know that you're dealing with some anxiety issues, and that you're working on it. Let them know how they can be helpful during this time with you. I was very honest with my husband when I began to understand my panic disorder, and I would tell him what I required from him while I was in panic mode, so he knew how to best care for me, talk to me, and treat me when I would go into a panic attack. 
4. Meditate and relax every day. It's important to make time for yourself, to just be. Meditation is a wonderful tool for everybody, as it helps you to intake more oxygen which is vital to the brain and blood and major organs. When you meditate you naturally begin to breathe more deeply, and this oxygenation will help you to regain equilibrium faster during an attack. Also, avoid natural triggers such as caffeine, nicotine, and other stimulants like alcohol or overly processed (fast) foods. When you treat the body as a temple and nourish it with love and healthy foods and drinks you will find yourself capable of going longer between "episodes" of anxiety. I love taking baths, and the two year period in which panic was ruling my life was a time of many meditations, and baths. I would play relaxing music, light candles, and meditate in the bath; eventually this became my sacred time and space, and I began to look forward to it every evening.
5. Keep everything in perspective. It's so important to remember the "big picture" when you go into panic mode. So create mantras for yourself, or reminders and sayings. For me, it was incredibly helpful to notice I was beginning to have anxiety, to recognize my breathing was more shallow, and I was feeling more edgy. When I would recognize this and saw an attack was coming on, I would automatically begin to breathe deeply, and tell myself things like "I am ok, there is nothing wrong, this will pass". I would remind myself that I was healthy, and whole, and had family and friends who loved me, and that I was a good person worthy of love and compassion. This always helped me to get through an attack much faster.
6. Stop trying to control everything. I have found most people who suffer from anxiety or panic tend towards being control freaks, myself included. So it is a fundamental truth that panic can help you to learn how to trust, and have faith, because people who try to control do not have a deep sense of faith or trust. Let go your need to be in control, see that it is silly, learn that every moment is perfect as it is, and stop expecting so much of yourself and others. Learn to live and let live, and also to appreciate what you have now. Letting go of your need to control will help you to feel at peace with life the way it is.

You see, if we let the panic attack dominate, then we'll end up thinking incredibly self-defeatist thoughts, and end up exacerbating the attack by falling victim to negativity. So you have to be your own nurse, councilor, and guru; you must treat yourself like you would treat your most cherished loved one.

Panic in relation to Awakening and Enlightenment.

I have had so many people contact me through the years, through my websites and forums, saying things like "I've been meditating for years, and now I'm having anxiety, what am I doing wrong?" and I have to address this, because I see it so often. You must know that the road to self-awareness and awakening is going to have it's share of bumps and dead ends my friend. People who consciously decide to embark upon a life of awakening, and spiritual enlightenment learn along the way that we are such multi-faceted beings, and courage is required to really go all the way with this type of lifestyle, in fact the commitment required to really know yourself is all-encompassing. To know yourself you have to face all your dark, all your shadows; you must be willing to look back on everything you've done in your life and see it for what it is, without justifying your mistakes, or disowning them. You have to be ready to admit your faults, your fears, and your delusions. And it is only natural that people who dedicate themselves to this much honesty and authenticity will from time to time have to deal with issues like depression, or anxiety and panic. 

They say ignorance is bliss, and the road to enlightenment is anything but ignorant or blissful, because there will be things we encounter which challenge our belief systems, and rock the very foundation of our sense of self. It's no wonder we don't end up hyperventilating once in a while, as the body assimilates something the mind and spirit are working on understanding!

So cut yourself some slack, and know that there is nothing "wrong" with you. You are human, and we are very sensitive creatures. It is okay to have fear, to feel insecure, to question yourself and your upbringing and the very morals and principles you were raised with. To expect yourself to face all of this without having moments of weakness is an unrealistic expectation.

Know you're not alone, ever. And if things get too heavy for you to deal with at any given time, then it's time to take a break. I've taken breaks through my life, in which I've put away my cards, crystals and runes, and stopped meditating in order to give myself a rest. You can take in too much too fast, and the body will manifest panic in order to let you know it's time to slow down. So listen to your body, and try to understand that these seemingly negative episodes serve a very beautiful and divine purpose.

How else could you truly understand peace unless you first experienced and understood chaos?

I wish you much love, and infinite blessings on your journey.

My Surgical Adventures

I have so much to share! Today I sit comfortably upon my bed, completely clean of hospital germs, and iodine stains. You know iodine used to be that impossible to remove yellow? Well it's pink now, loving the girly stained skin from stem to stern, however it is delightful to be clean again!

I lay upon the gurney waiting to be taken into the OR yesterday, talking with the anesthesiologist and nurses and surgeons, and just generally enjoying them. They took me into the OR and had me shuffle to the table, which was built for anorexics and stick bugs, and strapped my arms down, which solidified - no turning back now! But there was no way I would have turned back, this Hysterectomy has been a long time coming.

I joked with the people in the OR as they prepped, and warned them that upon waking I would be uber-grateful. My surgeon walked in with her purse on her shoulder and I laughed, asking her if she was going to keep it on while operating? The last thing I remember as the medicine began to take me away to never-never land was saying "ok guys, have fun... but not TOO much fun - that would just be weird". Laughter was the last thing I heard.

I woke up in Recovery unable to breathe, with oxygen on my face, and my mouth completely parched from the breathing tube. And lucky me, I had nurse ratchet. She was the same nurse I had after my gall bladder removal 6 years ago, and she was lucky I was unable to move, as the prevalent thought as she scowled at me was "must smack bitchy nurse..." I pointed to my throat, unable to make much more than a squeaky sound, and said "so dry..." to which she said "WHY are you talking like THAT?!" duh... what a bitch.

I was so pleasantly surprised to find my bed wheeled up to the maternity ward, and put into a semi-private room which I had to myself until well after midnight. I had the most charming nurse named Julie, age 23, fresh perspective, happy to be doing her lifes passion. It is always so beautiful to witness someone walking their true soul path, and Julie was born to heal and help. We bonded immediately and shared so much discussion and laughter together. She was relieved at 7:30 last night and was replaced by the equally charming Gabby. I sent my devoted and worried husband home to tend to our sick child, and relaxed into my bed with my book. Relatively pain free, I felt amazing!

I woke up as they were bringing in my room mate, an elderly lady named Pat who has a horrendous kidney infection. And this is when the gas pain truly began. They pump you full of air during arthroscopic surgery in order to make room to see etc, and the passing of that gas over the following 24-48 hours can be among some of the most profound pain experienced. So I lay there, writhing, aware of the gauze packaging within me, and the horribly painful catheter, and now my right side was on fire with pain. There was a 20 minute tear session as the nurses tended to me. And it was then discovered that whoever had inserted the catheter had done so improperly, and it was poking into my bladder, sideways, and not draining, so basically I was filling up with fluid. My mind went to ratchet... wonder if that cow did actually insert my catheter? If so, karma is a bitch and I wish I could be around to witness it :)

Morphine kicked in and I read some more, until my room mate began to moan in pain, so I got up and went to see if she was ok. Walking around helped ease the gas so I walked between the nursery and Pats bed to check on her. At one point she was shivering so badly that I put my blankets on her bed, as I was quite warm. Her son popped in at 3am and she was sleeping comfortably so I spoke quietly with him for a few minutes and then he left. He thanked me for taking care of his mother, and I realized that it's just who I am. I feel so much better when caring for others.

Now I'd like you to understand readers, my hospital is under massive budget issues, bed shortage, nursing shortage, and generally has a bad reputation in my city. I have had three surgeries there, and have had bad experiences myself, however I've tried to be understanding of the crunch JBMH has been under for years. This procedure was perfect, I enjoyed nearly every minute of it, and enjoyed being able to help Pat get upright to eat her breakfast this morning, and getting her situated with her TV before I left. Nurse Julie popped her head in and asked what I was doing, and I told her I was being a good neighbor, she said I was being a good nurse, and she wasn't going to discharge me! She then said she was hiding my shoes, so I couldn't leave lol. I just loved her to death, and know that young people like this who are so full of joy with what they do, who truly care about people are what the health care profession is all about.

My surgeons came to visit me this morning, and commiserate about what fun I was in the OR. Apparently I am the ideal patient, full of humor and laughter and gratitude. They were so caring, so kind, I really can't applaud my team loudly or long enough!!!

So I'm left feeling very grateful, if not extremely bruised and battered. But I have a wonderfully attentive husband and helpful daughter, so I am in good hands. And I felt the angels around me during the entire procedure, Shanon strongest of all - my soul sister had me cocooned for weeks before, and still sets her etheric Reiki light around me with love and nurturing compassion. I am feeling blessed knowing that so many people have been creating a circle of healing and love around me. None of you go un-noticed, and every one of you are appreciated and loved. I hope that I may return your kindness to you tenfold in your own times of need.

Now to spend the next 3-6 weeks healing. I am to stay off work a minimum of 3 weeks, as I lost more blood than they were comfortable with, and have to take Iron to replenish blood health. I can't drive for two weeks, can't do any heavy lifting, so this next few weeks will be all about relaxing, resting, and counting my infinite blessings.

I said goodbye to my womb, knowing it had created and held a miracle 12 years ago, and that it serves no purpose now. I release this aspect of my fertile body in order to be reborn anew myself. And I do feel reborn, literally.

And now I grow tired again, and am ready to nap again. I hope my experience helps people see that all life can be approached with joy, laughter, and generosity of spirit. When we treat others with the care we wish to receive we are so gratified and our own problems seem so minimal in contrast.

Goodnight friends, until we meet again xoxox

Reflecting: Maiden, Mother & Crone

Tomorrow I go into the hospital to have a hysterectomy after 3 decades of quite horrendous pain, complications, and poly-cystic ovarian disease. A special friend of mine reminded me last week that it is best to cleanse my etheric and physical body in preparation of this surgery, so I'd like to dedicate this blog post to my femininity, in honor of every woman on the planet. I hope you will enjoy my tribute to the wild divine.

Thirty years ago I began to menstruate, and being Christian at the time knew this was my burden to bear, being female; women are the perpetrators of original sin, and our menses was a reminder of our sins. Of course, as I grew up and explored the world, and my own divine within I came to understand that our menses is part of the natural cycles of birth and death in the physical reality of Earth. I also came to understand that menstruation is a blessing of fertility and creation.

At the age of 21 I was diagnosed with PCOD, which attributed to the pain I would get monthly, the dismennoreah, and the tremendous surges of hormone and chemical imbalance. I prepared to live a life childless, as my PCOD was severe enough to render me virtually infertile.

However, at 28 I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy little girl, and 11 years later she is my greatest blessing ever.

So here I am, the night before surgery, with so much to be thankful for, and a lifetime to look back and reflect upon as a woman. My "curse" has been quite a struggle these last 30 years, and indeed there have been many times I've been doubled up in pain in the bath crying over the pain, wishing I'd been born male :) But in the end I beat the odds, carried a child full term, and have managed quite well despite the health issues within my ovaries and womb.

As a Pagan, I can't help but also reflect upon the Goddess at this time. On my own personal journey of the Maiden, to the Mother, heading towards being a Crone, I can crack a smile of irony at the ways I have mistreated myself and my body in my life. As a Maiden I made choices which were not wise, and left me dealing with the consequences well into Motherhood. And yet now, as a Mother, I look back in hindsight and value each experience I've had. I have lived with unbelievable migraines since my late teens and know that the hysterectomy won't necessarily diminish them, but I know that this is just part of what makes me "me".

I give thanks to the Goddess energy, both within and without, and I feel the angelic energies surrounding me at this time and feel peaceful. I have felt the energies for the last week, as ethereal friends and family stand around me creating a wall of Love, and I am humbled to know that I am not alone in this, as I've never been alone at any other point in my life.

All of the times I have felt victimized by my body and the pain it endures have helped me to better value health and well being. And I am reminded that no matter what follows this, I will never have to endure another cramp :)

I release any negativity stored within my womb now, to the Universe. I give thanks to my womanly organs; thanks for carrying my beautiful angel child full term, for helping her come into this world perfect and whole. I am thankful for the wonders I have learned at the tribulation of pain and discomfort. And I am humbled to be a woman in every respect.

Mother Goddess, I feel you with me, and I am awed by your love and generosity. May your blessings remain with me well through surgery and into recovery, that I may regain my strength and return to my daily life in due course.

I give this all to the Universe now, with faith that all is well, always, and in all ways. Divine Love ~ I Am.

Dreams of a Simpler Life

When I was a young lady, around the same age as my now 11 year old daughter, I was as voracious a reader as I am now. I loved getting lost in a book, letting my imagination carry me to other lands, other lives, while developing emotional ties to the characters in my books. There were several series which I truly adored, but one of them stands out most strongly to me, and that was the Little House in the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls-Wilder. I read every book several times, and also watched the television series every week. I would imagine myself as Laura, strong and feisty, exploring my world. Or I would be Mary, meek and intelligent, charming everyone around her. I would get lost in the Prairie while reading, deriving great joy from the stories, and fuming in indignant anger when Nellie Olson would mistreat the Ingalls girls.

Last week our local Christian television station has begun to air the series, from the beginning in order. So I decided I would like to watch it all again; it is like walking through time back into a simpler version of life, and a more innocent version of myself. And of course, the show holds new meaning to me now that I am an adult, as I relate more closely to Charles and Caroline than their children now.

And I am full of yearning when I watch the program every day after work; such a simple time, when family was a tightly knit unit who spent time together caring for the home, working together, tending to chores together. And I find myself drifting off into imagination, as I did when I was a young lady; oh what a wonderfully laborious life the pioneers lived. Yes, they had to work incredibly hard, physical labor to grow their own food, and tend to their own livestock. Travel was done by foot or by wagon or horse, and as a result no one was in much of a hurry at all. What a stark contrast to the lives we live today.

Can you imagine a life where you woke with the dawning sun and spent your day working with your family members towards the productive betterment of your homestead, where you gather round the table together at meal time and talk about your day with one another. Wouldn't it be divine to not have to worry about the phone ringing and interrupting your meal, or being late for school, or about having the latest gadget to simplify your life?

Of course it would be quite impossible to "go back" to that simpler time now, as we've become such a technologically advanced people, and yet my heart surely wishes it were possible to move back through time to experience what our forefathers lived.

If we have any control over our souls destiny, and have some say in when and where we reincarnate in our next expression of physicality I would very much like to go back in time. My ideal reincarnation would take me to the Scottish Highlands in the 13-1600's, to a small rocky cottage upon a hillside which looks down into a crystal clear lake. I go to this place often in my minds eye, in my imagination and meditations. I see a small pen containing fowl, a few sheep, perhaps a cow or two. I see crude implements used for daily chores such as washing up, and cooking. And I see myself surrounded by my family, many children and a husband living in a small stone cottage with a ruddy wooden door. And every day we would work together as a family, as a team, to keep our cottage clean, our bellies fed, sewing our clothing, providing our own fabrics by spending hours at a spinning wheel and loom. The work would be hard, the life would be sparse and humble, and yet the small joys would mean the world to me.

To sit as the sun sets, children tucked into tiny pallets with hand made quilts, husband and I watching the sun go down over the mountains, spending time talking.

This is what my heart dreams of. Simplicity, innocence. Why does mankind fight so hard to advance and evolve? It seems we've lost so much of ourselves in the last two hundred years.

What I wouldn't give to stand on ground unaffected by technology, to look into a night sky unfettered by city lights; how amazing would it be to swim in waters that had never been polluted...

Maybe in the next life :)

Sovereign Parenting

If you're a parent, you have probably run into countless people who are brimming over with parenting advice and tips. A lot of these tips are very useful, and can be added to your own intuitive sense of self as a parent. However, I'm sure you've run across people who offer up advice that just goes against all of your own personal senses. In these cases, I find a smile-and-nod reaction to be the most useful, as I want to be appreciative that others care enough to share advice, and yet I also don't wish to argue or validate their advice in any way. This is because I tend to find many people still holding to very rigid and old-school parenting values which go against my own set of ideals and philosophies. I think it is important, in this world where we are so guided by the media, and social expectations, to have a sense of sovereignty and independence when it comes to parenting.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 11 years old, I knew instantly she was going to be very special. She was a miracle child, defying the doctors and the odds, and was delivered perfect, beautiful, and whole. I have known all along that she is an extraordinary child, and am very aware that to those who don't know our family dynamic closely, we come across as extremely unconventional as a family. We are very unconventional in many ways, and tend to create our own solutions to parenting problems. Something I have encountered through the years is a resistance to my honest communication style with my child; I have found that mostly women do not understand or relate to just how honest I am with my daughter. I have been told "you aren't her friend, you shouldn't be so open" or "she's too young to be so aware of adult situations". This is in reference to finances, and personal matters, as I have always been honest with my child about how her father and I are faring financially; she's known when things have been tight, and she knows when things are more relaxed. She is also privy to our thoughts about the world, global news events, climate and geological occurrences. We do not treat her like a lesser individual; she is simply far too intelligent for us to talk down to, or "dumb down" our discussions.

As a result, she is an extremely bright, socially conscious young lady. She is aware of her personal global foot print, and she can be heard loudly expressing her protectiveness for the Earth, in regards to energy conservation, recycling, and other ecological movements which she is becoming passionate about. She is also in a gifted school program, sharing a class with other children of advanced scholastic achievement. I do believe much of this is due to the honesty we exhibit within our family, as much as it has to do with genetics.

We do not punish our child conventionally either. She was timed out in her toddler years and this was extremely effective, as she even at those tender ages could sit and understand as we explained to her why she was taking time to think about what she had done or said. She rarely made the same "mistake" twice and we feel blessed to this day to have a child who so easily listened and absorbed what we wanted her to know. Now, at this age, on the rare occasions she needs to be held accountable for her actions, we tend to deal with it in "family meetings". These conversations are deep, intimate and honest. We sit together as unit and talk from the heart, explaining from our individual perspectives, and reaching common understandings. As a result, we have a child who is not afraid to come to us with anything, and knows we value her opinion and perspective. She is aware that she is not just our child, but also a member of this family who will one day go off into the world to create her own adult life. She knows that we only wish to guide her, help her, and assist her as she grows up, and we have no desire to make her become someone she is not.

And that is the main key of our parenting style; we are privileged to raise this child, it is not a duty or a chore or a right - it is our pleasure, and one we do not take lightly.

When people tell me how I should punish my child when she expresses herself in a detrimental way, I hear them out, and thank them for the input, but I generally talk to my daughter about it rather than "try it out". The last time this happened she made me so proud, as I told her what some ladies had recommended I do to "punish" her after she forgot to bring home an expensive toy from school, and she said "wow they must have really BAD kids to be so harsh!" That made me laugh out loud :)

She's a crystal child; extremely intuitive, compassionate, sensitive, and also fiery and devotedly loyal. She is extremely intelligent and fair minded, and I consider it a high honor to be her mother. I do not wish to send her out into the world with my ideals or values, and though I do share my beliefs with her, she knows she is free to form her own as she gets older.

All we can hope for as we raise our children in this new age, is to lead by example, gift them with all they require to grow in a safe, balanced, and emotionally and intellectually stimulating environment. We can comfort them, and teach them that it is ok to express love, we can support them, and show them that there is a soft place for them to land when they "fall" in their life experiences. And we can throw away the manual that other people would try to write on our behalf, knowing that their hearts are in good places, yet they are not the parents of our children. Be thankful for the advice you receive, and yet know you do not need to do what isn't in your intuition or heart to do.

If someone asked me for parenting advice, I would only feel qualified to say "follow your heart, remember that this child will grow into an individual who will need to be prepared to face this dynamic world one day, with faith, courage, and compassion. Be the parent you wish you had yourself, growing up. And remember that parenting is your privilege, as your child is unique and one-of-a-kind... you have an extremely important role!"

I wish all parents self-aware patience, and all parents-to-be the blessed knowledge that these little bundles of joy will enhance your own life and experience beyond your expectations... know that you will learn far more from them than you can ever hope to teach them.

Everyday Miracles!

I saw a comment made online earlier today, about empathy/intuition being "not impressive", and the reasoning behind this statement was "because a child can do it".


This really stirred something within me, and the laughter that shot out of my belly was tremendous - I realized how apathetic we can become in our Awakening experiences. A child can be born, does that mean it isn't impressive?


The picture above holds the statement "Miracles happen for those who believe"; this doesn't mean only believers will be granted miracles, it means those with the eyes to see and heart to believe know that miracles abound!!!


To the person experiencing intuition or empathy consciously for the first time; it is no less than miraculous!! If you've lived your whole life unaware of the connection between other people's energy and emotions, and your own responses physically and emotionally, and then one day you just get it in a really conscious way, it is kind of mind blowing.


So I want to remind you of the every day miracles we are all surrounded by in our lives. 


I'll start with the intuition miracle:

• You're humming a song, and a little while after it comes on the radio. 
• You think of a loved one, and a moment later the phone rings - it is them.
• You get a feeling you should turn right instead of drive straight, 5 minutes later you find out there was an accident on the road you were originally going to drive on.

These are just three of countless types of miracles we can witness through our intuition, or gut instincts.

Next there are the empathic miracles:

• You feel another persons pain so profoundly that you can identify with them in such a way as you want to be there for them, comfort them, love them.

There are all types of empathy; the above example is my personal favourite as it is what tears down walls and creates bridges.

Now the every day miracles of YOU:

• Your body inhales and exhales regularly without your conscious need to regulate it.
• Your biology rejects negative ingested items and absorbs positive proteins and minerals.
• Your brain is firing at lightning speed, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, even when your body sleeps.
• Your heart pumps about 2000 gallons of blood each and every day. The average bucket is 5 gallons - you do the math :)
• Your body lets you know when it is tired, hungry, thirsty, stressed, anxious, happy, sad... etc.
• You are made of the same stuff the Universe is made of - and the Earth!
• There is electricity, and water living inside of your body, and yet you are not electrocuted!

Don't take these every day miracles for granted, for they truly are magnificent! When each experience is greeted with fresh eyes and fresh perception, it can be felt anew each time. So you may have had 200 astral projections, but that doesn't mean you can't thrill at the miracle of the experience each time you have it!

When you lose your passion, you will lose yourself. 

Einstein said there were two ways to look at life; the first was as though there were no miracles, the second was as though everything is a miracle.

Which way do you choose to see life?

Solar (plexus) Flares

It is nearly 4am and I am wide awake still. I am a night person by nature, but in the last few days it has been extreme, I just can not seem to sleep at night. I don't mind this, as night time is so peaceful to me. I go out onto my balcony and there is silence, no cars, no people talking or kids yelling; it's quite tranquil. I like to be the only one awake at this hour, it feels sacred to me.


My emotions were topsy-turvy today, and I found myself bouncing between peaceful and sadness through the course of the day. A dear friend Irma, who runs the Facebook page called Cosmic Weather and the Facebook group Akashic Wisdom Keepers reminded me today that we are experiencing some extremely profound solar flare activity. According to SpaceWeather.com the flare was an M3-class which means it was medium to large in projection. 


This got me thinking about my emotions, and the fact that the planet Mercury is in retrograde currently; this coupled with the flare activity and astrological alignments at this time really does make for some interesting combinations. So it's no huge surprise to see that many people are currently struggling with sleep, their emotions, communication, and deep rooted feelings of sorrow or anger which have bubbled up to the surface.


So then I began to wonder what I could do as a proactive being to remain centered within myself. And the answer came in the form of some internet surfing.


While I was exploring the SpaceWeather.com website, and looking at the flare activity, I was drawn to a picture of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) taken yesterday. The pictures were phenomenal, and it clicked into place for me as I gazed in awe at the beauty of the streaks of light across the sky; though the sun was producing turbulent and volatile flares, it was creating a beautiful mosaic of light above our atmosphere. Through violence, so much beauty was begotten.

This to me is a simple and yet eloquent reflection of our life on Earth, as physical beings; we go through so much pain and struggle, and  yet the result can be seen as breathtakingly beautiful if we have the eyes to see it.


So yes, while this time indeed is fraught with astrological challenges, solar flares, and potential discord within relationships and communication, the potential for growth and self-aware realization is ever present, and all we need to do is be mindful, observant, and faithful.


The Solar Plexus chakra (wheel of light) is the Yellow center below the heart which is connected to the emotional self, so it isn't any small wonder that we are experiencing emotional flares, as the sun is experiencing it's own flaring as well. My advice at this time is to remain calm, follow your heart, and look for the cosmic silver linings, they may be hard to see in the moment, but they are there if you are willing to look beyond the everyday movements of your material life. 

The Bean Seedling

When my daughter was small, in Kindergarten, she came home from school one day with a little Styrofoam cup. In the cup was dirt, and I asked her, "What is this?" and she said "it is my bean seed! I am going to grow a bean stalk!"


I knew at that moment, that it was indeed to be my bean seed, and I took it from her, and placed it upon the kitchen windowsill, with promises to water it while she was at school every day.


Every day I would put some water into the cup, and eventually after a few days a little piece of green sprouted forth through the dirt. My daughter was thrilled to see her bean seed starting to grow. It filled my own heart with joy to see her happiness.


I got caught up in my every day life, as we so often do, and one day forgot about the little seedling. And as I walked through the kitchen I heard a small child's voice say with so much urgency "I'm thirsty!!!" I stopped dead in my tracks, as the hair on my arms raised with goose-flesh, and I pivoted on my heels. I turned towards the window sill and said "did you just talk to me?"


Tears ran down my cheeks as I realized I had forgotten to water the little seed, and even more than this, it had spoken to me. I was immediately humbled, and spent time with the seed, transferring it into a proper pot, and promising to never forget to water it again.


After some time the seedling was getting very big and long, and I knew it wanted to be transferred outside into my garden. So my daughter and I planted it next to the Sunflowers, in a patch of land which was also near our red grape vines. And as the summer continued to provide heat and light, the little seedling indeed became a huge stalk. It was not thick, but it was oh so very long. At the last measure, it had reached over 21 feet in length, and it wound it's way through the sunflowers and grape vines.


As summer began to wane, we picked up ripe big beans from the stalk, which my daughter took in to her teacher. Her teacher was shocked, and told me later in confidence that this was the first time a student had actually given her beans from a seedling. She had given her class seedlings every year, and no one in her years of teaching had nurtured them the way my daughter and I had. She was touched; I was humbled.


This was the first time a plant ever spoke to me aloud, with a voice I could hear. And it was also the day I realized just how beautiful and tenuous our connection with  nature is; we must be responsible to nature in all aspects. We must remember that life is precious, and we must treat it with the care of a mother.