From the Wreckage & Debris...

I'm baaaa-aaack.... crawling out of a crazy storm of depression & isolation. But I'm back.

I've gone through something of a complete and utter breakdown of personality in the last few years. Those who know me have watched it in either fear or awe or a combination of both. I built a life I thought I was happy with, but something wasn't right, didn't fit, and it's still not jiving.

As of tomorrow my web business Spirit Sanctum will officially be no more. I have removed the website, not renewed the domain, deleted the Facebook business page, and basically there is no clearer message I can deliver to the world and universe - I quit. Yet it's not enough... I'm still not "there".

If asked to verbalize my collapse of business, which I worked hard to build up over the last twenty something years, all I can say is my heart was no longer really in it. It of course goes way deeper than that, and if you truly want to know why you can contact me and we can get candid, but for all intents and purposes, it just wasn't what I wanted to be doing anymore. I got tired of doing online Tarot readings, and do not desire to return to doing them in person. I find it taxing. People are needy. I need less of that.

In dropping that part of my business I had to drop a newer part, the Reiki. It's on hold until I decide how I feel about it, but for now, Spirit Sanctum had to go, so it's gone. Obliterated. No longer an entity.

It brings me to a dark place within myself now. I feel raw, as I knew I would. And I feel like a failure and all those other things society puts upon us when we don't see something to completion in their vision of completion. I knew I had to let it go and it took over two years for me to actually pull the pin on that one friends, but having done it I don't feel any better. I guess I was hoping for epiphany, or some grand "a-ha!" moment.

All I hear is crickets, and my depression is starting to swell up again. And damn don't I know how alienating depression is.

So maybe I'll blog it out a bit, it's helped in the past. Maybe all of this soul searching crap has finally led me round the bend and I have just officially lost it. I doubt it, but it's kind of funny to visualize. Kind of.

So here I am now - blank slate. I have no form of income now until I go back to my very part time job when school starts up. I have a depressed teenager who is set to go back to school in 2 weeks, who can barely function when at home... a husband who god bless him is trying his best, and a universe that just keeps throwing curves. What am I missing? What am I not seeing? I have beat the shit out of myself trying to figure it out, and frankly I'm tired of these bruises on my heart. I go within to heal the parts within that ache, and end up hurting more now than ever. I feel lost.

So, glad i'm back? :)

I promise it won't be all violins and doom. Just bear with me, depression is a bitch. And she's really messing with my head right now.

Later... for now I will try to sleep. And maybe turn my brain off if that is even possible.