Peace IS Within You

We are creatures of habit and conformity by nature; often we are willing to take someone else's word for the truth over investigating and seeking our own perception first. It is easy to allow others to create reality, so that we must only be responsible for conforming to it.

Yet this is part of the illusion which mankind lives within; we are on the planet of Free Will and Polarity. As souls we have come here to experiment with matter, three dimensional causality, denseness and the concepts and realities of this vs that. It is here on Earth that we can encounter all flavors of duality, good and bad, happy and sad, up and down, sick and well. And we are free to explore these counter parts to our hearts delight... or our fears peril.

Through the ages we have slowly made movements towards fear, and balled up within our sense of isolation in the skin and begun to feel removed of Spirit, and of God. So we created religions by which we could put God away and upwards of ourselves, detached, removed, and fearful. We so fully forgot our very nature as Gods most animate aspects of Universal light and vibration, that we actually have convinced ourselves and much of our planet to be afraid of God, or doubt God exists, or worship a God that is so like we are in his judgment, violence, instability and irrationality.  We have created God in our own image and likeness, and yet we project our greatest fears on to him. Just look to the events in the world at this time, to see the truth of this.

But the Greater truth? It lives within you. And reading these words is meant to remind you of what is true and real and transcendent within you.

Enlightenment isn't the end of a journey, it is a state of awareness, which is infinite, and ongoing, and we strive for it eternally whether we realize it or not. It is encoded into our DNA, to seek, better the self, improve ones standing, reach higher. It is part of our human condition, and our souls condition as well; to raise ones sense of personal awareness to achieve a state of not dominion, or power, but grace over all surroundings. You can seek enlightenment in virtually any venue you can conceive of it, and I guarantee you, it is available to you everywhere, at every time. The greater your struggle, the closer to hand your enlightenment is. The harder your circumstances, the lower you feel or fall, the worse life seems to be, these are the moments where you are closer to your own self-aware salvation than you could know. It is in moments of adversity, when the pendulum of duality pivots on the negative, that we are capable of great things.

You know this, it is apparent in the entire world around you, every time there is a mass event or act of tyranny or cataclysm or upheaval, people band together in brotherhood, compassion, generosity and strength. This is because we are truly closer to who we are when we are pressed against the rail. And yet we are still running under the condition in which we are lesser than, not worthy of, removed from Gods Glory and Divinity.

And the truth of the matter is none of us are less than, or not worthy of, or removed of Gods greatness. I'm not talking about a god that lives in the minds of fearful men, casting doubt, making rules, setting limitations upon his deliverance. I am talking about the creative energy of the whole Universe which has created all life, and is available in each particle of space and time and matter and non-matter which IS in existence. The Creator, or Source of all things, which we are made of, and therefore which we are a part of.

And yet I do not want to get sidetracked, for I'm not posting to talk about God at this time; what I want to talk about is your relationship to the God energy, and how it affects you, and how you affect your reality as a result.

When you close your eyes, and breathe deeply, and feel the calm slip into your limbs and torso, and feel the soothing waves of peace vibrate within you, you will find the Source of all things flows within you, makes up your matter and your biology, and courses through your veins. As you focus on nothing more than love and gratitude, so that these feelings are rolling off of you in waves, you will be able to feel the rebound of those waves of love and gratitude, and this is the Source, God, returning to you what is truly yours at all times - Love and gratitude - the essence of true peace.

Instead of praying to some outside or external source, try to seek the source within yourself, and be patient, and yet faithful. Know that what you seek is real and valid and needs no certification or seal of approval from someone else. Know when you breathe deeply feeling love and abundant joyful gratitude, and it returns to you in waves that undulate down your body, that you are in communion with God, the Universe, all of creation.

There is never anything to fear, no matter how much your human responses urge you to at times. Part of the intrinsic nature of duality is to learn to understand our own biology, in order to truly comprehend what is and what is not. Anything that elicits the fear response in you is not real in the grandest scheme of things. Fear is a feeling that our body enhances with hormones and chemicals, and when these biological sensors go into overload we can get lost in negativity. And yet, you can be mindful, and self-aware, and remember to breathe, and when a crisis arises, or something scary happens, you can remind yourself that nothing will be accomplished by getting washed away in images or feelings of fear, high drama, ego, or over-reaction. There will always be things in our lives which will challenge us, hurt us, push our limits, and yet this isn't a punishment, or a test even; it is simply the game board on which we are choosing to play right now. In the impermanent word of physical duality, nothing lasts for ever, everything is relative to how we are feeling and perceiving, and the only thing that truly matters is how you choose to respond, feel, think, and behave in any given moment.

When you know this, understand it, accept it as truth, then you relinquish your need to feel victimized by any one, or any thing. Ever.

You have within you the seeds of creation, the love of the ages, the vibrant buoyant nature of your energetic self, and the ability to grow, learn, evolve and rise up again and again. The only being in creation that can thwart your happiness, security, faith, or resolve... is you.

So get up out of your own way my friend. Smile. Exhale. Then inhale again, deeply. Always - breathing deeply, oxygenating your brain, allowing yourself to clearly think, observe, understand, and perceive. In this mind-state, you will know that no matter what comes your way, you have at some level of reality and manifestation called it to you for an opportunity to overcome it, and you have the full backing of the Universe to do just that.

So, don't let others continue to draw out the game plan for you, step out of the box and into a place that has no room for labels, or need for categorization. You don't need to ascribe to an ism or ology in order to be at One with the source of all Life - there is no rule book, or place of worship outside of your own body, mind, spirit and sense of intuition and awareness. Every single thing you need to know, you already do - awaken it within you. It is there waiting for the command to blossom.

Breathe, let go... and receive Truth and Love.

Living Like Nature: Just A SAD Rant

I am on a different wavelength these days, as my SADS kicks into high gear, and I find myself feeling at odds within myself. The last few years have really kicked my ass emotionally, and physically, what with the two major back surgeries I had, the changes those made in my life physically and financially, the effort my family has had to make to stay strong, be creative, supportive... it's been rough on my husband and daughter, and it's been hellish on me.

I find myself questioning many things in my life these days, and it's not surprising as the Christmas holidays usually bring out the worst in me. I do not like the holidays, what they represent, how I see the entire North American continent begin to spend more money, try to keep up with societal pressures, in order to create some picturesque holiday to share on social media via pictures and anecdotes. It's exhausting to me, as I just don't share those beliefs, ideals, or desires. I don't want to live in a world where we are all sinners supplecating ourselves to a higher power who judges us based on how like Him we are trying to be. And I don't want this post to come off as an insult to Christianity, god knows I am in no place to judge anyone. I like the idea of Jesus, he seems like the most loving and compassionate being this planet has ever known, and I would love to be like him, and see others being like him. But it's not who we are; people are just downright selfish in my estimation. It's human nature to be selfish, and I say this with complete honesty and as much humility as I can muster at 5:45am. We have survival instincts which drive us forward, and in order to survive we must navigate society in the "right" ways, in order to avoid alienation, disconnection, isolation etc.

But I think to the animal kingdom, and my heart aches, because I see very clearly in my own understanding where humanity went "wrong" so to speak along our own evolutionary path. If you can indulge me for a few moments, try to understand that I have utmost respect for nature, and as a basis of my spiritual beliefs, I think nature is the perfect mirror to creation or God as we can possibly get while living in a 3 dimensional reality. Nature doesn't try, nature simply is. And this is how we could or should be too, were we not so busy trying to be everything else.

I love the animals on this planet, and relate very closely to bears. Bears are relatively isolated creatures, who are fierce mothers, and yet when not nurturing young, they are lone, and wild, and follow their own instincts to survive every day. They spend half the year sluggish during the winter months, then spend six months trying to find enough food to fatten up in order to hibernate again during the following winter months. As a result, Bears live very much in the now - in the moment. Each day, whether nurturing cubs or not, bears simply wander their habitat looking for sustenance. In between feeding they nap, play, cavort, explore. And this is natural for them, they do not try to store food they cannot eat immediately; they eat what they can and move on. They roam the lands, following migratory patterns of prey, and following deeply ingrained instincts while they follow their own biological need to mate, feed, birth, and rest.

Man was once like this too, hundreds of thousands of years ago. We dwelt in small clans, moving around following migratory patterns of our own prey, and each day we spent surviving. There was no need to collect more food than we could eat that day, kill animals for any reason other than to eat. We did not try to dominate the land, but rather we lived within the parameters of our own ability to survive reasonably on a day to day basis. We lived in unity with nature as a result.

Now, we have fridges and freezers full of food we don't need right away, have cupboards full of food that is so chemically treated to keep it lasting long that we subject ourselves to physical illnesses, diseases, simply because it's "easier" to have these foods than get what we need on a daily basis. Our lives revolve around having more; more food, more money, more clothes, more luxury items, more play things... it's tiring. I'm tired of this game of "more" we are playing.

In my kitchen there are foods that provide zero nutritional properties. And we eat them because they are easy to prepare. And then we wash our hair and bodies in chemically treated animal tested items in order to have shinier hair, whiter teeth. Civilized humans are all but consumed by fitting in, making life easy, and living the "dream", but to me it is a nightmare.

I day dream about nature, the trees, plants, mosses and fungus, and I think how beautiful it would be to have that kind of faith; the faith that makes it possible to bloom and grow despite effort or desires. Nature doesn't contemplate how to grow quicker, or bigger, or how to have more nutrients by which to do so. Nature just blooms, grows, withers, and dies. And the cycle goes round and round, and it's all so very...organic.

I guess that is where I am right now; desiring a more organic life. I am overweight, diseased, disabled, and distraught, depressed, and downright dejected. I have all the modern comforts a person could ask for, a nice home, two cars, lots of food, games, toys, shiny trinkets and keep sakes. And yet something is sorely lacking from my life, an internal faith, that goes beyond spirit, god, or universe... a faith in my own biological nature. I have lost my ability to trust my own process of growth, blooming and blossoming, withering and dying...

Does this make sense to you? I do not feel in sync with nature, by virtue of my own ridiculous need to understand my nature. Human beings are prone to thinking, which can be downright problematic at times. I think back to my youth, hours spent sunbathing at the beach, never wondering how the sun may damage my skin, and it didn't. I'd swim after eating, never worrying about cramps, and they never happened. I would sleep a couple hours, get up and have a full day of activity, and never once felt spent. And this is how we are when we are young; we just follow our biology and don't question it, and therefore it doesn't deplete. Yet we get older and these things fall to the wayside as we learn about drudgery. And drudgery becomes the new natural order of things, which is so completely unnatural really. But we do it; we all do it, we grow up, get older, expect less, and become complacent. And soon we're middle aged, contemplating the things we did wrong, the things we wish we'd done differently, and wondering if we can do anything right before our little snippet of time here on this planet is done?

My journey of spiritual awakening and self-awareness has brought me to many beautiful epiphanies and moments of sublime understanding. And yet, at the vantage point from which I observe my life now, I can see far more damage which I've done to myself as a result of trying to better understand myself in relation to life, the Universe, and god. In trying to be a better person, I lost all those beautiful youthful complexities which made me a vibrant source of energy. I spend more time contemplating my behavior, and how I affect my surroundings than is healthy, and hold myself to higher expectations that I do anyone else. Why? Why should I expect myself to be any more enlightened, kinder, gentler, or smarter than any other human being? Because I've spent so many years learning about human nature, I should somehow be less inclined to exhibit it?

I'm tired. Tired of trying to be the bigger person, the better person, tired of trying to do "right" all the time. I just want to be. But when I give myself permission to simply be who I am, it seems someones toes get stepped on.

And it just brings me back to bears *gentle smile*. Bears don't worry about anyone, or anything, other than the simple moment they are living in. Just like every other living creature in the animal kingdom; the current moment is the only reality. Why have we as human beings tried to extricate ourselves from that very natural state of being, and spent lifetimes acquiring things, by which to feel secure by? Security is an illusion, one which the modern world is quickly waking up to, and people are beginning to really understand that freedom is something we do not truly afford one another, as we are all so busy trying to get our piece of the proverbial pie.

I know, this is a very cynical outlook, and yet I don't see it as simply as that; it is a natural outlook, nature isn't all warm and fluffy, in order to survive, other creatures must die, prey needs to feed predator, and that is the simplest fact of nature that there is. There is no matter of fairness in nature, in order to live, creatures must kill, and they don't waste time worrying about the inequity of it. They do what their biology urges them to do, just as they have for millions of years.

Yet I make a trip to the freezer for an ice cream bar and struggle with a two hour session of guilt over my inability to control my insatiable desire for junk food.

*sigh*

If you're still following me, I applaud you. This rant may indeed serve no point other than to allow me to vent my own frustration at myself, for being a human creature of insurmountable inconsistency and hypocrisy.

I sit on my recliner couch, using my laptop while my big screen tv is on mute, in my big comfy apartment, full of nice things, and feel myself brimming with unhappiness, which is just so childish really, and yet I can't get past the blues I feel, because a part of me is just so damned dissatisfied with who I am. Who I am is a human being, one who has spent a better part of a lifetime trying to be a "good" human being. And yet, at almost 43 years of age, I am no better at this than I ever was.

So I will keep looking to the animal kingdom for guidance. Until such a time as I can try to just accept myself as I am, I will maybe try to be more like a mother bear, and worry less about how I am affecting my surroundings, and just muddle on, day to day, need by need, hunger by hunger. Any less time spent contemplating my self, my thoughts, my motivation could surely be spent doing something more productive, like napping.

Do NOT Accept or Tolerate: RACISM

When my family tuned into the news a week ago, and watched the rioting begin to escalate in Ferguson Missouri, we were awe struck at the sheer audacity of the entire situation. The verdict was given during the day, and yet for some unknown reason the powers that be opted to wait to announce that Michael Browns murderer would walk free of all charges at 9pm at night EST.

Two days before the verdict was given, the armed forces were called in, and a full riot squad stood outside the courthouse for upwards of 48 hours in anticipation.

Why? Have you stopped to ask yourself this? The authorities, state, military and police all knew the threat of emotional reaction, and further rioting were a reality should Officer Darren Wilson not be indicted on charges of murder. They were aware enough to have the national guard standing guard, aware enough to have riot gear, tanks, tear gas, and dozens of officers at the ready. And yet, for whatever preposterous reason, the verdict was not given until the sun had set on Ferguson. Had they announced it earlier that day, or waited until the following morning, it may have been much easier to quell riots by the light of day. It was as if the authorities were preparing for a full out riot, willingly, if not encouraging it outright.

If that was the case, why? The only answer one can possibly surmise is that any bad press against the black residents of Ferguson would serve to take the focus off of the verdict itself, and place the worlds focus on the very people mourning the death of the 18 year old man, instead of the outrageous reality that his killer was walking free.

I watched as the atmosphere on social media began to get very stormy, and was disgusted at the sheer number of racist tweets being broadcast as a result. I have always known racism is alive and well in North America, but it didn't fully hit me until I saw just how disgustingly ignorant people can be when it comes to skin color. Many of these people asked twitter "why do you people have to make it about race?" when the reality is the entire incident was entirely about race. Had Michael Brown been a Caucasian man, would he still be alive? We have no way to truly know, but there is enough speculation worldwide based on real numerical statistics coming out of Ferguson, Missouri, and the United States, to indicate that when faced with shooting a suspect or criminal, police are much more inclined to shoot first, and ask questions later when the perpetrator is a black male. Of course it was about race, as the black community in Ferguson became outraged at the unnecessary death of a young 18 year old man over a liquor store theft.

Further shocking to me, was the amount of tweets coming from twitter, indeed still being circulated, stating that "you commit a crime, you deserve to get shot". Again, had the perpetrator been a white male I don't think those people would be as quick to condemn.

It galls to know that in 2014 racism is not only still thriving in North America, but that it is still denied, lied about, and taught to our young. Political correctness is the worse thing we have undertaken as a civilized society globally, teaching us to turn our insults into veiled tongue in cheek jibes. As long as you word something the right way, all bets are off. We are taught to be "tolerant" or "accepting" and that truly pisses me off in ways I cannot describe and maintain any modicum of decor. If we don't trust or like someone because their skin is brown, and brown people are historically prone to violence, or drugs, or gang activity, or terrorism, or WHATEVER - then we must learn to accept them and tolerate them?

Give me a break!

I am very much against social tolerance and acceptance, it is an insidious lie, perpetrated by politicians, who know how to say all the wrong things in all the right ways. Since when do we let politicians dictate our moral compass, or expound upon the proper way to communicate? Politicians are by and large paid to be very savvy liars. Politicians have made billions off of the campaigning between Republicans and Democrats in the USA, and there is no middle ground anymore. You have a country of hundreds of millions of people who are either left, or right, and nary the twain shall agree or meet. It is disgusting - entire beliefs, ideals, morals, and behaviors are split down the middle, until neighbors no longer get along due to political differences.

When did live and let live become a part of our historical rear window view?

I do not tolerate black people. I do not accept Iraqi's. I will never TRY to accept or tolerate anyone. Who the hell am I to look down on someone, anyone, in the long run? I do try to walk a mile, use my empathy, and understand people who are different from me. Those differences are not skin deep, and are very much based on behavior and attitude. If you are cruel, bigoted, violent, or crass chances are I'm not going to trust you very much. I may even "write you off" if you're in the extreme. However I will most certainly try to see you in a bigger way, remembering you are someones child, someones love, someones parent, someones friend. Your skin color doesn't mean anything to me. And it shouldn't to anyone else.

I'm sick to death of racism, and racists. I know quite a few racist people, all of them are white. All of them have no higher than a high school education. All of them tend to be closed minded, if not somewhat selfish, lacking in culture or class, and for the most part, they are ignorant by nature. This isn't to say they aren't nice people. Some of them are my friends. But they know if they are going to make racist comments within my earshot they are going to have to back those comments up with facts, statistics, knowledge. None of them ever can. It usually boils down to "i used to live _____ and there were so many _____ there and all they ever did was ______."

Generalized bullshit based on smallworld experiences that equal nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I urge, encourage, and challenge you to stop accepting or tolerating other people. It is the most detrimental thing we can learn, or teach our children. I don't want you to be tolerant of black people, Muslims, homosexuals, transgenders, Catholics, Atheists, Mentally challenged people... etc etc etc. Do not be tolerant of people who are different than you; do not be accepting of them. Be HUMAN WITH them. Because there is NO difference between you, and any other single solitary human being on this planet.

We are all born the same way, we all have parents, family, we all go to school and are indoctrinated by our culture to become the people we become. We are taught to value this, and reject that, we are expected to live in accordance with the society and culture we are born into. And whether that culture is Islamic, or gangs, or religious cults, or wealthy snobby country club members, or tropical islanders... we are all people. We all love, and are loved, we all have our own personal challenges, skeletons in our closets, bad habits, fears, and insecurities.

And if you're judging anyone else based on your view of how they live, I suggest you take a good long hard look in the mirror, because you must have been raised by some very ignorant people, and you'll want to get a little mind expanding knowledge into your life, lest you become just another played out stereotype.

No, do not accept or tolerate anyone, acceptance is best used to deal with life experiences. I am overweight, it is an insecurity, yet I accept myself as I am. THAT is what acceptance is for - to learn to live with something that otherwise brings you down. Tolerance should only apply to things like food, drink; I don't tolerate wine very well, it gives me a headache. I have a low tolerance for ignorant people. I have a high pain tolerance.

The only way to break the cycle of racism in North America is to be honest and open about it. What is going on in Ferguson, and in other States as people protest the verdict, and the murder of Michael Brown is a huge step towards shining a light on a problem that is NOT GOING AWAY. It is only through making it very clear to every single person possible that racism is a problem, one that needs dealing with, that we will begin to actually teach people to stop being so closed minded, ignorant, foolish, judgmental, and ill mannered.

I applaud anyone peacefully protesting. I understand those who got violent, and the frustration and anger and fear that caused them to go to extremes. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be a second class citizen. I was born white in Canada, my life hasn't had a lot of hardship or struggle. But I will openly and honestly say that yes - I see the struggle people of different races are undertaking, and whether you're Asian, Hispanic, Black, Indian... there are all these stupid political correct platitudes "my" people use to put you down, and make it seem cute. It's everywhere on tv, in the media, the stereotypes, the generalizations.

So I am making my stand, here and now. My line in the sand is drawn. I will not tolerate or accept your racism North America. I will stand up to it every time it rears it's ugly poorly educated head.

And I urge all free thinking Spiritualists to do the same. We cannot attain global unity until we do away with these harmful divides we have built up between ourselves. Those divides have become mile high walls. And it's time to knock them the @#^& down!

Loving & Accepting Negative People

Why is it that some days we are so patient, and able to weather anything that comes our way, and then other days it just seems like every thing people say is like nails on a chalkboard... we're just irritable for no understandable reason?

The short answer is self-awareness: when you are less aware of who you are, how you're behaving, and what you're about in the moment, it's easy to slip into a narrow scope of mind, and become fixated on feeling crappy.

The old cliché tells us not only to not sweat the small stuff, but also reminds that in the end it's all small stuff. And this is honestly true of life friends; there is really nothing so huge or horrible that requires our anger, snarkiness, or panties to get all bunched up. But we forget this from time to time, and our skin seems so thin we can barely tolerate our loved ones.

We all have bad days, we're human and it's natural to experience moments of utter agitation. But it's so important to realize and know that when you're in that frame of mind you are only hurting yourself. You're wasting your precious time dwelling on bad feelings, negative mindsets, and pointless judgment.

What About Chronic Pessimists?

We all know people who seem to be addicted to negativity, confrontation, argument, judgment, and know how exhausting it can be to try to meet these people with any amount of positive thought or happiness. Yet we all owe it to ourselves and our fellow humans to try to be part of the solution, as opposed to the problem. If you have a chronic negative thinker in your life and find it drags you down, or stresses you out, then it's time to do some deep soul searching. Some new age rhetoric schools of thought would have you think that these people need to be left behind, ignored, phased out of your life, because they will only bring you down. This is new age escapism at best, judgmental on a spiritual level, and accomplishes nothing. If you remove negative people from your life, you'll end up alone, because again, it is human to feel crappy at times!

I think instead of putting negative people out of your life, it's more productive to try to meet them in a middle ground, where you can be empathetic, supportive, and try to set a positive example for them. You then challenge yourself to remain upbeat and optimistic despite their griping, and perhaps can even come to value the importance of remaining detached and emotionally balanced. We aren't meant to alienate others because they think or behave differently than us; I believe we can build bridges, and perhaps help the chronic pessimist find some new ways to think, perceive, and approach life.

This isn't to say we bash our negative friends' and their habits, because that would be putting conditions upon your friendship or relationship, which is also pointless. Rather, try to accept them as they are, while remaining true to your own desire to be a positive force in your own life.

Some ways to remain friends with negative people, while honoring your own spiritual imperatives are:

• Knowing when to respond, and when to just smile and nod


• Interject reasonable amounts of positivity into the relationship without trying to modify their behavior


• Being honest with them about how tiring their defensiveness or anger can be


• Setting up boundaries, limiting contact to casual light hearted meetings ie: meeting for coffee


• Realizing they are perceiving the world in a different way than you, and being that negative is also exhausting for them. Be empathetic, realize how hard it must be to be negative, angry, suspicious, defensive etc


• Know when you've had enough, and honor your own needs.

Too much exposure to negative people can be contagious, so it's important that you recognize your own limitations, and learn when to walk away for a breather. I find you can over time bring your loved one to a sense of understanding without really addressing the issue directly; when they broach subjects that get them into that negative mind set - change the subject. If they incessantly want to complain, bash people, or whine about their life simply redirect their thinking by changing the subject. And if that doesn't work, just be honest and say "you know what, I really am not comfortable talking about this."

There is no need to avoid or separate yourself from negative people, or drama queens, or angry folks. You can love them, appreciate them, learn about yourself through them, and define your own ideals about happiness and positive thinking through looking at how they behave as opposed to how you would behave in their situation.

At the end of the day, you'll have a relationship that while maybe not entirely emotionally nourishing, will still be a two way motion; you accepting them as they are, and them knowing on some internal level that you care enough about them to not engage their anger or negativity.

And you never know, perhaps you'll rub off on them and end up helping them attain a more level headed, middle of the road state of mind along the way. This shouldn't be your directive, because again that would be you wanting to change the person; but if it happens organically then you've contributed to the well being of someone you care for.

We know as spiritualists and self-aware seekers of truth that a negative attitude is like a snowball rolling down a hill; it gathers momentum on it's own and gets bigger and heavier as it goes. So be a ramp to those people, so their snowball of pessimistic thinking takes flight while you're with them, and perhaps lightens their load.

Above all else, if you are determined to remain in relationships with negative people, remind yourself as often as you need to not to sweat the small stuff --  there is nothing so all encompassing in life that needs you to feel badly, suspicious, negative, or judgmental about. The world has enough heavy feelings in it already, we can shine a light in the dark by being a voice of upliftment, positivity, joy, and laughter.

Keep it light - life isn't that serious, unless you make it so.

Bullying: We Are All Responsible

This is a topic which is current, vital, and needs to be explored worldwide, as bullying is something which is becoming epidemic amongst our children, and indeed there is no age limit to bullying. To better understand the meaning of the word bully, it helps to first understand where the word and concept began.

When searching the etymology of the word, you find the following history of the word:

bully (n.) 1530s, originally "sweetheart," applied to either sex, from Dutch boel "lover; brother," probably a diminutive of Middle Dutch broeder "brother" (compare Middle High Germanbuole "brother," source of German Buhle "lover;" see brother (n.)).

Meaning deteriorated 17c. through "fine fellow" and "blusterer" to "harasser of the weak" (1680s, from bully-ruffian, 1650s). Perhaps this was by influence of bull (n.1), but a connecting sense between "lover" and "ruffian" may be in "protector of a prostitute," which was one sense of bully (though not specifically attested until 1706). The expression meaning "worthy, jolly, admirable" (especially in 1864 U.S. slang bully for you!) is first attested 1680s, and preserves an earlier, positive sense of the word.

source: Online Etymology Dictionary

You can see the word was originally a positive one, finding it's roots in love relationships, then evolving to mean a "fine fellow". Then, somewhere in the 17th century it shifted to become a "blusterer", and then "harasser of the weak".

Today we all know a bully is someone who picks on people who are weaker, younger, smaller than themselves. Bullying has become such a big problem in our schools, with our children and teenagers, and it has become such a frightfully big issue that now bullies don't just rely upon their words to scare others, or their fists and threats, now bullying includes knives, weapons, groups of tough kids mistreating smaller kids, and even in the extreme at times, including guns and firearms.

Why is it, that in 2014, when we are such a "civilized" society who are self-aware, understand the psyche, and psychology of what makes a person operate or "tick", are we now seeing such an eruption of violence and negative behavior in our kids?

The answer to me is so simple; they have learned this behavior from us, the elders, and in the last twenty years our mentality in North America has become so split due to political correctness, and our striving for "rights", that discipline has become a concept which no longer is cut and dry in our society.

When I grew up as a child in the 70's, and 80's, my parents had the "right" to discipline me as they saw fit. Depending on what I had done, my parents had the freedom and right as parents to ground me, govern my time and leisure activities, and when it was deemed necessary, they could spank me. These spankings seldom hurt my bottom as much as they did my pride, and truth be told while I do not support violence of any kind for any reason, the occasional swat on the backside got my attention, and helped me determine just how far I would push my parents as I just didn't enjoy being degraded in that way.

Now a days, parents are forbidden to spank their children, and there are so many help lines, groups, advocates and social structures set up that if a parent does spank their child, they can face legal recourse, and even have their children removed from their custody to be put into foster care!

I'm not saying bully's need a good spanking, or that it would even accomplish anything, what I am saying is that if parents had the freedom to discipline their children from an early age, maybe those kids would grow up with a better sense of right and wrong. Maybe those kids would think twice before pushing the boundaries out of reach if their parents had the right to teach them from a very young age that some behavior simply won't be tolerated.

This is just one aspect of what is a huge global problem though; parents know they are being watched, monitored and do not have the freedom to parent their kids the way they themselves were parented, and that can be a part of the problem. But it's only a small part of it.

Children Learn Behavior

When a child acts out, at early ages the parents either support or thwart that kind of behavior. Some parents believe their kids are just being kids, while others try to teach their children boundaries and limits. And yet the medical establishment does so much damage during these formative years by labeling these kids as having ADHD, and put them on medication, when in truth they are likely just very active kids who aren't being physically stimulated enough. Kids are now faced with a world where both parents must work to make ends meet, and often they are left in the care of the easiest baby sitter there is; the television. Kids don't spend nearly enough time outdoors playing, and exhausting their massive stores of energy. And then when they act out, or can't pay attention, or are fidgety we medicate them to make them easier to cope with, complacent, and simpler to deal with. We are medicating our children because they aren't active enough, and these medications are meant to dull the child's perception, make them calm, quiet, still. Are children supposed to be quiet little creatures who sit quietly and still for hours at a time? They are kids! They are meant to run wild, climb trees, explore their surroundings, use their imagination to play games, and above all else - be active, and curious and full of zeal!

It's just easier for parents to give their kids pills to calm them down, when in truth, most of the kids on these medications would be best served by going outside and playing.

Our civilization requires both parents to work, which is exhausting for a family unit. You take mom and dad out of their home, make them work 8-12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week, and when they get home they want to unwind and relax, yet the house has demands too, keeping it clean, keeping clothing laundered, family fed, there is no end in this time in our society to the things parents need to get done in order to simply keep the house running somewhat smoothly. So the tv gets turned on, or the video game systems, or movies, and kids are expected to stay indoors and behave themselves, while parents try to get all of their tasks completed, and what you have at the end of a week is a couple who need a vacation, and a child or children who are so bored, desensitized, and under-stimulated that the entire household is off kilter.

Parents are tired, dad may have a few too many beers to unwind, mom may become snarky as she just so badly wants to unwind but there is no end to the chores, work, and routine! So you end up with a child who sees his parents less than he sees his teachers, who isn't getting much exercise, proper sleep, nutrition, and you can do the math to figure out where this leads to.

If that child is seeing his parents snap, argue, abuse alcohol or drugs, chances are the child is going to learn to behave that way too. And this is one way a bully may arise.

Bullies Are Insecure

You don't become a bully because you're wonderful, and strong, and self-assured. You become a bully because you need to protect yourself, so you act preemptively, making sure you are in control of your own life by being on the offense rather than the defense. I'm sure many bullies are being bullied themselves, in some way in their life. Maybe mom or dad are angry, and treating the child badly, be it through physical, emotional, or mental abuse. In any event, bullies at the core are very insecure people, who do what they do because deep down within themselves they are not secure in who they are, and they are not at peace in their role in life. Bullies begin at early ages, on the playground, needing to be the loudest, the strongest, and the one with the most respect, they learn that they can make smaller weaker kids bend to their will by virtue of their words, their fists, and their cruel behavior. If this behavior goes unchecked by parents and care givers, then the bully grows up with the knowledge that they can control their own reality by using aggression and even violence as a means to stay in charge.

If this behavior is never addressed, the child becomes a teenager who has no concept of discipline or consequences, and then they become an adult who will in turn teach their own child that aggressive hostile behavior is how to get things accomplished.

How Do We Deal With Bullies?

This is the age old question; is there a way to handle a bully without ending up a target of their anger? My own daughter has been facing bullying in the past month since starting high-school. Her bullies are from a different school, who share her school bus. It began on day one of school, as this group of boys began making sexual comments towards her, to which her response was to tell them where to go, in not-so ladylike ways. She was not comfortable with how they were objectifying her and talking to and about her, so she put out a boundary immediately by telling them where to go.

The result was cliché, as these boys saw immediately how to push her buttons, and saw the fun in targeting her. As a group, they began to harass her daily on the bus, and the next week they threatened to beat her up the moment she got off the bus. The bus driver did not let her off the bus, and they stood there waiting for her to get off so they could beat her up. My husband and I rushed to the bus once the bus company contacted us, and my husband went after the kids, as they ran away. We confronted the bullies, myself, my husband, and our daughter. And I attempted to talk to them, relate to them, humanize ourselves to them, so they would recognize that our child has family, loved ones, and has a right to ride the bus in peace, just like them.

This didn't thwart them. The behavior continued. So I opted to get the schools, and the school board involved. Since then the threats escalated at first, as these boys were now threatening not only physical violence, but also sexual violence. And yet we did not back down. We stood up to these bullies, and even now they are still facing consequences as the school board has removed some of them from the bus temporarily, some of them permanently, and their parents have all been informed. They are being watched closely now, and it is becoming clear to them that their behavior is not okay, will not be permitted to continue, and they will face severe and harsher penalties should it continue.

In short, the way to deal with a bully is to not back down. EVER.

Bullies rely upon the weakness of their prey. They derive their power from the tears of their victim, they feel stronger and empowered each time a victim backs down, and slinks away. And yet the bully only gets stronger, meaner, and more dangerous. So it is up to the adults in our communities to deal with them.

We Are All Responsible!

Remember the old adage, "It takes a village to raise a child"? This is true - we must band together as adults, as parents, and as members of our societies, to make sure our neighborhoods and streets are safe for all children, and all people. Bullies need to know that no one is going to idly sit by and watch while they terrorize people by virtue of their out of control behavior.

And it is so imperative that as the adults, we also remember that bullies are created, and to keep in mind that at the core of these out of control kids is insecurity, and a lack of love and security. We must lead by example, and put down clear boundaries. If you see children or young adults mistreating anyone, you must speak up. It is so detrimental to turn the other cheek to aggressive behavior in our world. Just because it isn't happening directly to you or your loved ones is not an excuse to ignore bullying behavior!

If you see it - do something about it!

Our kids are living in scary times, the world is all lit up with technology, and now they face things we never even could conceive of at their age; cyber bullying, online thugs, violence and weapons in schools, these are things which are indicative of the state of our kids - they need rules, they need structure, and they need to learn morals and values lest they become adults who trod over everyone around them, carrying that bullying mentality into the world of business, and passing that behavior on to their own children.

It is not okay - and it is up to each and every one of us as freethinking intelligent people to take a stand, and clearly state through our actions and responses to the world that we will not tolerate bullying of any type, any longer.

I am sickened when I hear about children being beaten by other children, or of the all too often stabbings now in schools, kids with guns, kids beating the crap out of other kids.

Do you know why my daughter was targeted by the bullies on her bus? Because of the school she goes to. That was it - the reason. I asked the ring leader very pointedly "Why have you chosen to single her out? What about her makes you want to harass her?" his response was "She goes to **** and that is a school for faggots and queers!"

This boy has said very pointedly that he would like to beat my daughter, rape my daughter, degrade and humiliate my daughter, and all because he thinks her school is for homosexuals...

Something is very wrong. It is very wrong that I had to go to the lengths I've had to in order to see my daughter safe on her own bus. It is very wrong that her bullying was minimized by an adult mother of four children who works for student transportation. It is very wrong that the solution this woman offered us was to take my daughter off the bus and put her on another one. So the bullies get to stay on their bus and chase my child off? No - this is not adequate, proper behavior, and it is why I reached out to the board of education itself.

Make a fuss my friends, speak out, advocate for anti-bullying campaigns. Get involved in your community, speak up when you see bullying behavior, do not allow this to continue. It is up to each and every one of as us adults, as open minded heart oriented people, to draw a line in the proverbial sand and say "NO! This is not acceptable!"

And please, talk to your children. Be willing to see them without bias, and if you see that they have bullying tendencies please do not ignore this! Address it with them, talk to them, and if you need help, ask for help! Please do not let your children become adults who act like bullies, it is a disservice to them, and to society. If your child is being bullied do not ignore the situation! Fight for their rights, show them that they can stand up for themselves, and ask for help - teach them to go to teachers, authority figures, in order to report bullying and put an end to their own victimization!

If you're still reading and stuck with me through this entire entry, I thank you. This is a subject which has never been on the fore in my mind, as we've never faced it. Yet now that it's happened to my child I find myself wanting to become very vocal, and very involved. I want victims of bullying to know that it isn't their fault, and they don't need to continue living in fear! And I want bullies to know that they must change their behavior, or their lives will be fraught with adversity, as it is just not okay to treat others like garbage.

Let's get involved, and take back our kids' rights and freedoms, by making sure bullies do not prevail!

Raising Your Frequency Through Meditation; Achieving Ascension

I talk a lot about meditation, chakras, and energy work. Right now I'd like to talk about what these things lead to; the goal many of us share which is to attain a higher rate of vibrancy - ascension.

Ascension in the biblical sense means we all leave our physical bodies behind and rise into Heaven. In the Spiritual or New Age sense, it is quite the same - yet we do not have to die to do it.

When you meditate, or do yoga, or go on Shamanic voyage, or perform energy work or lightwork of some kind, the desire is Universal and the same from each one of us; rising above the humdrum tedium of the every day world, to achieve a state of peace, higher thinking, Oneness, and calm.

Yet, do you ever wonder what would happen if you continued to rise higher than you typically do?

There is no end to how "high" we can soar, literally, when we are opening ourselves up Universally and rising vibrationally so that we are achieving a higher state of being. There are "limits" to the physical body of course, there are "places" where the vibration is so high, the frequency too intense, and the physical body is just too dense to manage operating within the chaotic-like waves of energetic activity. So we rise as far as we desire to, within the context of being a Human, and there are levels of dimensional reality that we can access which are truly transcendent and blissful. There is no need to fear going "too far" - it's not possible.

It is so human and natural to fear this "place" the first few times you "get there". It's alien to the human body to be bombarded by such rapidly vibrating energy and light, and it can cause the nervous system to respond with anxiety, which can cause heart palpitations, sweats, shaking. Yet if you remember that you are okay, and what you're accessing is always there, surrounding you, and you're simply accessing it consciously for the first times, it becomes easier to assimilate.

Meditation or yoga, chanting, chakra work, all these and more are basically all tools meant to lead to the same destination; which is indeed not a place, but an expansion of consciousness. When you let the stress within the physical body slide off, by oxygenating your blood and brain, and you feel your body begin to truly un-clench as relaxation settles into each limb and part of your body, you then will begin to think, and perceive from a different state of "mind". This is a higher aspect of your reality, and you can rise even higher into it.

Never attempt energy work or astral travel when you are not confident or sure that you are okay - your own thoughts about a thing make it manifest. If there is doubt within you, or fear, you may well create a negative or fearful experience. So be sure you first understand why you are trying to access a higher dimensional resonance.

The reason any of us want to rise upwards vibrationally is to connect to Source; Love, Light, and positivity. This in fact is closer to the true state of your soul, and you'll recognize it as such as you begin to feel those waves of bliss physically roll down your body. You will know intuitively that all is perfect in that moment. If your mind wanders or you face uncertainty just start again, breathing deeply, feeling the weight of the heavy oppressive 3 dimensional world slip off of your body. As you breathe deeply it will feel as though you are becoming physically lighter, and this is also natural.

Allow me to lead you on a quick little journey, right there where you sit.

Just take a few deep cleansing breaths, and then open your mouth just a bit, so that there is a small space between your upper teeth and your lower teeth. With each inhaled breath through your nose, let your tongue rise to touch the roof your mouth just behind your front teeth. As you exhale through your mouth, lower your tongue back down behind your bottom teeth.  Feel your jaw relax. Do this for as long as you'd like, and with each breath in see that all is Light energy of varied speeds and vibrations. Inhale the Light into you, and with each exhale you will expel grey smoke or ash, symbolizing stress, worry, fear, anxiety. Do this for as long as you wish to. In fact do this simple part of beginning a meditation as many times a day as you wish to. Its a great way to reconnect and come back to "your senses". Five minutes of good deep breathing a few times a day can make a great deal of difference in your overall sense of well being.

Okay, when you are content with your breathing, and are full of the Light, as you've exhaled all of your worry and strife, feel that every part of your physical body is actually a minute pinpoint of light. Your skin, the cells, your blood, organs, bones - all comprised of Light energy and carbon and water. Still breathing deeply feel your inner Light shining outwards from within you, until you can feel the light pulsing around you. This is your aura, your Light body. This is where your Chakra's link from your Spiritual body to your Physical body.

Tune into the Light radiating from you, and focus on how light you feel, and intend that you continue to drop heavy dense energy, as you rise upwards vibrationally to a higher state of understanding and awareness. This is a place where deep moments of connection, understanding, kismet and communion take place. And from here you may choose to remain there, or rise even higher.

As you rise above your Spiritual body, feel the Light within and around you pulsating outwards; realize now that it is connected to the Light all around you, of other people, places, animals, plants, the sky, the earth - see how your Light has no real beginning or end - as all Light on a Universal level of reality is all of One source. Some light areas are dense, some are dim, some are brighter, some burn hot, some are cold to the touch, yet all of life on Earth is connected via this Life energy, or Chi. From this place you are capable of sending healing to the Earth, it's inhabitants, creatures, lakes, rivers and oceans, the atmosphere, and everything and everyone on Earth.

You can choose to remain there, in that state of Earthly communion, or continue to rise even higher. Because there are still places you can feel and experience beyond Earth - as you rise and feel your connection to the planets in our solar system, the sun, the moons, the dark energy between everything, and then move out to the many solar systems within our milky way galaxy - this is a journey you can take as far as you want, until you are seeing the entire Universe connected by this essential Life energy.

As you raise your own vibration upwards, you free your mind from small heavy Earthly processes, and become more attuned to your souls thoughts and feelings. Words become less impactful, as everything now processes through your senses; sight, hearing, touch, taste, thought. Explore to your hearts content - Feel how we are all connected by the same essential Light energy - know that you are free to rise above, at any time you wish to.

It is from this higher state of consciousness that I perform a Tarot reading, or cleanse my home, work with Reiki, and commune with my guides and the Universal Source of all Life. You can work on your home, your family, pets, or your city, state/province, country etc. There are no limits to where you can send your Light Energy and Love intentions. Sharing that warmth and love within you is the most delightful feeling your soul can have in your body, and the Love you will feel within you is indescribable.

As always, I am more than happy to help you better understand meditation, ascension, or anything you are having difficulty understanding, or achieving or maintaining. Always know you can reach me by email or on Facebook.

You are divine. You are loved beyond your comprehension. You are gifted beyond your present understanding, and there is no limit to what you can achieve when your heart walks in union with your intuition and wisdom.

With Utmost Love & Blessings,

Awakening & Truth: The Never Ending Journey

I've recently reconnected with a cousin of mine from my birth fathers side of the family; in getting to know her better I've found another kindred spirit. Talking with her is like looking into a mirror, and seeing a past version of myself from about 15 years ago. She's embarking upon a journey of Awakening that stirs something within me that feels so excited for her! I feel the vibrant energy around her as she begins to remember the higher truths of Spirit, and I remember fondly my own journey at that point in my life, when I was newly discovering my Chakra's, and began working intensively with my third eye and receiving visions and communion with Spirit.

My cousin has sparked something within my own spirit, and I find myself feeling inspired to re-explore my own journey up until now. I know my journey is nowhere near "over", as indeed it never ends; we are always going to have more to learn, know, discover, and reveal along the path of self-aware awakening. But I look back to the days when I was first beginning to truly sense my Divinity, and something deep within me sighs contentedly. It feels grand to share what I know with my cousin, and grander still to know that I can learn with her, as she embarks upon her own journey.

I had spent so long with people in my forum and website community's who were all going through what I was going through at relatively the same time. We all discovered and explored together, and shared our epiphanies as they occurred, and glorified in our elation at realizing our Oneness, and our connectivity to the Love and Light of the Universe. As time went by the website retired, and the forum has long since fallen quiet; and as with all things, a new phase began in my life. My journey which had been so public, and shared was all of a sudden quite solitary. So in the last few years I have become accustomed to keeping my revelations to myself, and in this way I learned to experience the brilliance of my awareness in a very intimate way within myself. No more did I rush to my computer to share my latest vision, or call a dear friend to talk about my most recent meditation. I had become a solitary woman learning how to validate myself, and wear my excitement internally, for no one else to see.

I knew this was a necessary part of my journey, in fact it seemed that everyone I had previously been connected to spiritually were going through a similar time of introverted spirituality. We all seemed to become quiet, and turn within at the same time. So it felt natural, pure, and authentic and I did not question it.

But to be honest, something magical also disappeared at that time, as I had grown so used to sharing in the elation of spiritual ideas and breakthroughs. The last few years I found the spark had all but vanished within me, as I had no one to bounce my ideas off of, and no one to share theirs with me in turn.

Then my cousin came into my life and the old vibration began to whir again, and my Chakra's burst wide open as I recognized her as a twin flame within my soul family. And she revitalized me in ways I am only just now beginning to truly grasp. You see, I don't think spirituality is meant to be kept inside, to ones self. I think it's natural to want to share what we're experiencing, and in essence "witness" to others who are also experiencing the magic of an Awakening themselves.

My kindling relationship with my cousin has inspired me to open up and become more transparent again, and what better place to do that than here? My blog began as an ardent desire to assist others on their own journey of self-awareness and awakening. And in the last couple of years I found I had less to share, less to say, as I had grown so accustomed to keeping my peace deep within me. But now I feel as though there are so many things I want to share with you!

My hiatus feels to be over. I needed a break, as my beliefs shattered a few years ago, and I reached a new level of awareness that proved my previous beliefs to be nothing but fear-generated fairy tales. I struggled in the last few years with aligning my spiritual knowledge with my every day life; so much of what I now feel to be true is so less complex than it once was. No more do I feel I have all of the answers; indeed it was that belief that held me back in so many ways. It is human of us to want to define a feeling, or an understanding, and label it as 'the truth' - case closed. But I know now that what I believed to be unbreakable, was in essence so fragile at it's core that exposing it to the Light of Truth was all it took to shatter it completely.

That is why I closed the Awakening Starseeds website a few years ago. It is why I withdrew. It is also why I've burned so many bridges with old spiritual friends and acquaintances to be honest. When you slowly come to realize that everyone you thought was "right" is just another dogmatic facet of humans creating God in their own image and likeness, it can cause a depression. And it did for me.

And yet here I am, recharged, and ready to open my delicate petals to the Light again, to rise above the rubble of my previously well laid plans, and begin to explore who I am now in light of all I've come to know, and understand.

So Dee, you're asking, what is your point? As always, I do have one, it just required adequate preamble to get to it...

The journey of Awakening spiritually and discovering who we are as aware beings in this Universe, is never ending. And while we can find things that feel like the bottom line - it is best to never rest to comfortably upon your beliefs at any given juncture. You see, the truest truth of all Universal Truth is that we can not possibly know the Truth. We can find glimmers of it, and snatch moments of it, within kernels of radiant understanding, and moments of sublime epiphany. But to live within the Truth absolutely, for all time, requires us to be more than we are. And as long as we live within the skin, and the limited processing system called the brain, we simply are not capable of holding the whole Truth at all times.

So what is the point if we can't know the whole truth? Perhaps that is the point in and of itself; to admit we cannot know the truth in it's full glory, and to be okay with that.

Do any of us truly feel we know who or what God is? Can any of us be so bold as to presume to know the essence of the creator of all life and vitality in this Universe?

We don't even know if our Universe is a singularity, or if there are others. We haven't even been able to leave our own solar system to explore beyond. We are at the dawn of enlightenment with science, and we can now send probes and satellites into space to see further than we've ever seen before, and yet we are still here on Earth, imagining, hoping, and guessing.

To believe we have all the answers is to lie to ourselves. And I get that now. Firmly and fully, and above all else, humbly.

My previous hubris at having any answers has been fully shed; my arrogance has given way to a new found sense of awe and wonder.

The questions far outweigh any answer we could attain; indeed it is the questions that have shaped our very civilization! We have built whole cities, nations, and ideologies based on religions which at best are just guessing at God. We are living a life which has been set in place by our forefathers, who are no longer alive, based on their dreams, their goals, their fears, and their insecurities. All of our economic, political, and religious beliefs and goals are based on both hopeful and joyful imagining, and fearful dogmatic anxiety.

I'm ready to begin the next phase of my own Awakening, and I hope you feel welcome to join me. I will share what I can, and try to not get caught up in the details. The truest goal I have personally for my Awakening, and indeed for yours, is to achieve a sense of self-awareness in which there is no room for the lies we've lived before.

So I shake it all of, and stand here anew, ready to start upon this next cycle with a clean conscience, and a deep faith in the Universe. I know nothing 100%. I hope for much, and fear even more. But what I know for sure is nothing at all, because I have an open mind, and an open heart.

And in order to seek the truth, one must be willing to shed that which is false. My cousin is embarking upon her own journey, and I choose to continue upon my own alongside her. And I invite you to stay connected via this blog, or the links above to the forum or facebook group, so that we can all share our journey together, with unity, in the spirit of sharing knowledge, and learning together.

I wish us all clarity, peace, and humility.

Ending a Toxic Relationship

Paulo Coehlo said "If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."

If this is true, I now patiently await a new hello in my life. I have finally done it my dear friends; I've severed ties with my adoptive mother.

Anyone who knows me knows this is a long time coming, and a very painful path has led me here. For those of you who are new to my blog, please understand that while I love my mother so deeply, I can no longer have her in my life; at all.

Her role in my life was immense when I was younger, as she played the role first of "perfect mother", then the role of alcoholic and emotionally abusive mother. And over the years she slowly transformed into a person who caused me far more pain than any other emotion. She has neglected her grand daughter, my beautiful miracle child who is now 13. While we have lived no more than 15 minutes away from her in the last seven years since my father passed away, my mother has only seen her grand daughter a handful of times. And five years ago she walked out of our lives completely for three years.

It was only due to the death of a family member that I had to have contact with my mother again. And the door opened again, and as always, I entered with wide eyed optimism and rose colored glasses. Promises broken, again and again. Insults hurtled again and again. And yet more pain, so much pain. So much unbelievable pain.

Three months ago I had my second (and yet not final) spinal revision surgery, my mother did not come visit me, nor did she bother to call me, until I texted her to let her know I had come through surgery, and was finally feeling better after the paralysis in my arms faded.

Two months ago I turned 41. My mother, who lives 15 minutes away text messaged me a birthday greeting.

Today I heard from her again, first time since my birthday, another text message, saying how much she loves me and thinks of me. And it finally hit me.

I have been so desperate for her acceptance that I've utterly altered myself for her in every way. She doesn't even know who I am, because I am so careful to be the "best" version of myself I can be in her presence, but even that is never enough.

I was honest with her. And she responded bitterly, and I believe she was drinking. Not a huge surprise.

I cannot change her. And I will not try to change myself for her, any more. In the end, I closed the door. And I feel at peace. I wish her nothing but blessings, and hope she will learn how to treat herself better. She has alienated anyone who ever loved her. She has become so bitter and isolated and delusional. And I ache for the choices she's made that have led her to this sad place in her life. And yet, I also have choices I can make for my life, for my daughter. And today I chose to stop feeling like less than...

I pray that I do not repeat her mistakes as a mother. I can only hope to learn from her errors, so that the cycle of abuse and chaos ends with my own experience as a daughter. My own childs experience isn't perfect certainly, as her own mother is overly sensitive, "flakey" and spiritually off on her own cloud (tongue in cheek, smiling), and yet her mother listens, and talks patiently, and hugs, and loves, and understands. And barring understanding - I try to. And that right there makes all the difference.

I do not use my words as weapons, nor do I wield guilt as a tool of destruction and sadism. Pray Goddess, the great Mother of All - let me reflect the image of the mother I always yearned for, and the parent all children deserve.

I love her always, and yet now I am ready for my next hello.

Energetic Frequency: Ebb & Flow

I'm having the epiphany I have so been yearning for. Right now, as I type, I am on a range and frequency I have not achieved in over two years. I breathed so deeply inwards and felt the tension in my body. It was so heavy and unyielding; it is literally like a weight that has been lifted from my physical body.

And I remember.

The smile that I'm sure is on my face makes this warmth run through my body;  being connected again feels right. It feels like "home". And it's exhilarating because now I know, for sure, and without a doubt, that everything I felt previous to my period of "darkness" was true. It wasn't imagined. I wasn't having some pineal chemical effect from oxygenating my blood through intensive breathing and meditation; I have indeed been in tune with the light of the life force on this Planet - the Grid of Light - Gaia. And All. I cannot call it god; those entities are not the eternal force I'm remembering and reliving. It is All.

Everything is okay. I get that now. I feel it, and the smile widens as tears roll warmly down my cheeks. I have been so disconnected in the last few years, and that's okay. Everything is alright, no matter what I choose, no matter what road I go down. I'm really never truly alone, and now I remember that.

I want to share something with you, as my friends, and followers, and fellow beings of life and light; everything is really always alright. It's all frequency; all of our life essence and truth and energy are frequency; levels and layers of whirring pulsating energetic tone and hue. And in the human body we have the ability through free will to play with that frequency, because that's alright too. All the time.

When our frequency is slowed down it is "lazier" for lack of a better term. I guess it really equates to the theory of relativity by Einstein ( a brilliant man ) because in the simplest terms our energy level is determined by our input towards it. It's like water in a pot on the stove, it only boils when you apply energy in the form of heat. You take that water and put it in the freezer and the molecules will slow down and eventually the water becomes a solid in ice form.

Our physical body is like that water; if you apply a little heat, energy - stimulate it vigorously, it gets active and dances all over itself in an explosion of bubbles. If you then put it into a scene where it's slowed down rapidly and forcefully it just stops moving, freezes in place.

For a couple  of years I've been frozen water; stuck in one place, riveted to the spot by my very structure and being. My entire body has been stuck, literally and figuratively. And that lack of energy or vibration has slowed my frequency; I have become the very rut I felt I was stuck in.

And in the last week something has been slowly flowering within my conscious mind and psyche; and I've been having impulses I haven't had in ages, and my thoughts have deepened, and I even grabbed my tarot off off the dusty shelf  and started to really feel a truth inside my gut again.

And this morning I woke up knowing things are different now, again. We have moments in life which are pivotal forks, and sometimes the fork is confusing and we don't know which way to go. Not this time; my fork is clearly marked with a giant arrow, and some unforeseen but extremely felt force is urging me gently down the particular road I'm verging on to.

A true Awakening isn't a thing to achieve; it's not the sudden realization of the meaning of life. It's equivalent to life itself in that there are stages to it, levels, layers, and things we must experience, and things we must endure; if there were no subtext, why awaken at all?

What are we Awakening from? Simply a long sleep of the frequency. We slow it down in childhood as we start to identify ourselves individually and lose some of our innocence. It's natural human processing which is as valid and primal as life itself.

It's a literal veil that comes down over us, a filmy layer of blurred haze which befalls our true eyes, not the eyes which see for the body; but eyes which feel for the wholeness of Self. The inner or 3rd eye, the intuitive and instinctive part of ourselves. We all have this; it's another part of our biology; it allows us to raise our vibration to achieve our fullest frequency.

Well, I'm not sure this is the fullest frequency, or that we can achieve it in physical bodies, maybe it's too powerful in it's fullest form for our molecules to hold on to without exploding - too much friction and movement and the water may leap out of the pot in hot steamy bubbles.

Everything is okay, always.

I have so much fear within my molecules. Fear is like iron filings being pulled towards the magnet of our musculature. To feel fear settle on oneself is depressing, it falls on you like a wet blanket that weighs you down, as you feel your calves tighten and your arms tense up. It falls onto your chest and constricts true freedom of breathing.

To feel fear move away from you as you realize it's only being held in place by your thoughts; well there is nothing so liberating. It's so liberating. To sit here, and let it slip off of me, as I realize there is nothing in my life which requires all that worrying, it's just so peaceful and free to feel this way again. I ask myself "why do I spend so much time with worry and fear?" and the answer is "i just forgot I didn't have to."

Awakening is cyclic. And when you reach a new "level" (if that's even the term) is to realize that you know less than you did the previous level, and then to laugh out loud and smile knowing that the less you know, the fuller you are.

It's simple. It's all so very simple. Science quantifies it all and categorizes and analyse it and helps life and biology make sense to the pragmatic brain. And yet feeling it is a simple exhalation and release of clenched muscles. A deep breath in to stimulate the overall body; and then a conscious choice to stay relaxed and unclenched.

After that you can pretty much do what you want to do :)

And that being said and done, I'm going to just enjoy this now. I don't know if I can achieve this frequency all the time, or periodically, because my biology and personality/ego are used to the structure and schedule of fear and worry and anxiety. But I'm going to work on retraining those impulses, because this just makes more sense.

Take a deep breathe, and don't think - just feel, that everything is alright, and okay, and always is.

God vs. Universe

When I think about God, in the Biblical sense, the new age spiritual sense, and the universal sense, I tend to find myself with more and more questions. God as we've designed it just can't sustain a deep sense of peace within me. There are too many variables and inconsistencies for me to believe in God in the way we do on Earth.

The Biblical God is very dual, exhibiting both love and anger, and is far too human in his actions and reactions for me to buy him as anything more than a man-made construct. Most of the Bible is recycled Pagan lore and myth anyway.

The new age spiritual God is too elusive and enigmatic for me to take very seriously as well; this God is never angry and always so loving, like the eternally optimistic hippies who no doubt dreamed it into being.

A Universal God is the closest I can come to accepting an intelligent omnipotence in any way, and even when I try to think of a Universal God-Being the idea is far too emotionally driven to feel "right" within me.

For as long as man has had the ability to look up into the night sky, man has had a yearning to feel accepted and validated by something/one far more superior to us. Why? What creates this insecurity that drives us to cling to the most comfortable or frightful God-Myth we can?

God on the whole makes me anxious, nervous, not quite good enough, and abandoned/rejected at large. I cannot buy into a God concept, and when I do refer to God I am generally using a term people will relate to, but don't in any way mean it in the way most receive it.

To me, "God", is energy - and energy is neither happy nor sad; energy does not punish and reward. The Sun does not shine on us when we're being good, and hide behind clouds when we're misbehaving. Lightning doesn't strike murderers. Flood waters don't wash over the evil incarnate and ebb for the peaceful masses.

Energy is what drives life; it is what created our Universe, our Galaxies, our Solar System, and inevitably our Planet, our bodies, our atomic structures. We are here because of the grace of energy, and long after our physical bodies shrivel up and blow away our energy will continue to roam the Universe.

When I am feeling low, lonely, despondant, all I need to do is look at imagery that the Hubble Space Telescope has captured of the various Nebulae in our Universe. There is more beauty in space than the imagination can even fathom, and when I lose myself in the gaseous colors in a Nebula of newly forming stars I feel the most peaceful and at ease with my "place" in the world.

Look at the Eagle nebula and you'll feel something tug within your heart, something like familiarity, maybe even a sense of melancholy or "home-sickness".

Eagle Nebula

This image is not tampered with, it isn't CGI or art - it is real. This nebula is birthing new stars, new solar systems, and we are but drops in a minute bucket in the life of a nebula. 

Hubble Telescope orbits Earth

The Hubble Telescope is just outside of Earth's Atmosphere, and yet it captures crystal clear images from all over our Universe. I am humbled by the men and women who designed this piece of technological marvel; and the heroic men and women who regularly go into orbit in order to service and maintain the telescope.

The first time I ever saw the Orion Nebula as captured by Hubble, I wept; the feeling of humility and awe was overwhelming, and the sheer size, the colors, the beauty of the gasses and new born stars and galaxies stills my chattering mind. Finally, I can quiet my seeking brain and just settle into a sense of secure peace and tranquillity.

Orion Nebulae - Cradle of Stars

Again, this image is real - there is no tampering involved - this is a trillions by trillions of miles huge Nebula which is literally a nursery for newly forming stars. These stars are in a "cradle" within the deep valley shown above, and the winds whip the chemicals around, the high temperatures molding new stars which thusly begin to form new solar systems. In a billion years these solar systems may be fully formed, with planets revolving round suns, some with atmospheres and conditions to support life. And that knowledge makes me feel small, utterly ridiculous, impotent, and joyful. 

The concept of God makes me feel heavy and judged. And yet these images of our Universe make me feel love deep within me, in a way which transcends the love we feel for each other; this is the love that sits within the seat of the "soul" and requires nothing and no one for it is all it needs - self-sustained and infinite. Love of that calibre is the energy which drives me as a Spiritual person. 

This myth we're living on Earth today creates so much strife, separation and heartache. The "my God is bigger than yours" pissing contest we've been having since the dawn of man is so fear-fueled and childish. You have nearly 7 billion people on this big beautiful planet, who are getting up every day to go to a job which is most likely more about making ends meet than feeling passionate or joyful about a task one is good at. We do this every day, until we're too old or sick to continue, then we slowly wait to die. It's the same all over the earth - we're born, we're indoctrinated into a socially acceptable education system where we are programmed to become cogs in the wheel so that we can move into the world as worker ants to serve those who create the rules; those who write the myths.

And yet, it will all fall away, as civilizations prove through historical accuracy to constantly and consistently do, and one day we will be buried under millions of years of rubble, rock and sediment, and some far off race will unearth a peace of our reality and try to decode us in order to better understand how they could have possibly evolved from such primal beings. And the Nebulae will continue to form and flourish and mystify,  and the Universe will continue to expand, and Stars will be born and die out over and over. And God seems to have little impact on this as far as I'm concerned. 

If this conscious sentient omnipotent being truly existed, don't you think he'd have far better things to do than listen to your prayers for a better job, or that new house, or a cure for your disease? The Universe is immense, we can't even wrap our heads around the sheer size of it - is it possible that it was all created 7-13 thousand years ago by a wrathful moody God? You think God created the absolutely miraculous beauty of our world, our solar system, our Galaxy and Universe, and then took up residence in our heavenly atmosphere in order to punish us for infractions? How could there be infractions - God has said to give us Free Will.

It's all far too contradictory and needy. It's human nature to seek validation; I seek it within. I'm the only living breathing being in existence who really cares how many negative thoughts I have, or how many kind acts I commit per day, or how often I meditate, or smile, or eat, or empty my bladder... no one else cares about my drama the way I do. And if there was a God who did give a rats about my drama, I couldn't buy into it's dogma.

God, or a Great Omnipotent Deity simply doesn't add up to my understanding of the Universe. God is too limited, too closed minded and angst-driven, and can in fact be downright mean. 

No, if I need validation of how foolish my need to be validated is, I'll just look up into the sky.

Rosette Nebulae

Cat's Eye Nebulae

If images of Nebula don't give you the same sense of peace they do for me, perhaps a view of other Solar systems and Galaxies outside of our own, as shared by Hubble. This is just a small portion of space - a minuscule amount of space focused on by Hubble - and yet each bright light is a burning sun at the center of its own Galaxy.

The Deep Field - Northern Detail.

Our Universe makes me feel so small, so insignificant, so un-necessary and at the same time, as a result of this, I feel more peace than I can describe. I don't need to define life or God or perception when I'm gazing into the infinite nature of our Universe, as the sheer size and force of energetic power dwarfs any insecurity I have within my biology.

I am at One with the Universe.

I hope you feel this Oneness too.