Fortune Cookie Affirmation

The healing began middle of last week, and this weekend it has been fortified and amplified to the point of utter humility and gracious love.

I spent two hard weeks looking at myself in the most stark light of critical judgment as possible. It was painful; depression always is. It is also an isolating experience for anyone to have. And yet, it is important to go through it, and not just get through it. I had to face some things which I wasn't even aware of on an external level; Spirit gave me the opportunity to weed through some tangles within my psyche to get to a very guarded and dark spot within my heart.

I went to bed early last night, belly full of Chinese food, heart full of joy at a day spent with my family in peace, laughter, with joy. A day of efficiency and cleansing and winterizing together left me feeling quite satisfied, and I drifted off some time after 11pm. I woke this morning, realizing the clocks had been turned back an hour, so it wasn't actually 6am, but 5am. And I tried to go back to sleep but it was obvious within minutes that wasn't going to be an option.

So feeling somewhat irked I got up and went into the living room, and with nothing else to do turned on the television. I was just in time to watch a movie, which I've never heard of, which I figured would be some fluff romantic comedy. Quite the opposite; the movie was about me.

I watched myself through the character in the movie, as he helped others deal with trauma and grief, as he extended his loving patience and concern to people he had never met before. He built his life around helping others, and yet all along in the deepest aspects of his emotional self he had never truly grieved for his own losses, and was walking around with a lot of guilt and self-deprecating baggage. It hit home.

I walked into the kitchen for a glass of water, and saw last nights fortune cookies sitting on the counter. And as I reached for one my lip quirked on one side and I actually thought to myself "this is my movie moment". Indeed, profundity comes in small packages sometimes. The message my fortune shared was this:

"You have a deep understanding of other people's needs and feelings."

Tears slid down my cheek as I zeroed in on the most affecting aspect of the message - "other people's"...

So this last couple of weeks, as I have beaten myself up, torn myself down, slithered into the depths of fear and anxiety, languished in self pity and remorse and guilt... this has been such a profound time of healing for me.

You see, you can only go so long giving of yourself to others, before you find yourself empty. And as I said in my previous blog entry I have been busily giving of my resources to others, while near completely ignoring my own needs. And what have I been needing? Just to let go.

Sounds so simple; those three words. Just let go. Four decades of evading the letting go has proven it to be anything but simple for me.

So I'm going to keep this fortune in my pocket today, and keep reminding myself, that it isn't only other people's needs and feelings I should be understanding. My empathy must also turn inwards, and mirror my truth lest I begin to project a holographic image of myself which just isn't true.

Yes, I am frail. I am weak at times. I sob in earnest confusion not quite knowing why I sob. And I am capable of the most audacious shows of polarity. And I would forgive any human being their humanity. And yet I've spent a lifetime punishing myself for my own.

Today fortune graced me in the form of a cookie. And that alone makes me smile in such a way as I haven't in two weeks, and the peace settling within my heart now needs no words. And I am grateful.